Leap of Faith

23:36

“So what’s stopping you from being what you want to be?” I ask after a prolonged silence.

Theo sighs again, a habit that he uses too much of. It’s as if he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders and he can’t bear the responsibility. Then again, what do I know about him? Until five minutes ago, I didn’t even know him- and I still don’t- so I’m not in the position to judge him. Not when my life is as messed up too.

“My mom,” Theo balls me over with his answer. I’d have thought that it was paternal pressure that was stopping him from being his true self, not his mom. “She watches too much reality TV and is obsessed with fame. I guess she thinks if she has a famous son, then she’ll be famous by association.”

I laugh. “That’s ridiculous,” I say before realizing that I had majorly insulted his mother. “Jesus, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know what you meant,” Theo assures me as he gets to his feet. He starts pacing the small closet, carefully searching in the dark for my outstretched legs so that he doesn’t trip over me. “Everyone thinks the same thing, including my dad, which is why I moved in with him last summer. I needed to get out from under my mother and my father just gets it, you know?”

No. No, I didn’t know. Whereas Theo’s mother was pushing him in the wrong direction, it was my father that was pushing me to be someone I didn’t want to be. If only my father could be half as supportive as Theo’s then I think I could actually survive in life. At the rate I’m going, I’ll have drowned by the end of college and then where would anyone be?

“Enough about me,” I hear as I feel Theo’s presence next to me. He’s leaning against the wall, but then the sound of fabric rusting and a thump on the ground- plus heat radiating off him- tells me that Theo sits next to me. When I feel the warmth of his arm next to mine, I’m suddenly hyper-aware of him. “What about you?”

“W-what about me?” I haven’t stuttered like that in a long time, not since the first time Adam spoke to me. I try to push all thoughts of him aside and concentrate on Theo, but my mind is a whirl of too much of everything. I need to focus.

“What is it that you want out of life?” He asks, and I can almost feel his eyes on me. Things would be so much easier with the lights on.

I’m not sure what I want. I know what I don’t need, but that’s not the right answer. There’s too much out there that I want to see and to accomplish that I couldn’t possibly whittle them all down to just one thing. Then it strikes me.

“I want to learn to be myself,” I admit. “And I don’t want to be scared to be that person. Sure, not everyone will like me, but I can deal with that. I don’t want to live a lie anymore. Cards on the table. Take it or leave it. That’s what I want out of life.”

“Can I ask you something?” He asks before going on. “Is the Catherine that’s in here with me the real Catherine?”