Leap of Faith

Day Forty-Three

*~*~* Cate *~*~*

“Why are you so quiet?” Dean Brewer asked over lunch.

I shrugged and played dumb, but I knew why I hadn’t said much all day. Ever since yesterday outside Mr. Hall’s class, I’d been kicking myself about running away and hiding from Theo. Ok, so I wasn’t a hundred per cent sure that the boy inside- Theodore- had been Theo, but everything that had been said had been too much of a coincidence to make me think otherwise.

With hindsight I should probably have stayed, but running away from difficult situations had always been was like a default setting built into my core. Running had seemed like the easier option. After all, I had TJ now. I had moved on… right?

Wrong. Yesterday afternoon I had walked around in a daze and I’d been terrible company for TJ throughout the afternoon and night, barely mustering any enthusiasm over anything he said or did. Even when I kissed him, it felt alien. And all because of Him.

He was in my head and no matter what I did; I couldn’t shake the idea of Theo away. There were a ton of what-ifs relaying around in my head and it just reminded me of the time in the closet. So much of mine and Theo’s relationship was based on possibilities. Even the notion of being in a relationship was based on the possibility of finding one another outside that little bubble we had created on New Year’s Eve.

Theo had been so sure about us in the closet and wouldn’t let me slip through his fingers. He’d insisted that it was impossible for any of my scenarios to exist. He’d been adamant that he’d like me outside the closet, that he wouldn’t meet someone else that was better than me, he was sure that his friends would like me… he had insisted that what we had wasn’t a mistake.

Theo seemed to know what he wanted.

Me? I didn’t have a clue. Theo had matched every one of my what-ifs with his own, and as I think back on them now, I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut.

What if you leave here, and tomorrow you’ll be full of regret?

What if in a few years’ time, you look back on this moment, and think ‘I was wrong’?

What if I am the right guy for you?

What if you never feel this with anyone else?

I was in that situation again- what should I do? I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t go on Saturday and find out who Theo really was. I knew I’d think back and know I’d made the wrong decision if I didn’t meet him. He had been the right guy for me, and I never thought I’d have that same connection we’d shared with anyone else.

I had believed all of that… until TJ came into my life. Now all I could think about was how TJ was the right guy for me, and how I had never felt love like I did with TJ. My life revolved around TJ now, and not Theo.

But I would still regret not ever knowing what could have been.

Should I go on Saturday? Would he think I didn’t care for him if I didn’t show up? Would he hate me for the rest of his life if I broke his heart?

Of course he would. That’s a stupid question. I mean, if the roles were reversed and I was the one being stood up at a very public Masquerade Ball, I’d hate him too for the rest of my life. In fact, I would probably buy a voodoo doll and curse him to Hell and back for the humiliation and heartbreak.

“Ok, seriously,” Dean said again, cocking his head to the side and watching me carefully. In fact, all the guys around the table were watching me like a hawk, TJ included. “You’re being very nebulous, Cate. I don’t like it.”