In Uncharted Waters

Chapter Five

Hey guys! I've been really busy and a bit under the weather lately, but I'm back now!

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You do wrong your hand too much

I laid back on the boat and felt the waves rock us. This was the first time that we had ever spent more than 30 minutes together. I looked over at him. He was staring at me intently. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking, but maybe I was scared too. I didn't want him to ask more questions about me. I didn't want him to be disappointed in me. Instead of talking about me, I just stared at the clouds above me.

"So Savannah," he said. I felt my anxiety well up inside of me. "What do you like to do?"

It was such a simple question, yet I couldn't answer it. I felt ashamed as I tried to think of something, anything that I liked to do.

"I like the stars," I said. It sounded dumb coming out of my mouth, but it was the best I could do. I liked that they didn't change. They were constant and every year, I knew exactly where to find them. "I liked to stargaze."

"That's nice," he said. "What else?"

"I like to sing," I said. "Well I don't know if I like to sing, but I've taken voice lessons since I was two..."

"I want to know what you would do if you had a free day," he said. I thought and I thought, but nothing came to mind. When was the last time I had a free day? Every free day I've ever had was with JJ and the Pogues. I sighed and sat up. What would I do?

"I would do nothing," I said. "The truth is that I've never had my own interests. I've wanted things, but as I grew up I just did everything my family wanted."

"Okay," he said. "Do you have any big dreams?"

"You're going to laugh at me," I said. I turned to look at him and he assured me he wouldn't laugh. I didn't believe him though. "I want to be a wife... and a mom. I want to love someone unconditionally."

He stared at me for a second before speaking. "Why would I laugh at that?"

"I don't know," I said. "Maybe because I've always seen myself as unlovable and no one ever wanted to spend time with me. So, to me, that makes my dream feel so unrealistic."

I felt that feeling in my throat that you get when you're about to start crying. I forced out a small chuckle and swallowed hard. I think he could sense that I wasn't feeling the greatest. He reached down into the water and splashed some water onto me.

"Hey," he said. "It's a great dream."

I let out a laugh. I reached down and splashed him back. His jaw dropped, but the smile never left his face. I laughed and pushed him playfully. I smiled and found myself enjoying this more than I ever thought I would.

"Hey Topper?" I said and he looked at me. "You aren't as bad as I thought."

A couple days passed and each one I spent more time with Topper. He took my mind off of everything. Plus, we both needed someone right now. It felt good to have a friend. We did things like sailing and swimming, golfing and partying. He did everything he could to take my mind off of everything. Everything was fine until we went to the boneyard.

Kelse called Topper on Friday night and told us that we had to get down to this party. I knew the Pogues would be there. I knew that Topper would have other friends there. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to disappoint him though. I changed into something cute and convinced Jasper to come with. Topper picked us up and I sat silently in the backseat. I reluctantly got out of the car when we got there and Top threw his arm over my shoulder.

"C'mon," he said. "Loosen up a bit."

I pushed his arm off of me and walked into the sand. I walked out and immediately made eye contact with Kiara. She was sitting around the fire with a few other Pogues. I looked away immediately and scanned the beach for any sign of alcohol. However, I knew as soon as I saw who was manning the keg, that I wouldn't be drinking tonight. I couldn't face him. I felt my hands begin to shake and Jasp rubbed my back.

"I'll grab you a drink," he said. I nodded and tried to focus on enjoying myself, but I couldn't. I just took my drink from Jasper and made my way down the beach. I sat by myself and felt my hair blow in the sea breeze.

"What are you doing way down here?" Topper asked, sitting next to me. I looked at him and I could tell he felt bad dragging me along. I sat there and hugged my knees. "C'mon. Stay by my side and we can leave in about 15 minutes okay?"

"Promise?" I asked. He nodded and stood up. He helped me up and we walked back together. I just kept my head down and listened to Kelse and Topper talk. I listened as Kelse made fun of Topper for wanting to leave early. I listened to Kelse blame me. I felt tears well up in my eyes and grabbed Topper's arm. "I'll find a way home. You stay."

I walked quickly away from the Kooks. I don't think I would ever feel like one of them. I felt tears stream down my face as I walked further and further away. Everywhere I went made me feel uncomfortable. I made it to the parking lot and heard someone yell from behind me.

"Savannah," Kie's voice rang out. "Are you okay? I jus-"

"Leave me alone," I said. "You made it very clear where I stand Kiara."

"Can I j-" she started to talk, but I didn't want to hear it.

"Haven't you done enough?" I asked harshly. I just shook my head. Topper ran into the lot and saw me there hugging myself. He grabbed my arm and leaned in closely.

"C'mon," he whispered in my ear. "I'll take you home."

I nodded and walked away from Kiara. At this moment, I didn't want to hear an apology. I didn't want to hear her try to justify what she said and what happened. Most of all, I didn't want to hear her talk about JJ. I instead walked to Topper's car and got into the passenger seat. I buckled in and held my knees to my chest, burying my face into my knees. I let out muffled sobs the entire way home. I couldn't control it anymore. I felt us park and Topper got out. He opened the passenger door and lifted my face up.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey," he said. He started whipping my tears away, but I just cried more. "Stop crying Sav. Everything's okay."

I let out a hiccup as he unbuckled me and pulled me into his arms. He whispered for me to stop crying. My tears soaked his shirt, but I couldn't stop. I hadn't cried much at all since everything happened and finally I couldn't contain my emotions.

"Savannah," he said. I sniffled and looked up at him. "You deserve more than what was given to you. They only saw parts of you. You need to be yourself. People will love you, I promise."

I wanted to believe him, I really did, but how could I when no one has ever loved me for me before?

JJ's POV

I saw her walk onto the beach. She was fidgety and anxious. It broke my heart. The break up hadn't felt real until I saw her there. Topper was standing protectively next to her and I felt my blood boil. I just needed to talk to her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Maybe my pride was getting in the way. Maybe I knew I couldn't make things any better. I pried my eyes off of her and focused on the keg in front of me. I just needed to hand out drinks and bury down my emotions. I had just started to forget about everything when Jasper walked up.

"Hey..." he said awkwardly. "I'll take two."

"Is she okay?" I asked quietly.

"Just give me the drinks JJ," he said. "Don't ask about her. Don't approach her. Just let her be."

He grabbed the drinks from me and that was it. It left me feeling empty and alone. I ran my hand through my hair. What had I done?