Chasing my Dream

Chapter 27

After showering and changing I decided I wanted to have a family meeting with Derek and Gerry.  I text them to ask if that's possible.

I wanted to talk through everything about the boys and check if there is any updates.  Derek replied to say they were on their way to Downbridge to speak to a lead and they would likely be a couple of days. 

My anger shot through me that they hadn't discussed this before leaving.   I felt completely on my own.   Normally we would discuss missions as a family and how it would impact us. 

I know they had decided to just go because the toma team were here.  I realised I was safe but I'd pushed everyone to arms length.  I was sat on my bed and I had this sudden feeling of wanting to run. 

I had no idea what to do.   I thought about Axel and what he had said.   I appreciated his apology and understood he felt guilty but I didn't know how that made me feel.   I had started liking Axel and when Marc had kissed me I had really enjoyed it but felt guilty as soon as we pulled apart.

Then there was Brandon.  Seeing him again made me realise I hadn't stopped caring for him.  But could I forgive him? I slid to the floor putting my head in my hands. 

I was so confused my feelings were so swirled together I felt there was no escape.  I cried for the loss of my freedom.  I cried because I had no idea which man to pursue. I cried because I didn't have anyone I could talk to about the situation.  I cried because I was tired of feeling like all I attracted into my life was trouble. 

I heard a knock on the door.  I quickly wiped my eyes and asked who it was.  Corey.  Maybe I could cope with sweet and understanding Corey.  "Come in".

"Hey I was wondering if you were hungry.  I heard you had a session with Raven and he has already ate two pizzas and a cheesecake" he giggled as he stepped into my room. 

I laughed.  He looked at me but his face fell.  "Hey sweetie what's wrong?" he quietly closed the door behind him and came and sat beside me.

We sat in silence for a long time.  "You know we will catch whoever is doing this" he reassured me.

"I know" I mumbled.

"I'm a good listener if you need to talk I just want you to know your not alone" he said as he gently took my hand cradling it in his. 

The tears returned and I quietly cried as I leant my head on his shoulder.  As the tears dried up I gathered my emotions together. 

"I suppose it's everything.  I'm annoyed that I am being forced into changing my life because of someone else.  I hate not being in control of my decisions.   I'm also really disappointed that my dads have gone on a lead without discussing or even telling me.  It's like I'm being pushed away.   It then reminded me how I'm pushing everyone else away" I sighed. 

"Axel apologised but I don't know if he did that just to clear the air for his team.   Marc and Brandon want to be close to me and I enjoy being around them both and have feelings for them but I had started to with Axel, I also kissed Raven and it's confusing me.  Brandon devastated me when he left but when I discovered that I had started to develop feelings for two men surprised me.  I then discover that the Kaylie that tempted away the person who held my heart is a complete and utter bitch has left me feeling a concoction of things including being unworthy" Corey gasped.  I hadn't decided to talk about everything but once I started I couldn't stop. 

Corey turned to his side to look at me.  "For starters Axel must think a lot of you to apologise and try to explain.  He doesn't open up very often.  He didn't for Kaylie or after Kaylie and I've been very worried about him.  He wouldn't do it to save face or to alleviate an atmosphere.  Axel can be professional without giving a damn how it affects anyone else so he must care a lot about how you feel and what you think of him" Corey reached out and wiped my cheek with his thumb.

"Secondly Brandon and I bonded over talking about you.  I somehow feel I know you nearly as well as my brother.   He was devastated the minute he left you.   Kaylie never had a chance with him he was already lost to you.  He tried for us.   We failed him because we didn't listen to him or account for his feelings.   We had to do a lot of trust exercises afterwards.   Brandon was ready to leave the team to find you and beg for forgiveness.   If you can't move towards romantic feelings for him again just let him be in your life.   He will spend the rest of his life trying to make up for hurting you" he pulled me closer wrapping his arms around her.

"Thirdly I think you need to take some pressure off yourself.  Axel, Marc and Brandon obviously like you.  Why don't you spend time with all of us without analysing the situation. I'm not sure you realise this but Raven and I would like to also get to know you.   All we ask is that you be honest with yourself and us on how your feeling.  Lastly talk to your Dads they haven't intended to leave you out but this situation revolves around you and with your academy training there is no reason to leave you out of the loop other than they are panicking because of how much they love you" his hand had been gently stroking up and down my back. 

"Who made you so insightful" I felt him chuckle.  As I moved back I looked into his beautiful blue eyes. 

"Please just give all of us a chance.  Kaylie manipulated us into liking her.  You have us all entranced without trying" he whispered as he leant forward and placed a soft warm kiss to my lips.

As he pulled away he jumped up.  "Now go wash that beautiful face and I'll go down and see what we can have for dinner" he said leaving the room.

I made my way to the bathroom and locked the door.  I washed my face and brushed my teeth.  As I rinsed my brush I looked into the mirror.   I took a long breath and thought about what Corey said. 

Hiding and pushing people away is how I used to be.   Pain doesn't break you it's having no hope that does.   Even if I ended up alone it would not break me.  I had been through too much and had so much more I wanted to experience. 

Big girls pants pulled up - tick
Positive attitude in place - tick
Being more open minded - tick
Smile in place - wobbly tick. 

I went out and looked in my bedside draw.   Inside was a headband.   It was pink and a little scruffy.   This is the only item I had that reminded me of my past.  I put it on and stroked the frayed fabric.   This was to remind me I didn't deserve my past and I would fight for a happier future.