I heard a knock on my door but I chose to play deaf.
I don’t want to talk to anyone even myself. I’m mad because I am weak and couldn’t fight. I don’t have anyone but myself and I just chose to be that powerless Light Ceres.
Light Ceres who chose to wait for a help, not knowing that no one wants to enter the darkness to hold her hand, pull her out and save her.
Light Ceres who thought that trust can last forever. Na hindi lahat ng taong nararamdaman mong mabuti ay mananatiling mabuti sa lahat ng panahon.
“Light, anak,”
I want to talk to my soul. Ask her what I did to make me suffer like this. To go through darkness and to feel those touches that I’m surely make a person haunted. May nagawa ba akong masama? Nakapag-isip ba ako ng hindi mabuti sa isang tao?
I want to lift myself up and drag her to the bathroom to wash the stains on her dress.
And the stains on her mind… I’m hoping that water can also clean those.
I buried my face on my knees as my eyes continued producing water.
I don’t know what time is it. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong oras akong nakauwi o sino ang nag-uwi sa akin. Hindi ko rin alam kung ilang oras ako nakatulog o kung nakatulog pa ba ‘ko.
I looked at my window’s black curtain. It’s closed but I can see the light coming from outside. I wonder if my life could be like that.
Am I able to see the light regardless of the darkness I’m going through? May maaaninagan ba akong liwanag na maaaring maging inspirasyon ko para magpatuloy sa pag-usad kahit gustong-gusto ko na tumigil?
“Anak? Are you still sleeping?” pagkatanong no’n ay narinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto.
“Mommy, I’ll take a bath first.” Sabi ko bago pa magbukas ng tuluyan ang pintuan.
“Oh, okay. Kukuhanin ko lang ang breakfast mo sa baba.” She said.
Matagal bago ko marinig ang pagsara ng pinto. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko napilit ang sarili ko na mapapasok sa banyo. My knees are weak while my chest is heavy.
Yes, it’s been hard for me to experience being blind but I guess, it’s true when they say that you’ll realize the worth of something when it’s already gone and you’ll start looking for it and wanting it again. I used to ask Him why. Of all people, bakit ako pa? Losing my vision was hard, yes. But losing strength because of some happening is much harder. Mas gugustuhin at kakayanin ko pa sigurong hindi makakita kaysa sa maranasan ang ganito.
I closed my eyes as I soaked myself in the bathtub.
Water can use for drinking. It could cleanse us internally and externally. Water can help you in many ways but not all the time.
Water can make you drown and die,
Or so I thought.
Tears can drown you too… and still continue breathing. Feeling dead but still breathing.
Ironic, isn’t it?
I contemplated my life for minutes, collecting all the wrong things I’ve done, until I heard a knock.
