If It Comes Back

Chapter 32

*Trigger Warning: Su*c*de/su*c*de ideation.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals. Help is available. Call 1-800-273-8255 and speak with a counselor today.

....

Breath audibly escaped Gigi as she heard the words out loud. She blinked several times and her heart pounded causing her chest to ache. She placed both hands on the table trying to steady her breathing and focus on something to keep her anxiety from rising. It was almost as if it was hitting her, for the first time, that she actually tried to take her life. She tried to leave this earth and everyone behind. She had gone through so much that, at the time, it seemed to be the only answer to ending her pain and suffering. Everything had seemed pointless to her, even her own life. It made no sense for her to continue living if all she could expect was more torment. Gigi wiped at the tears that had unknowingly fallen from her eyes while she looked up to the heavens thanking God she had been wrong. Thanking God she hadn't been successful that day in her small dorm bathroom. Seeing how far she came, seeing where she was now, and the future she had to look forward to, she would have missed out on it all. She would have missed out on all the endless reasons to live. Traveling around the world gaining experiences she once thought were impossible, witnessing pride beam from first-time business owners she helped in achieving their dreams of opening their own shops, seeing the excitement on her students' faces when they finally mastered a skill they had spent weeks, even months practicing, reuniting with old friends and making new ones, witnessing the birth of her godchildren and hearing their laughter as they grew, commiserating in victories and defeats, both small and large, with Kat and Bey, feeling the warm embrace of her father and sharing the fond memories filled with love they both had of her mother, falling in love not once but twice with the man she was convinced was her soulmate, learning to love herself flaws and all, learning to forgive herself. None of that would have happened had she given up, had she not finally sought the help she needed, had Kat not shown up on a warm, sunny day in May knocking at her door.

It was the smallest act, borrowing a book, that caused a massive ripple in the universe. If something so simple as that could have such an effect, Gigi could only imagine the waves she would have caused by no longer being in the world. It continued to enforce what was always true whether she had always been aware of it or not... she mattered. Taking a deep breath, Gigi returned her gaze to Kat and her voice broke. "It sounds... stupid but I... I didn't know it affected you so much. You always came off as if it was nothing, that--that saving my life was no big deal but clearly it was and I'm sorry." Instantly, her cheeks flushed in embarrassment and she turned her eyes down, ashamed that it had taken her so long to see that her friend had been hurting just as well and that she had been the reason behind that. Kat had buried her own pain because she was too busy trying to distract Gigi from her own. "I'm sorry I put you through that!" Gigi sobbed while she reached for Kat's hands and held them tightly. "I'm sorry you had to be the one there but I am so grateful it was you! I--I know I don't always say it but I am grateful for what you did! I-- I never wanted you to feel like I didn't appreciate you!"

"Gi, I... damn it, I know I brought it up when we argued and I shouldn't have but I have never felt that way! I-- I... it's no excuse but I was so frustrated and desperate and--and this fear mounted up," Kat held even firmer onto Gigi's hands as if she held any looser her friend would up and disappear. Her eyes lit up with the same franticness she spoke of and tears tumbled down her cheeks, "and I-- I just kept thinking to myself, he has this power to make you hurt so much, to make you so fragile and-- and I didn't want it to happen again! I didn't want it to happen again and I'm not there to save you!"