The Thorned Rose

35

The card read:

Dear Sav,

As I am writing this, you are laying in an induced coma, your motionless, still body in front of me. I don't want to admit this to anyone, or say this to anyone, so I am just going to write how I feel in this card, and hope that you never get the chance to read it.

I feel guilt. I feel awful. I hate that when you didn't turn up for dinner, I assumed you had just gone on a drive to clear your head, because if I went searching for you, you wouldn't be in this state right now.

I can only thank God that I got there when I did, and that we were successful in restarting your heart. You aren't responding to the drugs as they are being taken away though, and that concerns me. All I can do is pray. I don't believe in God, but I prayed with all my heart. I made a deal that if you wake up, I will go to church on Christmas and Easter... I just want you here. In my arms. I know you struggle with feelings, and everything will always be hard, there will always be complications, but I want you.

I am about to say everything I wish I said to you before all of this happened.

I wish I told you how you light up every room you enter, with your smile your sass and your laughter. Not just every room, but my whole home, and my dark soul too. I wish I told you how stunningly beautiful you are, and even looking over at you now whilst I write this, how perfect your face is, and how you look like a sleeping beauty, pure perfection. I wish I told you how in awe I am of you, how you fight against your pure nature of being cold and hard and emotionless every day, even if it is letting out emotions like anger.

I wish I told you how I think about you every minute of everyday, how the only reason I have taken my birthright back, and am finally obeying the wishes my dad made on his deathbed are because of you, and for that I feel so much closer to my father, but also my mother, who is so happy.

I wish I told you that I wanted to take you out for a romantic dinner, not just a dinner as friends, because I want to be more than friends. I wish I told you that I loved you.

From

D.S.R. (Don Sandrino Russo) xo

***

Fuck. I felt tears welling up inside of me, and suddenly I was crying again, I swear this crying business is so annoying. I felt the wheelchair stop moving, and Fabricio come round to the front of the wheelchair.

"Hey, Sav, what's wrong?" he asked sweetly, before looking down and seeing the card in my hands before quickly taking it off me and looking really embarrassed. "Um, forget about that... I was just, um sad." He tried to brush it off, but I knew he meant every word.

I still had no idea how to feel about him. God, I was so dysfunctional. I had never really wished to feel anything in my life before, I had only pushed them down, but right now I wanted to be normal. I wanted to feel love like any normal person, and I know it was going to be a long and hard journey, much like my recovery from my injuries, but I was really going to try.

Fabricio and I barely spoke on the drive home, but he helped me into the car from the wheelchair, and out of the car out onto the wheelchair, wheeling me inside. Once I got in, I was completely attacked with hugs by the family members who were all sitting around in the room. I smiled and joked with them, occasionally looking at Fabricio, who was looking out of the window with a saddened expression on his face.

We mostly spent the day watching movies I had never seen before, all taking it in turns to show me their favourites, and I was basically served hand and foot whatever I wanted, but I never pushed it or asked for too much. When it got to the evening, Dimitri and Rico helped me up the stairs to my room, supporting me from each side, and I put one arm, around each of them. They helped me get into my room, and then Donna came in to help me get changed into some silky pyjamas, and she tucked me in. I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling unable to sleep. It took me a while to realise why I couldn't sleep, and it dawned on me this was the first night since I woke up that I would not be sleeping in the same room as Fabricio, and now, not only was he not here, but he was also angry, or upset with me, or both.

I don't know how long I was staring at the ceiling, but after a little while I heard the door softly open, and I turned my head to see Fabricio. He looked kind of shocked that I was still awake, I guess he was just coming into say goodnight quietly before leaving.

"I'm sorry I didn't..." he trailed off.

"Come lie down," I said to him, and I watched his fallen face rise a little, and his mouth turn into a slight smile.

We both stared up at the ceiling, in silence for a while, before I broke the silence. "If you didn't want me to read your card, why would you write it and put it by my bedside?"

"I... I don't know," he sighed, "initially I wanted you to read it, but we were getting close and I then realised I didn't want to ruin it or scare you away with how I felt..."

"You haven't scared me away," I reassured him, and I could hear him breathe a sigh of relief.

We sat in silence for a bit longer before I broke it, again, "can you stay with me tonight?"

"Of course," he replied, and as soon as I knew he would be here, I went straight to sleep.

When I woke up, I turned my head to see his sleeping face, completely untroubled and natural, in such a peaceful and serene state. Without thinking about what I was doing I turned my body on its side, so I was facing him, and with the hand of the arm I wasn't half lying on, I lifted my hand and I stroked his face. His eyes jolted open and his whole body tensed, but when he realised it was me, he took his free hand and placed it over mine. It felt nice, and I felt the tingly sensation go through my body once again, like his skin was made of electricity or something.

"What do you want for breakfast?" he asked.

"Whatever you want," I replied, shrugging my shoulders. He didn't get up for couple of minutes, and we just lay, staring into eachother's eyes. I wish I could read his mind, although I think I can have a good guess about what he's thinking. He probably wishes he could read my mind more, but I don't know myself what my mind is telling me. 

I know I like his company, I know he is a special person to me right now, and we have grown close. He cares for me, and I feel good around him, I smile and laugh around him, but in a different way to when I am around other people, for example the twins. I am also sexually attracted to him, I mean, come on, he is fit. I had always seen his face before, obviously, but I felt like this was the first time I was seeing his face. His dark brown hair was messy and slightly out of place, and for some reason I felt the need to run my hands through his hair, just to neaten it up, of course... I needed to stop lying to myself. His eyes were soft, but I felt like his bright green eyes, a staple of the Russo family; they all have the same eyes, were analysing and scanning me, trying to read my soul. He had thick eyebrows and the dimensions and size of his nose fit the fest of his face perfectly. Next to it were his defined cheekbones and jawline, which was covered in a beard. Where before, he had it nicely shaped and trimmed to a certain length, now he clearly gave up slightly on his appearance, I guess because he spent so much time at the hospital with me. He had full lips, that looked soft, and very... kissable. Was I really saying that? Of course, I had and fucked and done other various foreplay before, kissing was only something I would let happen if the guy initiated it, because you don't really need to kiss to fuck, and kissing always felt like it should mean something more. 

Here I was though, lying next to a boy who I thought was gorgeous, who I knew was special to me in some way, whose company I enjoyed, thinking about kissing him. This is definitely a first. 

Maybe things are taking a turn for the better?