Unmasked

Chapter 9

I wrapped my skinny arms around my naked body, trying my best to warm the aching feeling, coursing through me. I sat on the cold bathroom floor, shivering and throwing up.

I felt absolutely revolted about what had just happened. My insides were turning, and my head was pounding. My breath smelled disgusting, and I wreaked of alcohol and vomit.

A shiver went down my spine, making me stand up slowly, trying not to fall over.

I looked in the mirror at my messy unkept brown hair, that was sticking up in different spots. My neck and collarbone were filled with hickeys, that Zach had left. He wasn't even trying to hide them, he wanted me to see them. He wanted me to hurt even more than I already did.

My skin was pale, and my freckles were draining of color. My eyes had dark bags under them from restless nights of sleep. The nightmares and flashbacks kept keeping me up at night.

I lifted my arm up to look at it. It was incredibly small, with my bones practically sticking out. They had cuts up and down them from my shoulder to elbow. I ran my hand up and down my arm, feeling the bumps and scratches of my skin. My lip trembled but I shook my head to stop the tears.

I stared at my naked reflection in the mirror, hating myself more and more the longer I looked at it. Every second that passed I could find more things to hate about myself.

I removed my eyes from my reflection, unable to stare at it anymore. I looked down at my clothes on the bathroom tile floor, and slowly bent down to pick them up. My body was sore, and too much movement made it ache even more.

I grabbed my bra and underwear and slowly slipped them on. I creaked the bathroom door open, leading to my room. I grabbed my hoodie and leggings from earlier today and put them on.

I looked around my room, and shook my head. The air was thick, and my breathing quickened. I looked down at my hands, and they started trembling. I put my hand on my heart, and opened and closed my mouth like a fish, gasping for air. I raised my shaking fingers up to my hair, and pulled on it. My eyes frantically darted around the room, looking for something to calm me down. I started walking towards my desk, but didn't make it as my feet fell out from under me. I landed on my knees, and tried sucking in air that could hopefully help me breathe. My heart was beating out of my chest, and I was convinced if anyone walked in the room they could hear my own heartbeat. I brought my knees up to my chest and started rocking back and forth, trying to get some sort of motion to calm me down. My throat felt like someone stuck a big stick down it, blocking my airway.

I instinctively curled my hands up into a fist, squeezing my fingers deep into my skin. Blood slowly trickled down my palms on both hands. The crescent moons that are normally scarred on them, were now covered up with blood. The physical pain was covering up my emotional pain. I choked back a sob, but no tears managed to escape.

Your disgusting.

I shook my head rapidly, and kept trying to take deep breaths. Attempting to get some air back into my lungs, trying to escape this suffocating feeling.

I remembered what Cory had done earlier today, that instantly calmed me down. I hesitantly brought my shaking hands up to my dry, chapped lips and placed a gentle kiss on the back of my hand. I felt nothing. My body was still shaking, and my vision was still blurry. My head was pounding and I still struggled to breathe.

My eyes quickly looked around my room, my vision was blurry and therefore made it hard to make out my surroundings. I spotted the door and fumbled to get up, my hands reached to the bed to support me while standing.

As I got up I looked back on the bed and saw the marks of blood I left from my hands. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and stumbled my way down the stairs and into the living room.

I saw my mom sat on the couch, staring blankly at the wall. Her eyes held a nothingness, a void. They were blank and filled with no emotion. I always wondered if Zach hit mom, her skin was never covered with bruises and she was never scared when he was around.

I took a gulp and fumbled my way over there, tripping over my feet a couple times but always catching myself. I sat on the couch next to her, and raised my shaking finger and tapped her on the shoulder.

She looked over to me, with the same blank expression on her face. "Yes?" She whispered, with the voice she used to use when she was calm, and actually cared.

My lips trembled, as I lifted my hands up near her face. She saw the blood falling down the inside of my hand, but kept her expression calm and collected. "Can I.. Can I have a kiss?" I paused, and looked up from my lap to her. "Please?" The desperation in my voice was clear, the sadness in my voice was evident and my breathing was labored.

She looked down at my shaking hands, and the blood that was dripping from them. There was a moment of silence as she just stared at my pained expression on my face, and my bruised arms and knuckles. She looked back into my eyes after a couple minutes of quietness, where all you could hear was my raspy breathing.

She touched my hand and pulled it away from her gently, back into my lap. My lip trembled, as I looked up from her and to my hand, trying to think of something to tell her. "Mom, plea-" She cut me off, and stood up quickly. She brushed away the silent tears that streamed down her face. "I'm sorry, I can't." She dusted off her sweats and walked into her bedroom, and shut the door behind her quietly.

I looked back at my shaking hands, and saw a water droplet on them. I took my finger up the my eye and wiped away the tears that were streaming down my face.

That was the first time I cried in two years.

I let out a loud sob, and let the tears stream down my face. Another sob escaped my mouth, louder than the first one.

I sniffled so snot wouldn't drip down my face.

"Nothing's gonna harm you." I shook my head frantically. "Not while I'm around." Another loud sob crept out, while I started hysterically crying. "Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir." I sang. "Not while I'm around." I let out another cry, and placed my head in my hands that were covered in my blood.

I sat there crying for hours, to the point there were no tears left to cry.