Unmasked

Chapter 21

Trigger Warning: This chapter deals with self harm. Stay safe y'all! Don't forget to take care of yourselves today. :) Have a great weekend. <3

A loud scream woke me up again, which was mine once again. I ran to the bathroom and wiped the sweat off on my face, with my hands shaking as I tried to gain balance on myself. My legs felt weak, and my hands couldn't keep steady.

I heard a knock on the door, probably coming in to see if I was alright. "F-fine!" I shouted, my voice wavering as I splashed water on my face, grasping onto the sink. "Do you want me to come in..?" Asked Benji tentatively, outside the door. I shook my head, "No." I responded, taking deep breaths. I heard him sigh and walk out of my room. I guess the other boys hadn't woke up, good.

I cried onto my chest looking down, shaking as each tear dropped onto my clothes and on the ground. I looked everywhere in the bathroom for something to calm my nerves but I couldn't find anything.

I pulled open the sink cupboard and saw a razor. A shiny razor, never been used and sitting in its package too.

I reached out for it and grasped it in my hand. My heavy breathing stopped as I examined it, up and down, side to side. The voices were yelling at me, undecided choices lingering in my head.

Some were shouting 'do it, you know how good it makes you feel afterwards.'

You deserve it.

You deserve the pain.

While the other voices were shouting at me differently.

'not this time, don't do it. You've been clean for a week.'

'That's the longest you've ever gone! Why not make it longer?'

My hands started shaking again as I placed the razor up to my skin, sobbing and hesitating. Staring at it down on my arm, staring at the scars that were already there.

'Their permanent..' The voice reminded me.

'You haven't got a proper beating in awhile, I think you deserve this. This pain your feeling is permanent, end it. End it now.' It echoed through my mind, repeating over and over again. 'End it now.' It rang again, making my ears hurt. 'End it now!' It shouted, I looked frantically around the room to see if anyone was there shouting. But there was no one.

'End it NOW!' The voice rang louder, it was my own voice. The sound of my screams whenever I faced the endless torture of Zachs hands. 'NOW!' It repeated louder than the last time.

I screamed into my towel, sobbing onto it. Snot running down on it, it slowly getting soaked with my salty tears. The razor dropped in the sink, making a clinking noise. "No.." I muttered, shaking my head frantically into the towel and failing onto the ground, grabbing the razor.

"No, no, no, no.." I mumbled over and over. In a flash, before I could comprehend what I was doing I took the razor up to my skin, and sliced. Not one cut, not two, not even three. But four. Two cuts on each arms, not deep enough to kill me. Only deep enough for me to feel the best thing I ever felt, the joyous thing that kept coming back into my life over, and over. Pain.

I smiled, and looked up at the ceiling, unable to see due to the tears taking up my vision. I stood up and took off my shirt, not daring to look at my body. Only to watch the blood slide down my arms, watching the red color I've grown to hate and love over the years.

I grabbed a towel and wetted it, cleaning up the blood on my arms. I wrapped a bandage around it, cleaning up my newest wound. This one wasn't from Zach though, for that I was proud. I looked down at my shirt on the floor, there were droplets of blood on it. I cursed myself for not being so careful, and threw it into a corner, not bothering to hide it.

I grabbed a long sleeved black t-shirt and grey sweatpants, changing into more comfortable clothes. The other ones were sweaty, wet, and had blood stains.

I walked out into my bedroom, and looked around. This is where I'd be staying for who knows how long, maybe forever..

I felt my heart beat, it was almost back to normal. Somehow the only way I could feel relief was a razor to my skin.

I sighed and looked around the room, it was beautiful, truly. But I was uncomfortable right now. I couldn't try and sleep again, I'd wake up again because of another nightmare, or flashback. No point in trying to sleep when the only thing I'll see is me being tortured, and seeing the lack of care from my mom. And the haunting face of Zach, staring down on me.

I walked down the stairs quietly, trying my hardest not to wake anyone up. Through some of their doors I could hear them snoring, and when I passed Brandon's room  I heard- oh god.. oh no..

Gross! I walked quickly down the stairs, covering my ears as I tried getting all those noises out of my head forever. I ran down the stairs and into the art room, I picked up a book on the shelf and grabbed one called 'The Twisted Ones' a thriller/horror novel. It sounded interesting enough.

I sat for hours reading the book from front to bottom, and then page after page. Until I finally finished and set the book down. It was quite good, I enjoyed it.

I got up again and looked at the time, 8:33 am. I had been up and reading since 2:46. My throat felt rather scratchy so I made my way up the stairs and into the kitchen. Finding a whole group of boys sitting there on the kitchen table.

AN/ This chapter isn't as long, I wasn't sure what to do with it to be honest. Also the voices inside her head are her own, her own thoughts and wars in her head. Her own voices fighting each other, unable to make a decision for herself.

Self harm is a heavy topic, and a very sad one in fact. If any of you ever feel the impulse to do that, don't be shy and Please come and talk to me, I will always do the best I can to help anyone.