You made your way through the halls of Erebor with an unwilling Tauriel in tow. Ever since her engagement to Kili, she'd been living with the rest of you in the Lonely Mountain. Now, you were dragging her along with you in search of both her fiancee and yours. Finally, you found them lounging around doing absolutely nothing productive.
"Working hard, are we boys?" you asked.
"Oh look," Kili began. "It's the woman I love, and you."
The truth was that you and Kili were really best friends, and he was thrilled that you were engaged to marry his brother. But if the two of you weren't sassing each other then it would mean that one or both of you was deathly ill or worse.
Ignoring his snarky remark, you said, "We came to inform the two of you that we are going out to Dale tonight. We are going to have a double bachelorrette party."
The brothers exchanged confused glances before Fili asked, "What kind of party,dear?"
"Can we come?!" Kili piped in. "I love parties!"
"No, you can't. It is a kind of party that women back home throw for a female friend who is getting married, and the men are not allowed."
Kili and Fili turned their attention to Tauriel who shrugged. "This is her idea. Do not ask me."
"There's only one problem with your plan, y/n," Fili began cautiously. "You and Tauriel don't exactly have any female friends."
"Well it can just be the two of us then."
Kili broke out into laughter and said, "You could invite Bard's girls. I'm sure a couple of kids would really liven things up."
His laughter came to an abrupt end when you walked over and smacked the back of his head.
"Tauriel, go put on your hottest outfit. We're going out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few hours later, you and the red-headed elf were sitting in a tavern in the newly rebuilt Dale giggling and having the time of your lives. Tauriel seemed to be handling her alcohol much better than you were though. It didn't surprise you.
"Damn elves have to be perfect at everything," you thought to yourself.
"So Tauriel, I have to know. Is Kili a growler?"
She choked on her drink in response.
"I just totally see him as a growler. Like, I don't even know why. But, I guess all guys have their weird little quirks. Fili is like, totally insatiable, but let's not get into that. Would you like to dance?"
Laughing she said, "There is no music, y/n."
"We'll make our own!" And with that, you led her to an open spot on the floor and started spinning her around. A few moments later, the two of you were approached by a slightly drunken man who was trying to get Tauriel to dance with him.
"Hold up!" you said. "I laid eyes on her first, and we're busy dancing here."
He was persistent, however, and tried to wrap his arms around her waist from behind. In response, you grabbed a nearby bottle and broke it over his head, causing him to collapse onto the floor. "No one steals my dance partner!"
Then you grabbed her hand and another nearby bottle, and proceeded to run out the door, dragging her behind you.
After you two finally stopped running, she said "Y/n, I think we really need to be getting home."
"Not yet, there is one thing we haven't done yet that a bachelorrette party is incomplete without. Follow me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Y/n, Tauriel, what are you two doing here this time of night?"
"Hey sexy dragon-slayer," you said, slurring your words and propping on the doorframe of Bard's house for support. "We are having a party, and we need a stripper. So show me your arrow, booow-maan!"
After pushing your way past him and into his house, you turned around and smacked him on the butt. He stared at you as if you had lost your mind.
"She is a little bit...gone," was the only explanation Tauriel offered.
You managed to make your way to a chair, still working on the bottle in your hand.
"I think it is time I take you home," Bard said.
"How about I take you home? Wait...we are already at you home. Well that makes it easy."
Bard walked over to you, snatched you up, and threw you over his shoulder.
"Woo-hoo! I'm getting hands-on action! Usually you have to pay extra for that!"
You passed out sometime during the trip home. The next morning, you woke up with a massive headache to find Fili sitting beside you on the bed.
"Good morning, dear," he said. "Tauriel said you had a good time last night. I'm glad. You must have had an awful lot to drink though. Bard had to bring you home."
"Bard? What did he say?" you asked, unfortunately remembering every detail from the previous night.
"Oh, not much. Let me get your breakfast. You can eat in bed this morning."
Then he leaned over and gave you a kiss and a smile. "I love you, y/n."
"I love you too, Fili."
Then he got up and started towards the door. "Oh I just remembered. He did say something about you still owing him for 'hands-on action."
He gave you a devilish smirk and said, "let me get that breakfast."
After he was gone, you threw the blankets over your head in exasperation. If Kili found about this, you'd never hear the end of it.
