Empty as my Heart

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The snow failed to stop falling, drifting like feathers that piled into a heap on the floor.  Cold as ice and heavy as the wind.  Empty as my heart.

James sat next to me, letting me burrow deeper into myself.  Comforting me with his presence.  But I knew him well.  He was hardly the emotional type, and it showed on his face how uncomfortable he was.  How my tears only made him draw back further.  It turned out that niether one was doing the comforting.

I scraped at my already dry cheeks, and stood.  And, with difficulty, James did the same. 

"Please...don't, don't..."  I whispered to him, incoherently.  But, as always, he understood.  Nodding, he held my hand in his.  I squeezed it tightly.

I had never been this close to a boy before.  And, honestly, even less to James.  But today was changing me.  Fast.

Almost suddenly.

My thoughts of Ariana had not ceased, but only faded.  Something else was filling my mind, coaxing it into a deeper, more unconcious state.  Somewhere dark.

Yet, I could still feel James's hand entertwined at the fingers.

The next day was harsh and bitter.  Snow had turned from soft feathers to hardened rocks, thrown by the bucket fulls.  I almost stayed inside.

But that would mean Death.  Any step out of line that would cause me to "stand out" or change reputations, would get me bound and herded with the other spawns.  I could never risk that.

The Day of the Feast was almost apon us, stretching so near, I felt like choking.  Thoughts for the child gave me chills that had nothing to do with the wind. 

Everyone in the Town were preparing for the upcoming celebration.  I forced my feet into a pair of simple workboots and gathered my pail, intent on milking the goats.

All of the morsels that the people gather are to be used in preperation of the Feast.  Nothing can be kept, or hidden.  Daily inspections from rage-filled barbarians made sure of that.

Also, anyone who did not participate in preperations was automatically entered, no matter how many people they had exceeded already.  I gripped the bucket firmly.  The milk would go to the butter for the bread and the drinks for the Hunters' children.  Only Hunters and their family may eat during this Feast.  Only they.

I looked out from beyond my perch.  I was able to see everything from atop my little hillside.  Every house, every townsman. 

My eyes drifted to a certain Scholar's house.  It hadn't occured to me how difficult it must be for James to work, let alone prepare food for the Hunters.  I wondered where he was.

I focused back on my work.  Only for a split second.

Then I looked back at that house. 

Later, I wondered if I would ever come to regretting that simple act.  Of just glancing at the boy I had come to know, and admire.  Maybe even love.

But regretting it would mean ignorance.  Ignorance that would soon come back around to kill me.  No, I did not regret looking.  I only regretted my agony.

I looked up, and saw the door swing open.  My eyes lingered as I watched him limp away.  I could only wonder what a Scholar would do to help with the Feast, when he did something unthinkable.  Something I would not have expected of him. 

James turned around, grabbed a stool, and sat down, watching us hard at work.  He smiled at me, but wasn't stupid enough to wave.  I saw the first Hunter eyeing him, and drew in a sharp breath, ready to scream. 

Nothing.  My voice froze in my throat.