Always With Me

Part 37- Brent Harwood

My hands were throbbing as I gripped the steering wheel. The color of my knuckles had gone from red to blue to white as the intensity of my pulse forced my hands to grab the wheel with impossible pressure. My heart was racing madly. The traffic was light, but the car in front of me was driving agonizingly slow. Two weeks. I was supposed to have two more weeks. My foot was thumping the gas pedal in an attempt to make the car in from of me drive faster. It was a Buick. I could almost hear the pulse beneath my ears thumping loudly. That sound was the only thing keeping me from ramming into the car in front of me.

When the car finally turned left in front of me, I sped up and raced the clock to the hospital. I was at the gym when I got the call from Reagan Elliott. I hadn't been expecting it, so I hopped into the shower at the gym and ran to my car. I called my mom on the way to my car. My car hadn't breathed two breaths before I was already backing out of my parking spot and sped to the hospital. It was only a few short miles from the gym, but the Buick in front of me added about five minutes to my drive. I sighed in agitation as I attempted to catch up on the time that I had lost. My daughter was being born today. I couldn't waste another minute getting to her. Even though she wasn't here yet.

There was an empty parking spot in the far corner of the hospital. There were a lot of cars here, and I knew that a lot of them were here for Dahlia. I recognized a few like Becca and Ellie's, but I didn't recognize many more than that. I pulled my white truck into the spot and hopped out of the car before I closed the door and locked it. It was just now beginning to get dark, so the sun was creeping up the sky. My haste was paused as I stopped dead where I stood. I was about to be a father. I hadn't been ready, and I wasn't ready now. I hadn't even had time to think about what we would name our daughter before I was called and told that my time was up. I was sure that Dahlia already had an idea, but she hadn't run it past me. I trusted her ideas, but that still added to my sheer panic.

I began the walk into the hospital with a heavy weight on my shoulders. I was honestly scared, even though I wasn't about to admit that to anyone. The only person that I had ever admitted that to was Dahlia. Now she couldn't say anything to me because she was in another room, preparing to have the baby. I cringed at the thought of her, so fragile yet strong, having a baby. I knew that it hurt- I had heard that much. I wasn't going to be back in the room with her, but I was going to meet her as soon as our daughter was born. I wasn't going to be there to help ease the pain. The pain that I had inflicted on her.

I entered the front entrance of the hospital and was given directions on where to go. I was lead by a short, stout nurse into a waiting room on the third floor. There were a lot of people already in the room, and I was greeted by a few before I was left alone to sit in the corner and wait. Ellie and Becca briefly came to say 'hey', but they could tell by the eagerness on my face that I wanted to be left alone. I normally wouldn't mind company, but my mind was traveling too fast for any conversation. I looked down at my hands to see that they were shaking, and I wasn't surprised by that. They usually shook when I was nervous or angry. This time, I was both. I was nervous about being a father, and I was angry at myself. I was angry at myself for doing this to Dahlia. I loved her so much it hurt me, and the idea that I completely altered her entire future through our physical encounters made me even angrier.

When I had first found out that Dahlia was pregnant, I thought that since I was the problem, I could leave her. She would be better off without me, because how could someone that loved her like I did do such a thing to her? How was I supposed to watch myself mess up her life anymore? I couldn't do it. That idea was proven to be stupid, though. Taking myself out of her life would inflict more pain than staying. So, I gave up my football career to help her out. I hated that I had to do that, because football was my life. I had worked countless years in a dream that I would one day be chosen to play for the SEC. I spent hours after practice at the gym, trying to make my body perfect for the sport. I devoted countless hours with my dad in the back yard, catching the ball and pulling tires. All of those moments- gone. All of the effort- useless. I made one mistake, and my entire future was altered from the dream that I had chased with great anticipation was going down a different path.