RAISE YOUR HAND

Chapter 10

Trinity unzipped her gown, let it fall to the floor and stepped out of it. Instead of her customary shower, she decided a hot bath would be better. The jets in the tub were too enticing to pass up. Especially after the night she had. At least that's what a normal thought process looked like. If she did have a bath, it would be the first since the dunking incident. To say she wasn't nervous about submerging her body in a vat of water would be a lie.

The truth was, her old self would have loved a bath. She needed to push her new self aside so that she could hang onto at least one thread of who she used to be, no matter how scary. She couldn't lose sight of who she once was. If she did, she would never remember her truth. Never remember her strength. And she used to be strong way back when. Now...maybe not so much. 

With a great sigh, Trinity thought on it no more deciding to fill the tub and her mind with the fresh memories of the night. Dante paid her a compliment. Her first outside of David. Only, David's compliments were never heart felt. Dante's compliment was. He had a look in his eyes that, she'd wager to say, was almost one of reverence. It had to have been her imagination. She didn't do anything to earn his respect or awe. However, he sure seemed to truly mean it when he said she looked beautiful.

Trinity sucked in a breath, gingerly stepping inside the tub. She sunk in with a loud sigh. The water seeped into her pores down to her bones, cradling her entire body in warmth. While the water wasn't hot, it was far from cold triggering flashbacks of David's cruelty. Trinity bit her lip as her breath turned shallow and her chest tightened. The logical part of her brain fought the quiet panic. She needed to breathe. In for a five count out for an eight. But, it was no use.  

The familiar sensations of panic started their waves. Tight chest, tight throat, unable to take a satisfying breath. She tried again to fill her lungs only to be stopped by the grip. If she could only take a large breath, she would feel much better. Again and again, she gulped air to no avail. It didn't take long to hyperventilate. She knew her erratic breathing was to blame.  Lightheadedness caused a queer sensation, making her nauseated.  Finally, the buzz happened.

How she hated the buzz. Tiny tingles started in her fingertips and toes, slowly moving upwards. Soon, the odd sensation would find its way across her diaphragm and into her face, working into a full, paralyzing numb.

"This isn't new. I've had this before. I'm okay." Trinity grabbed her knees pulling them up to her chest and started to rock. "I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay," she whispered the mantra.

Attempting to swallow against her parched throat, she grabbed the sides of the tub in a panic when she couldn't, sloshing water over the floor. Her heart thrummed wild in her chest, and the room spun for a brief moment.

"Stop. It's just a panic attack. I can do this. He's not here. I'm safe," she whimpered. "I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm...safe!" she screamed with tears running down her face.

Out of breath, Trinity flexed her hands, shooing the numb away. While her chest heaved, she worked to transition her breathing from chest to belly. If she put her hand against her stomach, she could feel the soothing rise and fall. Again. In for a five count, out for an eight count. Over and over she did this until she found a comforting rhythm.

Then, she remembered another grounding technique. Glancing around the bathroom, she found different colors. White tile, blue towel, green plant, pink pajamas.

"White, blue, green, pink. White, blue, green, pink. White, blue, green...pink," she yawned squeezing her eyes shut. At last a large breath.

Finally. It was passing. How long was that? Five minutes? Ten? Had to be at the very least.  Trinity dared to drag her hands from her stomach to run them along the porcelain tub rails. Smooth and cool. Comforting. The numbness in her arms and legs started to ebb despite her still tight chest. It was to be expected. That was always the last to loosen up after a panic attack.