My Lover Is My Teacher (ON GOING)

Reminiscing the past

The phone continued to vibrate in my palm-an insistent, rhythmic buzzing that felt like a heartbeat I didn't want to listen to. Grae.

​I stared at the screen, my thumb hovering over the 'Decline' button. If I answered, I would have to explain why I was standing on a sidewalk in the middle of the city with a man I hadn't seen in ten years. If I didn't answer, I was just buying time I didn't actually have.

​With a shaky breath, I swiped 'Decline' and stuffed the phone into my bag.

​"Mommy?" Kardelen's voice was small, pulling me back from the edge of a total breakdown. She was looking at me with those wide, inquisitive eyes, then looking past me at Leandro.

​Leandro had taken a half-step forward, his hand still gripping the bag of supplies as if he were about to offer it again. The moonlight caught the sharp angle of his jaw, and for a terrifying second, I saw the man who had loved me in a messy, rain-soaked office.

​"Let's go, Kardee," I said, my voice sharp-a defensive reflex. I didn't look at Leandro. I couldn't. I hoisted Kardelen onto my hip, her weight familiar and grounding, and turned my back on him.

​"Venus, wait-"

​I didn't turn back. I didn't acknowledge the way his voice broke on my name. I walked with a frantic, rhythmic pace, my heart hammering against my ribs. I could hear his footsteps behind me, hesitant and heavy, but I didn't slow down.

​Don't turn around. Do not turn around.

​I reached the parking lot where Grae's car had been, but he was gone. In his place was my own vehicle. I fumbled for my keys, my hands shaking so violently I dropped them. I scrambled to pick them up, the metal clinking loudly on the pavement.

​"Venus, please," he said, closer now. He was only a few feet away. "I need to know. I need to know why you're here. Why she's here."

​I jammed the key into the lock and threw the door open, buckling Kardelen into her car seat with trembling fingers. I didn't look at him until the very last second. When I finally met his gaze, I saw the desperation there-the same desperation that had haunted my own reflections for a decade.

​"Stay away from us, Leandro," I whispered, the words cold and final. "You had your chance ten years ago. Whatever this is... it's over before it even began."

​I slammed the door and locked it. I didn't look back as I started the engine, not even when I saw him standing under the streetlamp, completely still, watching the car pull away.

​I didn't go to Grae's house. I didn't go to my parents' estate.

​I drove straight to the condo I had purchased three years ago, a sanctuary I had built with the money I earned from the animation studio. It was a place no one knew about-not Grae, not my parents, not even the people I worked with. It was my secret box of independence.

​I parked in the underground garage, the silence of the space settling over me like a heavy blanket. I carried Kardelen, still sleepy and confused, up the elevator and into the quiet, minimalist unit that smelled of lavender and floor wax.

​As I laid her down in the living room sofa, she grabbed my finger. "Mister was nice, Mommy," she murmured.

​"I know, baby," I whispered, "I know."

​I walked into the living room and locked the door, sliding the deadbolt home. I finally allowed myself to breathe.

Inilapag ko ang handbag ko sa ibabaw ng kama, ang bawat gamit sa loob nito ay tila mabigat-bawat isa ay paalala ng araw na nagbago ang lahat. Kakarating lang namin ni Kardee sa Pilipinas, pero pakiramdam ko ay sampung taon na ang nakalipas sa loob lang ng ilang oras.

​Naupo ako sa gilid ng kama, ang pagod na unti-unting pumupulupot sa katawan ko.

​Coincidence nga lang ba 'yong kanina? O pinagtagpo na talaga kami ng tadhana para magkita ulit?

​Ang tanong ay parang isang matalim na kutsilyo na pilit binubuksan ang mga sugat na matagal ko nang itinago. Gusto kong maniwala na random na pangyayari lang iyon, pero ang mga mata ni Leandro... hindi iyon mata ng isang estranghero. Iyon ang mga mata ng lalaking minsan ay naging mundo ko.

​"Mommy?"

​Napalingon ako. Nakatayo si Kardee sa pintuan, pilit na pinipigilan ang paghikab, ang kanyang mga mata ay medyo namumugto pa sa pagod. "I'm sleepy."

​Pinilit kong ngumiti, kahit na ang puso ko ay parang pinipiga. "Okay, honey. Go brush your teeth, wash your face. I'll be there in a minute to tuck you in, okay?"

​Kardee nodded, a small, sleepy smile on her face before she turned to head to the bathroom.

​Naiwan akong mag-isa sa tahimik na kwarto. Tumayo ako at naglakad patungo sa salamin, pinagmamasdan ang sarili. Ang babaeng nakatingin sa akin ay hindi na ang Venus na tumakas sampung taon na ang nakararaan. Ako na ngayon ay isang ina, isang fiancée... at isang babaeng may itinatagong katotohanan na kayang gumuho ng kahit anong pundasyon.

​Habang naglalakad ako patungo sa kwarto ni Kardee, hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng panlalamig. Ang bawat hakbang ko sa sahig ay parang may kasunod na anino. Leandro is back in the picture. And the worst part? Kardelen likes him.

​Pagpasok ko sa kwarto ni Kardee, nakita ko siyang nakahiga na, yakap ang paborito niyang stuffed toy. Nang makita niya ako, bahagya siyang gumalaw para bigyan ako ng espasyo.

​"Mommy," mahina niyang tawag habang kinukumutan ko siya. "Mabait si Mister, 'di ba?"

​Tumigil ang kamay ko sa pag-aayos ng kumot. "Yes, honey. He's very kind."

​"I hope we can see him again," she murmured, her eyes drifting shut.

​​I didn't answer. I couldn't. The words felt like a jagged stone in my throat. I smoothed the hair back from her forehead, my fingers lingering on her skin. I saw his reflection in her features-the set of her jaw, the way her eyes mirrored his own dark intensity when she was curious.

​Makikita mo siya ulit, Kardee, I thought, my heart heavy with a premonition I couldn't shake. At hindi ko alam kung handa na ako sa araw na 'yon. Hindi ko alam kung paano ipapaliwanag ang isang nakaraang matagal ko nang ibinaon.

​I stayed there in the dark, listening to her rhythmic breathing. My sanctuary was silent, but my mind was a storm. Leandro was no longer a ghost in a memory. He was in the same city, breathing the same air, and he knew my name.

​I looked at my phone on the nightstand. It was still dark, but I knew the moment it lit up whether it was Grae, or him my life would officially stop being my own.