Fucked Up

31 - Joke

Hiling

PAUPER

"Mom, she wouldn't stop" Aya called her mom and Andrew handed me a glass of water

I shaked my head furiously, I just want to be alone yet I want them to be here, to comfort me. Litong-lito na ako. I can't afford to lose another man in my life. Nawalay na ako kay Red and to lose Nathan because I am pregnant with another guy, consumed me.

"Tita, stop muna. Your baby might cry too" naiiyak na awat sa'kin ni Aya

"Bakit ba napaka-emosyonal mo. Aya, hindi ikaw ang buntis" saway naman ni Andrew sa ate niya

Isang taon lang ang agwat nilang magkapatid kaya hindi na nagpapatawag ng 'Ate' si Aya. She slap his back and the latter growled in pain.

"Tatawagin ko na nga lang si mommy"

Kinuha ko ang baso na hawak-hawak ni Andrew. Sinisinok na ako, wala nang hikbi na lumalabas sa bibig ko pero ang luha ko walang sawang nagpadadausdos sa mukha ko. My tears made my face like a fucking slide in a playground.

"Boys will never understand how fragile we are, unless they will put our shoe on them. Palibhasa ang kikitid ng utak" she blurted out annoyed to his brother

"We can't accompany you Tita kahit na gustuhin ko man. I have to be in school for our enrollment, pero promise hindi kami magtatagal ni Andrew."

I kept myself silent. My sister told her why I am here, knowing Aya she will bugged her mom until she gets the answer. She's always there for me and to her mom, she likes to help and make herself include in the problem. My sister is so lucky to have a daughter like her, and it's a bonus that her children are already teens.

"Aya, samahan mo na si Andrew sa baba. Gamitin niyo na lang ang kotse ko, hindi naman ako pupunta sa opisina ngayon" Aya pulled her hands from massaging the back of my hands and quickly rosed up from sitting

Mabilis niyang sinunod ang mommy niya na kakarating lang galing sa pharmacy. Ate strode towards me and gave me the two stick test.

No. I am yet ready.

I pushed the test kit out of my sight and slowly scoot back to the bed.

"Aigne, nanginginig ka"

"A-ate, hindi ko pa k-kayang tingnan ang resulta" my voice shakes as I shake my head again.

Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko gamit ang palad ko para pigilan ang hikbi na kumawala. Dahan-dahan kong tinaas ang binti para yakapin at ilapat ang mukha ko sa tuhod ko.

I am afraid of nothing. I am afraid that I may be bearing Red's child. I am not afraid. I am afraid for our tomorrow. I am not afraid, wish I am not.

Napabuga ako nang malalim na hinga at huminga nang malalim kahit na ang bigat-bigat. My heart is aching.

"'Yan, huminga ka muna nang malalim. Kanina ka pa pagdating mo iyak nang iyak"

As if my eyes hear them, I can feel now my heavy lids, and the sting in my eyes from all the tears I freed. I can barely breath from the snot on my nose that's blocking the air.

Barado na ang ilong ko, ang panga at bibig ko ay nangangalay na sa kakaiyak nang malakas. I am an ugly crier, compared to the girls whom I know.

I hold my sister's hand for support while making a long deep breaths.