Searching for love

15

I smiled and talked with Rose and Serena the best I could. I was simply twirling my spaghetti noodles on my fork at this point as I had lost all my appetite. "Lay, what's wrong? You've been acting a bit off...", my father commented, obviously unable to take the strained environment anymore. I felt Axel's hand reach out under the table and I graciously accepted it. Serena and Rose nodded and said, "you know we're here for you. If there is something you need to talk about....", she trailed off. Eren didn't say anything but I could feel his eyes pierce me and scan me. I took a shaky breath and opened my mouth to say something, anything to deflect the questions but nothing came out. Finally, Axel said, "It's something Layla and I need to deal with...personally. So, if you could give us some-", I got up suddenly, my chair screeching and making a racket as I did. I grabbed Axel's hand and stormed out of the house.

This was it. I was over it. I know I always wished for a family and friends but dealing with all this was a bit too much for me to handle. My emotions were already all over the place after seeing Eren and I didn't get any time to process what I was feeling. I grabbed Axel to the gardens in the back and finally stopped and faced him. He was silent, staring at me as I stared at him. The sun had set and it was getting dark. His face was encased in shadows but his eyes stood out, looking at me with intensity. They didn't have the intelligent and cold gaze of Eren nor did it have the color but nobody had looked at me so passionately before. Was it really alright for me to be with Axel if my thoughts kept going back to Eren? But I could never have Eren. I hardly spoke to him and saw him. Plus he was already in a relationship. I remembered talking with Serena and Rose who talked about their crushes even though they were in relationships. Since this was my first relationship I didn't know how to deal with all these emotions. I tenderly reached out to touch Axel's face feeling his soft skin under my callused fingers. He closed his eyes at my touch and I melted.

"I'm sorry Axel. I know I'm a lot to deal with and am not very open about my feelings but this is all new to me. I never had friends or someone I could rely on. I have always been alone and being with someone who cares for you so deeply is something unfathomable to me. I was worried that I wasn't putting in my all to this relationship. I'm worried because you're all I know and have but what if I don't deserve you? My thoughts and feelings are everywhere. When you were there for me after ...after Keith I attached myself to you. I wouldn't let go. You were my savior but now...I wonder if that's all I see you as. Is that all you see me as? Someone who needs saving and is broken? What do we want from this relationship? Are we feeling what we're supposed to feel? Am in love with you and are you in love with me? The real me, not the person you think or hope I am", I said my voice low but firm.

Axel stared at me and gently caressed my face. "When I first saw you, I saw you as a person who was desperate and had given up. I saw a weak and lost person calling out for help. I couldn't help but answer your plea for help. After all the time I spent with you I was always cautious and careful treating you like broken glass. You are right. I never saw you as the strong, fierce, and brave woman that you are. I thought that you needed someone to rely on and I was happy to be that person. But today I see that you are not the person I thought you were. I never loved you. I loved the person I had imagined you to be just like you never loved me. You relied on me and attached yourself to me but we never really loved each other. We are both broken and lost in our own way and are searching for ...our true soulmate. My desire to protect and your desire to be protected was all we saw".

Axel opened up his arms and I leaned into that warmth and comfort one last time. I kissed him fiercely pouting in all my desperation and emotions just as he did. He gave me a watery smile and let go of my hand. He walked out of the front gate as I looked on. He didn't look back once. My phone pinged and I looked at the message, it was from Axel.

I know I walked out looking all cool and stuff but could you send my stuff to me. I'll probably end up staying at the hotel with all the other agents? I hope we can still be friends and I'll see you Monday. Take care

I giggled and replied back

True that was all a bit dramatic, but that's how we both roll. I'll send your stuff, don't worry about it. Thanks for abandoning me with all this. Now I have to face everyone alone. Jeez, this is awkward. I'll see ya Monday. Duh, we're friends for life.

With a heavy sigh, I steeled my nerves and headed back to the house. I looked up at the now glittery sky. The moon was finally out.