The Light's Shadow || Sanders Sides(Complete)

Chapter 20

*Evil author cackle*

You may want to be concerned. I love ripping out hearts either through really fluffy chapters or really angsty chapters. Yeah, I'm sure you get it by now. I'm a sadist.

Oh and to clarify, this is a few days later.

TW: attempted self harm, crying, suicidal thoughts, mentions of scars, angst, swearing,

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"Roman, are you gonna eat something," Virgil asked.

"One minute. I just need to go to the bathroom first," Roman said.

Roman made it to the bathroom before breaking down. He just couldn't shake the feeling that he was unloved. Virgil had done nothing but love him, but he just couldn't stop the nagging doubt in the back of his head. He felt terrible for it.

One cut for every bad thought. That was the rule, right? Roman couldn't exactly remember. He was just trying to find something, anything.

He would've gone to Virgil like he usually did, but he just couldn't. He already felt bad for doubting anything. Roman didn't want to make Virgil feel bad or like he wasn't doing enough.

Roman just wanted it all to end. It was an endless cycle of getting better only to fall into the same trap, and he was tired of it. So tired. Tired of life, and tired of this cycle.

He glanced at the sleeping pills in the cabinet, but instead kept looking for the razor that he kept in that bathroom. He was trying to keep his sobs quiet, but it wasn't really working. The longer he took to find it, the harder his sobs became.

"Looking for something?" Roman heard a quiet voice ask. He turned around to see none other than his boyfriend.

Virgil was holding up the razor that had been in the bathroom, a sad smile on his face. Roman tried to reach for the razor, but Virgil held it out of reach and he stumbled into him.

"Please," Roman whispered, crying into Virgil. Virgil wrapped the arm not holding the blade around him, making sure to keep the other out of reach.

"No, Roman. I'm not letting you hurt yourself," Virgil said softly. Virgil ushered Roman out of the bathroom towards their room, pausing to hand a very confused Logan the razor. "Get rid of this."

When they were finally seated on Virgil's bed, Virgil rolled up Roman's sleeves. He let out a soft sigh when he looked at his arms.

Roman's arms were covered in scars. However, there were some newer ones. Some of them looked like they'd just happened a couple days before.

"Why?" Virgil asked quietly. "I thought we agreed, Roman. You said you'd tell me." Roman flinched, hearing the pain in Virgil's voice. This was exactly what he didn't want to happen.

"I- I just... I don't want to say," Roman whispered. He couldn't tell Virgil that he doubted everything. Virgil would blame himself, and he didn't want Virgil getting hurt.

"Talk to me, Roman. You can't get better if you don't talk to me," Virgil said softly. "Whatever it is it's okay. I'll still be here. I'm not going to leave you." Roman mumbled something quietly. "What was that?"

"I'm sorry," Roman whispered.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Yes I do," Roman said. "I told you I'd come to you, but I didn't. Not all the time. I lied. I can't even tell you what's going on because my head is so fucked up that even though I know it's lying I can't fix it."

"We can't always fight our demons alone," Virgil murmured, pulling Roman in to sit against his chest. He wrapped his arms around him, holding him close. After a few minutes Roman finally spoke again.

"My mind just... doubts everything. It tells me you don't really love me. It always says that," Roman mumbled. "And I hate it so much. One cut for every bad thought. That was always my rule. Except... I hated doubting you. I could see you love me, but my mind wouldn't let the thought go. So for those thoughts I disregarded the rule. I made more cuts for any of those thoughts. I didn't want to hurt you, so I didn't go to you. I couldn't stand it."

They lapses into silence again while Virgil processed everything Roman had said. He didn't even realize that he had started crying until Roman was wiping the tears off of his face.

"You could've told me, love," Virgil whispered.

"I didn't want to hurt you."

"You can't help the thoughts, Roman. You said it yourself, you knew they were wrong. You can't blame yourself," Virgil said softly.

"But-"

"No," Virgil stated. "You can't blame yourself. It isn't your fault." Virgil pressed a soft kiss to Roman's lips, letting him pull away if he wanted, but Roman melted into it. Virgil smiled softly at him when they separated. "I won't leave you, love. I promise."

"I love you," Roman whispered, cuddling into Virgil. His tears were mostly dry now, though every once in a while one slipped out.

"I love you, too. It's going to be okay, love. I promise. Nothing can hurt you anymore. Not if I have anything to say about it."

Roman laud down, pulling Virgil down to cuddle with him. Virgil laughed softly, wrapping his arms around Roman as they just enjoyed the feeling of each other.

898 words.