Finding B

Chapter 39- Fuck you Ocean

Hiya soooo this is a big time jump I guess of Bailey getting her life on track so fun timez .
It was going to be really long but imma split it into two parts so chapter 40 will follow on seen as the flashback is rlly long lmao.

Rewrote this one 2 times lol

Anywhooo ENJOY!
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(2 and a half months later)

Who knew so much could happen in a small amount of time? I sure as shit didn't. I always assumed to fix me would take a lifetime of screaming, crying, frustration, loss and a lot of hairpulling. But it didn't, well not really anyway. Now I'm not saying it's been two months you've missed out on a lot and I no longer self-sabotage in fact I'm a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT GIRL YAY.

No, but the cracks are slowly being filled I'm never going to be 100% ok, hell no one is, but it's safe to say now that I am ok sure not 100% but I am, and that's all that matters. The flashbacks are still there it's not as if you just stop remembering your entire past, I mean that makes you who you are there's no escaping it no matter how hard you try. So I now embrace it, sure I've been hurt my entire life but now it means I will never allow that to happen again and I can help others.

There's still a lot to work on but I'm now willing to. Sure it sucks that Tyler hasn't been with me through this but he was there for me before. Deep down I knew it was the right thing- him pushing me away- but it hurts. To still, even 2 months later, have one person still on your mind when you know they shouldn't be. to see something cool and accomplish something in your life and go, I can't wait to tell Ty this, or I wonder what Ty would think? To realise I'll never know... never get to tell him it al because I was a scared idiot.

Truth is even if I wasn't a scared idiot, I would've been selfish keeping Tyler near me because his presence helps me. Knowing full well I can't give back to him what he could possibly give back to me because of my past. However, now I believe I could, that I'm capable of it and maybe I do deserve it. Does it even still matter? Surely it's too late, right? I can't tell that I'm most possibly in love with him but could never admit it out loud because what about Alex? What abo-

"HEY! Helloooooo Finally! I've been talking to you for 10 minutes and your off in La La Land thinking about god knows what! You good?" Jenna clicks her fingers in my face snapping me out of my spiralling mind.

"Hmm? oh uh sorry I'm fine.. just didn't sleep well again" I lie to her. I've been doing that a lot recently, I may be better but I haven't been ok in a long time and I'm starting to think I never will be as long as Tyler's ignoring me.

"It's not" she looks around the busy school hall in case people are listening in. "You know what again right?" Concern etches on her face as she references to my nightmares I shake my head at her and she lets out a relieved sigh clutching her books harder to her chest. "Good good that's good"

I was never really planning on telling anyone on my nightmares I mean who does that? But one night the girls decided to sleepover and well lets just say I scared the crap out of them as they woke at 2 in the morning to wailing screams from me in the other room.

"Did you finally send out your applications?" She asked curiously as we headed to maths, which I personally was dreading because the awkwardness was too much to handle.

"Yep, all 8 colleges one of them is bound to let me in.," I told her lacking complete confidence in myself sure I was a straight-A student who had a few extracurricular activities in the bag but who wants a kid from Juvie not to mention rehab. I shake my head I can't fall into that spiral again.

"Nice also don't worry they'll be scrambling to get you into their schools, See you at lunch say hi to Max for me" Next thing I know she's already gone and I walk into maths alone. Max had finally asked Jenna out a month or so ago, they were too cute together maybe I was just jealous.