.•°¤* ꜱᴛᴏᴘ ᴀᴄᴛɪɴɢ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ *¤°•.

~11~

// disclaimer // this chapter is very long, feel free to get some snacks and get cozy if u wanna read it in full :3

When I walked home from Dream’s house, through the beginning of a blizzard and rush of night traffic, I had a lot to think about. It’s always about thinking, isn’t it? My mind never settles on one thing, after I’m done overanalyzing something there’s always another thing it has prepared for me. There was so much to unpack after I left his cozy flat and out into the blistering cold that my mind just seemed to go blank. It was like lightning, it flashed here and there but the sound trailed far behind it. 

Stacy wouldn’t leave my mind. Dream wouldn’t leave my mind. My family wouldn’t leave my mind. All those thoughts and feelings jumbled together to make an incoherent mess of my brain. I hated only being in my mind; only being able to listen to my thoughts because they took up so much of my attention I couldn’t do anything else. The strong wind becoming more intense as I walked back to my house didn’t rumble through my ears like it would’ve. It was hard to focus on my footing and I ended up almost slipping in the sludge and snow multiple times. 

After making it back to my house, clothes damp with dissolved snow and my body shuddering from the cold, all I wanted to do was collapse and let the earth eat my corpse. The desire to just let nature take its course was so strong, strong enough to make me contemplate staying outside to freeze instead of unlocking my front door. I almost didn’t take out my keys to get inside, but when I saw Cat in my bedroom window staring at me with pleading eyes I forced myself to unlock my door and step into my house. 

That night I kicked off my shoes, left my coat in a heap on the floor and immediately stumbled into my bedroom. Cat greeted me with a strained mewl, as if he was checking up on me and asking if I was okay. I was too exhausted to give him a pat on the head so I just hummed. My skin burned under my clothes, I felt so disgusting after leaving Dream’s flat and entering my own. Now that I wasn’t in the blizzard, the tears I didn’t even know had formed in my eyes freely spilled in salty streams down my cheeks. I made no noise as I tore my clothes off my body and discarded them across my room, opting to bundle up in a pair of sweatpants and old hoodie. 

I fell asleep curled into myself and heaving with sobs. I didn’t bother to check the heater before going to sleep, or showering or even brushing my teeth. Even getting out of those god awful clothes was enough of a struggle, but I was too discombobulated to weigh out the options of seeing my naked body in the shower or staying in the clothes that had been engulfed in the aroma of Dream’s flat and the air Stacy breathed. Cat was even nice enough to give me space and chose to sleep on the window sill. 

Now, with it being midday, the blizzard gone and my house still trying to warm itself up from the lack of heat, I sat limply on my workbench. I could feel the heaviness of the circles under my eyes, the soreness in my muscles and my energy being drained with every movement my hands made. Dream’s commission sat in front of me, half of my progress gone because I stupidly decided to restart the shape of the body. Wet clay doused my already freezing hands as I tried my best to mold it into the pose I had originally gone for. 

Every time I sat back to look at it, my face contorted with harshness and hate. It wasn’t bad, I’d even argue it was what I was going for in the first place, but my intrusive thoughts had clocked in today. The back is arched a little more than I’d like, I don’t think cats’ tails curve in that way, is that an extra toe on the back paw or an uneven bend of some sort? Every minor detail caught my eye, and while that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, I took it upon myself to fix it even if it didn’t need fixing. The longer I worked the more I hated it. I knew I had to take a break at some point but a voice in my head screamed at me to keep going.