.•°¤* ꜱᴛᴏᴘ ᴀᴄᴛɪɴɢ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ *¤°•.

~12~

Since last night, Dream and I hadn’t spoken to each other. I wasn’t sure if I was even allowed to speak to him again or if I was allowing myself to even believe we were still friends. I wanted it to be so much more, but that was only wishful thinking. He had a girlfriend, and I was definitely too unstable right now to even consider being in a relationship, much less a love triangle. Still, I knew that it wasn’t something we could just sweep under the rug and forget about.

It wasn’t uncommon for friends to kiss each other, I knew that for a fact, but it wasn’t everyday male friends kissed each other platonically. That kiss was not platonic. I wasn’t stupid enough to see past that. Friends don’t lead up to something like that in the smoothest way possible; friends don’t rest their hands on your hips to hold you closer; friends don’t tilt their head to the side to deepen the kiss; and friends definitely don’t say “it just felt right” when they disconnect from the kiss. Whatever that moment entailed was definitely something we both knew was a lot more than friends kissing friends. 

Everything leading up to that moment felt so much more intimate and romantic than it should’ve been once it happened. When he paid for our snacks, when we walked around the shopping outlets talking about our childhood, when we tossed a coin in the air at the fountain, and when we skated in each other’s arms; all those things suddenly meant something so much more than being mutual friends. It was almost like we were denying each other from going full out the entire time until we ended up on that bridge by the end of our night. 

Yet, I was terrified about the fact that I enjoyed it. I didn’t want to dive into that hole of vulnerability because I was terrified of getting too attached and eventually being stabbed in the back for it. However, at the same time, that could already be happening. It was something I had gone through before, just not in these circumstances. I knew how it felt to be betrayed; to be given false love and affection and have everything turn on me in an instant. I was young when that happened, but now that I was in my twenties I was more aware of the dangers it could have on me and those around me. 

I didn’t want to bring it up with Dream at all, but I knew I had to at some point. Plus, it seemed like he didn’t want to either. He had messaged me about a video idea to record with Sapnap in the next few days earlier this morning without anything else hinting at what happened last night. It didn’t give me the answers I wanted to my unsaid questions. The fact that he wasn’t exactly avoiding the topic or deliberately trying to talk to me about it made everything so much more confusing. 

It continuously begged the question as to why he made the first move when my feelings toward him were very clearly unreciprocated beforehand. If anything, it would be logical that I would be the one to make any type of flirtatious move with him, so when he did it, everything became just that much messier. He was a straight man, bisexual at most, and in a relationship with a woman. Albeit, not a great woman, but still unavailable to other people regardless. I wanted to know why he kissed me, why he didn’t give me an explanation and if he could even justify himself for doing such a thing. 

Through all of this, I was at fault as well. I had allowed him to blatantly commit the act of cheating. I was stunned, sure, but I didn’t push him away or reject the kiss. In fact, I kissed back and even went as far as to put my hands on his chest. That was the worst of it all; the fact that I enjoyed his warm breath on my mouth, his hands on my hips, and our bodies pressed together. It was indescribably different from the kiss I shared with my friend when I was a teen. So much more intimate, less experimental and instead rather passionate, and possibly in one of the most romantic places to dream of doing such a thing. 

I wanted to do it again. I couldn’t deny that, but I felt ashamed for it as well. I felt as if I was using him in a way. I was using him and his kindness to regain all the human contact and intimacy I had lacked for so many years. He was my friend and I had no right to treat him like that or even think of using him in that way, but he still wasn’t any better. Knowing he was in a relationship, he single handedly kissed me without hesitation. And yes, I kissed back but that didn’t cancel out anything. It was a sticky situation all around and nothing could be done to justify it.