Omnia Vincit Amor

III.

"Ad vitam Paramus." -Unknown

We are preparing for life.

Brett was ready to enter law school. It was not what he got wanted but it was an easy way to get a stable job and a good pay to help his family. His father was not any better, it's been a year and he still could not get over the pain of losing his wife. Brett understood his father, he really did. There are just times where he is tired of acting like the head of the family.

He just wanted him to get back up on his feet. Even Brett could still feel the pain of losing the one who taught him to love. You never really get over the death of your mother, especially if she was the one who built you the way that you are now. He did understand his father but sometimes it gets tiring.

He was tired of pretending that he was okay with everything that was happening to their dad. Alexander, on the other hand, was doing his best to advance on his classes so he could enter law school as early as he could. Brett was not pressuring him. Brett could still handle playing the violin every night just so he could earn money for the family.

He really wanted to enter a music conservatory but he understood that he could not. He had to leave all his dreams of becoming a violinist for a much more stable job. He had to earn for his family and he cannot do that if he was just a musician. He could do it if he wanted to, but his father is expecting him to be a lawyer.

He said that he never would succumb to that but it was too late. He wants to be a good son and if that means being a lawyer, then so be it. He was not going to inflict more pain on his father. He was going to give up his dream to be the son that his dad will be proud of.

He did go to law school for a year.

He stopped to go to the conservatory because a professor saw him play once. Mr. Owens, the professor told him that he had a great potential to become a soloist or a professor of music. He had talked to his dad about it when he was sober.

"Pa, I am studying at the conservatory now. I would like to leave the law school. Would that be okay?" Brett asked nervously, fiddling with his hands and avoiding the eyes of his father.

There was a long pause of silence until his father spoke up.

"Why did you enter law school, anyway, my boy? You are a talented violinist, you should go to the conservatory." His father said, patting Brett's shoulder.

Brett teared up and sighed with relief. He took a deep breath and let go of the breath he did not realize he was holding. His father hugged him tight and he cried even more. His father apologized for the past year and he said that he would get better for their family.

Brett held his father to his words and he did get better as he promised.

Brett's first year on the conservatory was a good one. He was excelling on his subjects and he had gotten even better at his performance when it comes to violin. He was deemed as the most excellent student of the year and he was very obedient.

He seemed too distant and too cold. He seemed too aloof for other students to try to talk to him. He was also advancing on classes so he might be able to graduate next year. He is doing what he loves and he does it best just so he could help his family immediately.

His father was back to his old law firm and is working hard to provide for him and Alexander but Brett felt the need to help. His father wouldn't always be as strong as he is now, so it's better to save up for their future. Brett wanted to be the one to pay Alexander's school fees when he will be at law school.

So, Brett did the best that he could.

He was so excellent that he was invited to local recitals and solo performances with the local orchestra. He always had a heart for the works of Paganini and Ernst, but there was something about Mendelssohn's melodies that drives him to play passionately. There's something about Mozart's light and effortless melodies that allow him to fly. There's something about Beethoven's form and bending genres that made him fall in love with sweet melodies.

Brett particularly loved the fact that Beethoven revolutionized a new era of classical music. His music became less stricter in form and more on emotions. It was simply too beautiful for Brett, knowing that he could lay his soul bare in front of other people and they wouldn't notice.

It would only seem like he was playing. It was beautiful, like confessing to a lover and no one knows how and when, it was just the lover's declaration of their undying love. It was beautiful that way and Brett couldn't help but love playing even more.

Brett could not internalize what he feels so he decides to write it down on a nice journal entry.

July 13, 1859

A year has passed since I entered the conservatory and I am already better at playing my violin. I have no time to look for a lover, I am too busy practicing. Still, I wonder what it would feel like t finally meet the love of my life, my soulmate, my other half and the one I would settle down with.

I wonder if will she allow me to hold her close and whisper my love to her. Will she hold my hand and will she stay with me for a lifetime? Will she be kinder and gentler that what I expect? Will she allow me to entangle myself with her body until the wee hours of the morning?

I just try to imagine the things that I would do for her. How I will love her and how she will love me back. How would she like to be held? Would she like me to hold her tightly and protectively or will she like my grip looser and much more free? How would she like to be made love to? Would she like it slow and sweet or will she choose to do it roughly but with a touch of love?

I imagine my lover underneath me, open and willing, waiting for me to enter. I try to imagine the sweetness of her lips against mine and how my hands would fit on her hips. I try to imagine my hands on skin that's silky smooth. I try to imagine soft and gentle hands on my chest and shoulders. I imagine that her hands would innocently roam my skin, spreading wildfires across my veins and sending butterflies in my stomach.

I try to hold back on my physical desires on lovers. As much as my physiological body needs it, I want to see the person. I want to see her entirely before knowing her. I want to see how she smiles when I hold her close or how she cries when I have been gone for too long. I want to see how she will feel about my playing.

I want to see her personality. I do not want to succumb into marriage immediately without knowing what I am dealing with. I want to see her wholly. I want to see the beautiful and the ugly, the good and the bad, common and unique. I want to see her properly before I marry her. I want to love her entirety before I get to know her.

I want to be my very best when I come to love her.

For now, she only exists in my head. I do not care what she looks like, where she comes from, who raised her and when I meet her, all I care about is loving her. Once I have met her, I will never let her go. I dream to be the man that she wants and needs.

I want to love her completely and to be loved back completely in turn.

I want to believe again. I want to believe that love really conquers all. So, to the gods out there and whatever your will may be, I will accept it. I just want to love and be loved in return. I do not care if you give it to me tomorrow or when I am forty-five, I want to know that someone out there is capable to love me because I am willing to love her, whoever she may be.

I just want someone to be in my arms and my home, just to love.