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jennie knew something was horribly wrong when she woke up again at 3.46 am.

she was hoping she would get into a deep slumber after their exhausting concert today. her movements had been slow and sometimes her vision would blur randomly. she didnt know why, just concluding it to be a once-in-a-while sleep deprivation effect, and promised herself to get a good night's sleep.

but she didnt. she had been tossing and turning throughout, until finally waking up, drenched in sweat.

however, waking up at that time wasn't the bad part: the fact that the first thing that came to her mind when she couldn't go back to sleep was the first prominent sign of her deterioration - the thought of the pills.

she forced herself to get up, ignoring the dull ache in her head, the nauseous feeling in her stomach.

her world blurred for a few moments, having gotten up too fast.

nevertheless, she rose up, forcing her legs to steady herself and shuffled to her drawer. she pulled the handle, opening it. she knew where she had kept the pills by heart, she didn't need a light to see it.

she didn't hesitate, she didn't doubt, she didn't even try to.

she was like a robot, emotionless.

she felt that life was just a cycle anyway. wake up, have your mood dampened because of the hate, cry, then sleep. so why - why not just, numb the middle part so she could sleep throughout the day? just with her eyes open, her body moving, her lips faking smiles.

but she would still feel nothing. just like how she felt when she was asleep.

what bliss, to be able to live without feeling.

she uncapped the bottle, movements steady and unwavering. she took out four pills, and set the bottle back on the table.

she popped two into her mouth, swallowing them before putting another. then, something sparked within her - she didn't know what - but her heart jolted for a small second.

it was enough to make her hesitate, and doubt.

should she really take the last one?

but it wasn't enough to make her stop.

so she swallowed the last capsule like it was nothing.

what could it do anyway? cause her death? well it doesn't really matter to her, anyway - her will, her drive, her motivation - it all died a long time ago.

she was now just a shell of a human.

she didn't know why she stayed.

did the little flame she thought was extinguished, in fact, alive?

that's absurd, jennie wanted to chuckle. that's so stupid of her. hope was causally her torture on this earth and she was letting it do so.

but hope for what exactly? she couldn't understand.

life doesn't just get better. hell, the saying goes 'life is unfair' for a reason.

resignation along with frustration settled in jennie's chest. it was exasperating to hear people say that 'it was okay' or 'things will get better' like are they blind? do they not see?

this is fucking life.

unfair. just as much as things will, quote unquote, get better, things can also get worse.

'always look foward'. look forward to what? fucking idiocy. permanent uneasiness within her made her feel the only thing to look forward to was the impending doom she felt was inevitable.

life is stupid.

𝐇𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃 • jennie kim Where stories live. Discover now