Pure | Cate Blanchett

Chapter 20

Amanda

My bed used to be comfortable. All the pillows I invested in as well as blankets beyond amazing. I used to find a way for the blankets to cradle me, as well as hold some for security. But now, I can't stand it.

I've only spent 3 nights in the past 2 weeks in my bed. The couch or the window became my primary sleeping locations. I don't mind. I had fallen asleep on the couch many times before all this. Just, a bit more peacefully.

I still don't understand why Cate did what she did. She never had just left like that, or given me so much money too. Something had to be wrong. She isn't answering my calls or my texts. She hasn't been by the bar or my place. She has basically dropped off the face of the earth.

My shirt sticks to my back when I stand up from where I was sitting on the couch. The oil on my back creates an itch with the fabric. I haven't showered in quite a few days, so that's why everything is sticking to everything. It's very gross to be completely honest.

I sit myself down at the table and open my laptop. Plates of food in various states of completion have been left and forgotten around my laptop. I used to keep everything in my home so tidy. After Cate left, I haven't been able to bring myself to do anything self care or responsibility related.

I was able to take time off work these past couple weeks. I'm thankful I have such an understanding boss. He figured after my breakdown I deserve a couple weeks off anyways. You could count the amount of days I had taken off the entirety I've been working there on two hands. I've always tried to be a hard worker.

My laptop shows what I was doing last on it. I have been trying to find Cate's address. Yes, I have been over a couple times, I just cant remember for the life of me the address. I don't trust myself well enough to just drive and try and remember the way as I go. I don't exactly work like that.

Andrew had to of found out somehow and intervened. Why else would she have disappeared? That's the only reason I can think of. It's the only one that makes sense. I don't know if it was just me, but I think we were starting to move in the direction of 'more than fuck buddies'. I felt something. Did she run because she felt it too?

I spend way too long failing at finding her address, probably because I don't know her last name surprisingly. I have no idea how, but after my detective skills failed me, I was somehow motivated to completely clean my trailer. I deep cleaned for probably the first time ever. The day went away, and the stars came out again. I needed to get out of my small home.

I didn't bother changing out of my black sweatpants and more form fitting tank top. I grabbed my helmet and wallet and let my bike take me wherever it wanted to take me. The cool air of late fall stinging my exposed arms. My mind went blank. I wasn't thinking of a destination, muscle memory took over for me.

The opening to the trail to the lake is soon what I see. I was already parked and holding my helmet in my hands. I obeyed my instincts and hiked the trail, the lake very quickly coming into view.

The memories of that day come flooding back as I take off my clothes and walk into the cold, pristine water. The moon reflects off the small waves as I swim further out. Diving below the surface, I come back up and wipe the hair out of my face.

I relax and let my body float onto its back. All I hear is my slow breathing and the movement of the water. Orion is in position to shoot his arrow and Sirius the star watches nearby. I don't cry over what I'm feeling. I did that already. I need to try and solve this potential mystery or move on with my life. I'm definitely not ready for the latter.

The water easily lets me lose myself. The sense deprivation of the water helps me lose track of time. I know I didn't fall asleep. I felt every single second, yet at the same time it only felt like I relaxed for a minute. The sky starts to slowly light up.

I correct myself so I am now upright. My fingers are pruny from the hours in the water. Swimming back to the shore, I wring out my hair and try to force the water off my body with my hand. I dry off enough to get my clothes back on.

I hike back down to my bike and ride home. I convinced myself to shower for the first time in the past couple of weeks. All I can smell when I use my normal shower products is Cate. I love how she smelled after showering here. Her usual smell but with myself all over her, just how I liked it.

She's not here anymore. All I have left of her are memories, and I refuse to let that be the only thing.

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Authors Note:

Thank you guys so much for reading! And Also for 10k reads! I can't believe it honestly.. and I'm so so so sorry about not uploading last week. I actually got my tonsils removed, so I have been recovering for the past couple of weeks. Lost of sleep and not enough water am I right?

Please consider voting and commenting anything! I love to read you thoughts and maybe even respond...

Love You!!!
-B