HEALING THE SCARS

CHAPTER 36

PENELOPE

I wake up feeling exhausted and unsatisfied with my sleep. I haven't slept at all. I've stayed up all night, thinking about my life and how I want to escape it all once more. I think about Dylan and how he has entered my life again, only to cause chaos and unhappiness. I can't believe he hasn't divorced me yet. What is he thinking? Why does he always do this to me? Why can't he just find some other woman to disturb? I'm not even what he wanted, yet he doesn't seem to want to let me go. I don't know what his problem is.

My mind lingers on the previous night when he stormed into my home drunk. We had sex. I can't believe I fell for that again. He didn't force me to do anything I didn't want to do, but he became aggressive and didn't seem to realize it. That bothers me. Nothing has changed about him. He's still the same arrogant man I met and conceived with. I also remember how he held me tight that night and told me never to leave him. Why would he say that? Why would he tell me he would never leave me and that he still wants me if the truth is that he only wants to use me for his gain and take my son away from me?

I'm not sure how much I'm afraid of him. Every time he comes close to me, I have mixed reactions, and that scares me. I don't want to live my life like that, always worrying if I'm okay. What worries me more is that I enjoy the advances he makes toward me, especially when he chokes me and looks into my eyes. That look, I'm too familiar with—the look of pure lust. I love it. I know I'm not supposed to love it or even like it, but I do. It makes me feel like he wants me, like I have that power over him that makes him unable to resist me. But it works both ways—I'm powerless before him too, and that's a feeling I always dread. Why hasn't he divorced me yet? It's been six years, for Christ's sake. What has he been waiting for? For me to show up with a fiancé and ask him for a divorce? He's so complicated—something I never signed up for.

Then there's Mabel. I don't understand why she won't back me up at all. She sides with Dylan even after everything she knows he has done to me. I need an explanation from her, and it has to be a good one. And then there's Joey. I hadn't realized how much I missed him. He always has my back, always defends me, and sees through the lies I put up. He always knows when something is wrong. To think that I've kept him in the dark for six years is so sad and pathetic of me. For all I know, he's the only one whose opinion of me matters right now. And to think that I haven't helped him through his issues with Mabel makes me angrier at myself. I want them to be happy. Last night, I wanted to tell him everything I'm going through, to tell him he's going to be okay and that he doesn't have to worry about not having kids because he can always adopt. But I didn't speak up. Maybe he would have judged me if I told him more. I don't know. Mabel showed up, and that was another excuse not to tell him.

My thoughts drift to my son. My dear Jason. I brought him into this world expecting to give him the best life has to offer, and now he's going to be subjected to something he doesn't deserve. I think about how happy he is with his father around. Joey was right; he does resemble Dylan. He'll grow up to be a very handsome guy, just like his dad. Is keeping him away from his dad a good idea? Will he one day hate me for it? He's my whole world, and I would do anything to ensure his happiness. Even if it means doing whatever his father wants. As long as Jason is with me, I can stand any kind of treatment from Dylan. My son is worth the pain and suffering. I would do anything for him and my little brother, Andrew. I remember overhearing Andrew and Dylan's conversation. I feel sad that Andrew sees how sad and miserable I am, but what gets to me most is that he feels invisible in our home, like no one pays attention to him. I have to do something about that. I want him to grow up knowing that someone loves and cares about him, to make him feel like he's not invisible at all.

I realize I've been awake for two hours, drowning in my thoughts. I have to get up and make breakfast for my family, not forgetting that I have to feed two extra mouths, Joey and Mabel. I also have to prepare myself to go to work. I have a café to run and manage, and customers who need my attention. And not to forget, I have a meeting with Dylan, where he's supposed to bring over the contract he drew up. Too much stress for me. I get out of bed, head into the bathroom, take a shower, brush my teeth, and after my everyday skincare routine, I go to the kitchen to help Maria prepare breakfast. Andrew is already awake when I get there.

"Hey Andrew, how was your night?"

"Kinda good, but you guys were too loud. Seriously too loud."

"What? No, we weren't."

"I heard like almost half of what you guys were saying. Or should I say arguing about it? You guys should learn to whisper, you know."

"Shut up, Andrew." I laugh. "Sit down, I'm making some waffles. Do you want some bacon or sausages or an omelet?"

"An omelet," he says with a smile. "Are you and Dylan getting back together? Or does he just want to take Jason?"

"What? Where did you hear that? None of it is true, okay?"

"I want him to take Jason away."

"What? Why would you say something like that, Andrew? That's so mean." I'm shocked by what he just said. I thought he loved Jason. Where is this coming from?

"Just let him go, Penelope. I don't want him to stay with us anymore."

"What is wrong with you, Andrew? That's so wrong. Why are you being mean? He's your little nephew."

"Because ever since he got here, all you do is give him all your attention, and you treat me like I'm never there. Sometimes I miss Mom, you know," he says.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Andrew. I still love you very much, okay? Just because I have a son doesn't mean I don't care about you. I know you miss Mom, and I do too, but she left us, remember? So I'm stuck with you no matter what, and you have to love me by force, okay?" I say, hugging him and kissing his head.

"Ew! Penelope, don't kiss me like that. I'm not a kid," he says, struggling to get out of my arms. After a while, Maria and I finish preparing breakfast. Jason is already awake, and I don't feel like waking Joey and Mabel up.

"Mummy, mummy, where's Daddy?" Jason asks, all excited as he eats his waffles.

"Hey, little man. Your daddy is at work. But you know what? You and I are going to have so much fun today. You like going to the park?" Joey says, walking into the kitchen, saving me from explaining things to Jason.

"Yes!" Jason says, so excited. I thank God Joey walked into the kitchen at that time because I honestly didn't know what I would've told Jason.

"Can I go with Uncle Joey, Mummy?" he asks.

"Yes, you can, baby. Good morning, Joey," I say.

"Morning, P. How was your night?" he says and kisses my cheek.

"Well, at least I slept, right?" I laugh with him. "But I bet you had an amazing night," I add after seeing Mabel walk in, looking so radiant. She looks really good this morning, not the gloomy version of her that she's been the past times she came to visit. I avoid making any contact with her by walking over to the counter for some coffee. I relieve Maria of her morning duties, and as I grab my mug, I feel someone hug me tightly from behind. It's Mabel.

"Ooh, Penelope, I'm so sorry for last night. Please forgive me. Please. Pretty please," she whispers in my ear and kisses me continuously on my cheek. I can't help but smile. My best friend is back. Of course, I have to forgive her. I mean, who else would I talk to as a friend if not her?

"Fine! Now stop hugging me; I'm almost suffocating over here." I giggle and turn to her, handing her my mug of coffee.

"I need to get to work. You guys should have some breakfast, and maybe, Mabel, you could show Joey around New York today, and then we can meet at my café for that meeting. Not that you need to be shown around New York, but maybe you guys could have some time for yourselves," I say as I grab another mug of coffee. It's almost 9 a.m., and I have to be on my way out.

"Ooh yeah, the meeting. I had almost forgotten about that. What time should we come by?" Joey asks. "Because I would love to take Jason and Andrew out and get them home so Mabel and I can come by and grab some lunch with you before the meeting. I want to talk to you about something. Is that okay?"

"Of course. Let's meet at around 2 p.m. I should be free by then. And we can talk." I smile. Joey and Mabel go back to eating their breakfast, and I grab my keys and head out the door.

I know that everything in my life is currently falling apart, and it's only a matter of time before I break down and lose control of everything. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to withstand this. For how long will I have to pretend that everything is okay? Maybe I should talk to Joey after the meeting, just like I wanted to do last night. I trust him, and I know he won't judge me. But maybe that's not a good idea. Maybe I should just keep quiet and pretend that everything is fine. Just like I've done these past six years.