I Love You, Always

Chapter 27

Lexy's funeral is short. According to Derrick, there's not a lot of people there since her family is so small. A couple people from school and their parents come as well, but that's it. I'm pretty sure Simon doesn't let go of my hand the entire time. Somehow I manage to hold myself together the entire time, I'm not sure how. Maybe Simon being next to me, holding my hand, is what keeps me from having a huge breakdown. I feel relieved by the time it's over, like I can breathe more easily.

Val and Carina invite us to come back to their house afterward to have pizza and spend the rest of the day with each other. I think that's going to be harder for me than the funeral, honestly. The last time I was at Lexy's house was about a month ago, the weekend I came to see her after she found out she was pregnant. I can't imagine walking into her house and she not being there to greet me.

"I already called the pizza in, so it should be here soon," Val says as she unlocks the door. "But first, I need a cigarette."

"I got you, babe. Come on," Derrick replies. "We'll be in in a few," he tells us, so we go inside with Carina.

I bite my lip as the familiar scent of Lexy's home hits me because it smells like her. Snowflake meows and I feel her fluffy fur brush against my leg as she rubs her body against me. Yeah, this is...this is much harder than being at the funeral home. I kind of want to go somewhere else for a little while, away from everyone else. Maybe Lexy's room.

"Hey Carina," I speak up, trying desperately to keep my voice from cracking. "Is it okay if I go to Lexy's room for a bit?" I ask.

"Of course, sweetie," Carina replies, nothing but love in her voice. "I will come get you when the food is here, okay?"

I nod. "Okay. Thanks." I don't even ask Simon to come with me, I simply grab his hand and pull him along as I make my way to her room.

"She really did like the color pink," Simon comments as we walk into her room. He closes the door behind us and I let go of his hand and move to sit on the edge of her bed. Did... I hate that word. I hate everyone using the past tense in reference to Lexy. It doesn't feel right.

The mattress dips a little as Simon sits next to me. "It's weird," I say. I keep pulling at the sleeves of my shirt, well Derrick's shirt. It's a black button-down collared shirt. I didn't have anything nice enough to wear, so Derrick lent me one of his shirts he usually wears to the restaurant. It's my anxiety, I suppose, but it's driving me nuts, so I unbutton the sleeves and pull them up to keep from pulling at them anymore. "Her not being here," I continue. "Just feels...not real, kinda."

"Yeah, it's like that for a while," Simon replies. "That's how I felt with my mom. Over time it gets better, but the worst part I think is when you forget that they're gone and you want to talk to them or see them, but you can't. Even still. Like last weekend when I told my dad about us, I kept thinking, 'I wish Mom were here so I could tell her, too.'"

"You know...Lexy was the one to make me realize how much I liked you," I tell Simon. It doesn't seem that long ago that Lexy and I had that conversation, but it's actually been almost five months. "Even though she liked me, she was so excited and I would tell her things about you, and she's constantly say she knew you liked me, but I didn't believe it for a long time. I think she'd be really excited if she knew."

"She probably knew," Simon replies. "She asked me that day we went to the mall how close we were. It made me wonder if she knew I liked you or something."

"She wanted to find out for sure if you liked me because if she could then she thought I'd be able to go ahead and tell you. I told her you probably wouldn't admit that to her."

Simon chuckles. "No, probably not. You were the first person I told. But still, I probably wasn't exactly that good at hiding it."

My lips upturn into a small smile and I reach out to take Simon's hand as I reply, "She told me you looked at me a lot, which obviously I wouldn't know."