We belong together [Rewriting]

09 [Rewritten]

~Evernly

Some feelings are like old familiar friends, like relatives you haven't seen in a long time. When the episode starts, it can start slow at first, intrusive thoughts, "I don't wanna be here,"  you swat it away, like an annoying fly and it's gone, but when it really hits you fully though, when you're really in it, it's everything, it's who you are and you're nothing else but that feeling. Depression is like that for me, when I'm not in it, I don't remember it, I remember it's bad, I remember the darkness but it's different to feel it again, it's the difference between remembering what a room looks like and actually walking through the door, being inside the room again, feeling it.

On the outside, you look the same, no one notices you slipping away, your pretend smile faltering for a second, killing yourself inside just to choke out a laugh, no one notices that. Smiling and pretending becomes so much work, you start to hate yourself, you're so alone, so unbelievably alone, you can be with someone you love, someone that makes you happy outside that room but you would still feel alone and you know it's you, you're the one with the problem and not the rest of the world, it's something wrong with you and it's exhausting, so shitty and exhausting and it's hopeless. It's a void and existing takes so much energy when you want to sink into a hole of nothing where no one talks to you and you don't have to smile and say those words that take so much word; "I'm fine; All good; I'm okay."

That's how depression is for me.

Anyway, I've been here before and I've gotten out but the getting out part becomes the room you remember but aren't in and that's what's scary because the more you try to get out, the more wreckage you live in your wake, you don't mean to do it but you will leave people hurting so like I said, I've been here before and I will get out.

I should get up. I will.
I need to pee.
I should shower.
I have to eat.

How many days has it been since I left this room, this bed, showered? I don't remember but I know it's been a long time for people to be worried about me.

"You want to tell me what's been bothering you." Dr Leahy suggested on Monday during our session. Wren hadn't showed up again, although a tiny piece of me had hope that she would come, that the door would open and Wren would walk in, apologising profusely for being late.

I had bitten the inside of my bottom lip very hard to stop it from quivering. "Wren found out I changed my course today." I whispered back to Dr Leahy and that was only the tip of the iceberg of depression that followed. "And she was not happy about it." I added, holding back tears. I thought nothing Wren could say would get to me as much as it did but oh, how mistaken I was.

"But did changing your course make you happy?" Dr Leahy asked, a notepad similar to the one she gave me sat on her lap, a silver pen in her hand, ready to take notes. My lips parted to answer Dr Leahy's question but no sound came out, only a wheezing sound, I realised I had no answer for her. I changed my course on a whim, all the modules I registered for barely made a lick of sense, even to me, the chooser.

"No." I said, frowning as the two syllable word left my mouth, it tasted bitter, rotten. The answer did not surprise the good doctor though, like she already knew, like she expected that same answer from me.

"May I ask why did you change your course to something you're not happy about." Dr Leahy asked. Why though? I wracked my brain for the answers but I truly did not have a good reason to change my course.

Bitting my lip nervously, I averted my gaze from Dr Leahy, "To spite Wren." I grumbled, my voice low, barely above a whisper. "All on her own she just chose what I should do without giving me any choice about it, it was suddenly expected of me to study business,  to work for her, but what about what I want, am I not consulted about it, don't I get a say in what I should study? She just expected me and Zac to get in line with her vision, Zac didn't have a problem with it, they've had all his life to discuss it but I'm sorry I barely know you, you can't just tell me what to study and I will do it, I had plans before I knew you so what about them. I know she pays for my fees but I can't roll over and do what she expects."