In His Arms

Chapter 4: Hints of Regrets (Baekhyun's POV)

Shocked and surprised to what I have heard, I wasn't able to move. "What.. What do.. you mean halmeoni?" I asked with pauses. "Aiya. I asked you.. when will you give me grandchildren." She repeated. I let out a sarcastic syllable of laughter. "What do you mean grandchildren halmeoni? Aren't I your grandchild, your grandson? Why are you askibg more of me?" I tried to joke it out. This kind of topic just makes me feel awkward and weird. "Baekhyun. I'm serious. You're not getting any younger, by this time you should have a son now." She said weakly. "In my current state right now, I know it's impossible for me to wish for something like this but.. atleast let me see your child before I go, before I die." I don't like this kind of conversations. "Halmeoni, don't say that as if you're only waiting for my child before you die. Is that the only thing you're waiting for?" I looked at her as I anticipated for her answer. "Baekhyun.." She whispered. I'm right, aren't I? It meand yes, that's the only thing she's waiting for- her great grandchild from me. "Tsk! Then that's it. Even if I have one, I won't show him to you. That way you won't die and you'll live longer." I said bitterly. And what pisses me more is the fact that she even smiled at me. Halmeoni smiled at me. "Then you're only prolonging my agony. I might not die as early as it could get physically, but I already died the moment you told me you'll never let me meet your child." She coughed after her statement. Great, instead of prolonging her life, I even killed her earlier. I hate the so-called 'dying wishes.' Will it really make the patient better if you make her wish come true?

I scoffed. "Halmeoni, you know children are hard to handle. Just look at me, I was such a big problem to you and you even want more problems?" I asked and she smiled at me again. "Baekhyun, you still really have a long way to go." She said. "What do you mean? I asked. "Baekhyun, I'm not just asking for a grandchild, I'm asking you to have a family of your own." She said. "But you are my family. You, mom, brother. We're still a family, right?" I asked. "Your brother has a family of his own now. Your mother is almost on her twilight years, too. Me? Look at me. I'm about to go. You can't just always depend on us. Who's going to look after you when we're gone?" She asked. Why do I find it hard to understand? Maybe because it isn't my thing? Relationships are not my thing. I just can't deal with it. How can I build my own family if I can't even have a marriage right? Damn it Kendra, you crossed my mind again.

Sheesh. Great, I remembered her again- Kendra. If we weren't separated, will we have a good life together? Will I wake up every morning next to her? Will she cook my breakfast? Will she care for me the way I would care about her? Exchange thoughtful and sweet text in midday? Will I get to but her flowers to make her feel special? Will we have little fights but make up at the end of the day? Will we spend every vacations together? Will I get home with her waiting for me everyday? Will we even last? No, no. I'm not supposed to be thinking of this kinds of stuff. It's impossible. Well atleast now, it's impossible. Erase, I have to erase these thoughts. Erase. Erase. Erase........ Will she be the mother of my children?

Oh yeah, speaking of children, it's really impossible. REALLY IMPOSSIBLE. Kendra has her own family now. She has a husband and a daughter. She has a family. A family that could have been mine, too. But I'm a jerk, a total jerk. I deserve this, I desrve to be alone. I'm just gonna live in my house and eat bacon all day. Be on shows and pretend to have a happy life when infact, I'm partly miserable. I could feel it now. There's a black hole inside me. There's something missing in me. And maybe that's it. Maybe a family of my own would complete me.

"Baekhyun?" But I can't build my own family. "Baekhyun?" I can't even deal with relationships. "Grandson?" I don't have a lovelife. "Baekhyun? Hey." I suck at love and marriage. "Baekhyun?" I'll be forever alone. I'll live my life alone. And I'll die alone. "BAEKHYUN!" And just like that, I snapped out of it. Shit, I was in such a long trance. I looked at halmeoni and she looked like she's having a hard time breathing. "Halmeoni?" I started to panic. "Nurse! Mom!" I yelled. Halmeoni is having an attack. I stood and quickly ran outside to ask for help. Good thing, mom was on her way back to the room. "What's wrong?" Mom asked worriedly. "Halmeoni.. She's having an attack." I panted. "Quickly, ask for help." She said then ran to halmeoni's ward. I, on the other hand, met some nurses while I was on my way to the counter and asked for help. All of us hurried to halmeoni's room. When we got there, there was a doctor and some nurses who were already treating her. Before I could even enter the room totally, the nurse asked me and my mom to leave the room for a while. And we did, we left the room and waited outside.

"What happened? What did you do?" Mom asked as she just stared blankly straight. I let out some air. "I don't know.. I really don't know. It was all too fast and." I suddenly lost my words. Is that it? Is me refusing to make her wish come true the reason why she had an attack? "I.. didn't see it coming. I spaced out then it happened." I explained. Mom just smirked, a hopeless smirk. "She's not gonna make it, will she?" She asked. "Mom, let's not think like that. She'll make it." I tried to persuade her but she just frowned. It's killing her- the thought of halmeoni dying is killing my mother. She's fetting really sad and depressed about this. I have to do something. I have to divert her attention. "I saw her today." I spilled.

Mom tilted her head to look at me. "You saw who?" She asked. "Kendra. I saw Kendra." I can feel her shocked expression without looking at her. "She's back?" She asked. I lookeat her then nodded. "She's not alone though. She's.." I stuttered. "She's with her family." I tucked my lips together. "She's a mother now, I've met her daughter. And she's a wife, too. I saw her husband." I looked down before I could even finish my sentence. Mom slid near me. She patted my back simultaneously. "Baekhyun, son... I'm sorry about that." I wondered why she's comforting me. Only to figure out that I was starting to breathe heavier than usual and tears are building up on my waterline. So it's like this? It hurts like this? That the more I deny the fact that I'm not ok, the more I become and feel worse. I tried to breathe through my nosetrills but it just made a disgusting sound of inhaling my own mucus. I wiped my face with the back of my hand. "Naa, I'm ok mom. It's not that bad." Lie, why do I keep lying? "Son, you dont have to be harsh to yourself. If it isn't then it isn't ok. You can always cry. Strong people cry." She said. "No mom, only weak people cry. And besides, I'm a man. Men don't cry." I insisted. "Men always lie. Fine, suit yourself. Anyway, have you eaten?" She asked. Right, I haven't eaten a single thing today. "No, I haven't. I don't have the appetite either." I said. "You should eat. You still have a schedule later this night, right?" She asked. Shoot, that's right. I still have a photoshoot for a magazine and a guesting for a tv show tonight. "Thanks for reminding me mom. Now I think I have to go." I stood up and so did she. "I'll be back after my errands tonight. And please do update me about halmeoni's case." I said. "Sure." She agreed. I waved wy hand while walking backwards. When I finally turned my back to her, she gave talked once again. "Don't forget to eat. And don't strain yourself so much. I know it's difficult Baekhyun. A little rest would help." She said and I only smiled at her. "Ok. I'll keep that in mind." I smiled widely then left the hospital.

Before going to my photoshoot, I dropped by to my flat first. And as usual, my manager was there waiting for me. "What took you so long?" He asked. "Family, you know it's different when it's my family." I headed to my room. "What are you doing? Let's go. You'll be late already." He whined. "Shower, just a quick shower. I need it so bad." Before he could even talk back, I shut the door of my bathroom. I stripped my clothes off and stretched before I got to shower.

I flexed my neck as I opened the shower's faucet. I liked the way the water dripped on my warm skin. It felt like soft beads bouncing then flowing down on my body. It was like a mild massage. Maybe I'm just too stresses today that even a cool bath makes me feel relaxed. My hair is finally fully wet. The water flowed down on my face and it made me close my eyes. I palmed my face quikly because an image appeared on my mind. Kendra- that beautiful woman. "Shit. What am I thinking." I cursed as I opened my eyes. Water flowed down on my face again and for a normal reaction, I closed my eyes again. And yes, she appeared again. I'm a jerk. Of all scenes that I could remember, why her on the bed? On our bed. Well, our bed before. That one night I get to taste her, hold her. Skin to skin and breath to breath. I could still smell her scent. "Ah shit. No. Baekhyun! Stop that." I scolded myself. I leant down on the wall with my palms pressing against it. My head avoided the water. It dropped straight on my back. I can't take it anymore. One more time that I close my eyes, that's it. I'll go insane. I panted heavily. Avoiding he thought of her strains me so much. "She's married Baekhyun. She's already married." I calmed myself. "Just.. Just be happy for her already. Move on." I advised myself. Right, why can't I just be happy for her? I mean, she deserves it. She deserves to be happy. It's so easy to tell that I should be happy for her but why is it so hard to do? I twisted the shower's faucet to turn it off. I slammed my fist on the tiled wall.

Damn, someone else got to taste her..