In His Arms

Chapter 21: Fears (Kendra's POV)

Last night, I promised myself that I'll stop the drama with Baekhyun and just move on with Eli. I promised myself to give him a chance. But that's the issue, Eli rejected me. Yes, for the first time, Eli rejected me. I guess I really took him for granted this time.. But what I told him, I was serious about it. It's just that maybe, he had enough of me. Or did he give up on me? Was I really that confident about myself? Was I really too confident that he'll always be beside me?

Each day that passes by, I get even more confused. Not to mention, ever since I've been in this country, I've always seen Baekhyun everyday. Is South Korea this small? Is the world so small that we have to see each other everyday? Everytime I see him, I know I get angry. I'm still mad. I'm still hurt of what he has done. Whenever I see him, flashbacks happen. But I'm gonna lie if I say that all I remember about him are the bad things. I remember the good things as well. The mornings we woke up with each other, the breakfast, lunch and dinner we shared, the conversations we used to have, the smiles we gave each other, the laughters. Come to think of it, the only bad thing I remember from him was his cheating. Nothing else. And compred to all the positive sides he has, I can say that he's not all bad. And maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why he still makes my heart flutter everytime I see him. Am I really still inlove with Baekhyun?

"What should I do?" I asked my reflection on the tinted window of the car. As I stared longer, I saw what was outside. Buildings, buildings of many kinds. Lights, bright lights in the dark night. "I missed this place." I admitted. Soon, the car stopped and I got out. The lights are still open, maybe Eli is still awake. And I was right. When I entered the house, I found Eli sitting in the couch. "Hey. Waiting for me?" I asked. "I always, don't I?" His answer speaks of something more that I was kinda taken aback. "Yeah, you always do. I shouldn't be surprised." He smiled to what I've said. "Come, sit down. We have things to talk about." He motioned me to come over and I followed. I sat beside him. "So, what do you want to talk about?" I asked coolly but deep inside me, I'm nervous of what he has to say. He already rejected me. I don't know what else can be worse than that. He exhaled before he talked. He tilted himself to look at me. "Kendra. Do you still love Baekhyun?" He seemed to notice how my facial expression changed quickly. "I mean, honestly. I want an honest answer." He said. "W-what do you mean?" I asked still dazed with what os happening. Am I hearing it correctly. "I mean, do you still love him? Do you still have the same feelings for him?" He asked.

I don't know why but I suddenly felt irritated. I don't want anyone to ask me that question not because I'm overly mad at Baekhyun.. but because I myself am confused about it. I want to know, too. I want to know if I still love him, too. And with someone asking me about it makes me uncomfortable. When someone asks me, I feel obliged to answer immediately. And it pisses me because I don't even know what to say, I don't even know the right answer. "Why are you suddenly asking me this?" My voice was shaking like I was about to cry. Eli held my hand. "Look, I want to know, ok?" He reached out to my face and swept his thumb down my eye. "Hey, don't cry." He said. "You know that I love you, right? More than anything, right?" I nodded to his question. "Then good. Because I want you to know how much I care for you. I know, it has really been a hard time for you." He sounded like he was about to cry, too. "But don't you think you're only making things harder whenever you try to escape him?" He asked. "I want to know you're answer so I'll know how to make things better for you." He finally shed a tear.

It feels good to know that someone cares for you this much. You know you're blessed when someone is ready to help you when you can no longer help yourself. "So.... Do you still love him?" He asked once more. I slowly shook my head. "I don't know Eli, I don't know." I answered. "You don't know? Or you just don't want to admit it?" He said. It took time before I could talk again. Maybe he's right. Maybe I just don't want to admit it. "Eli, I really don't know. And so so what if I still love him? And what if I don't? What if I love him but it's all in my head? What if I love him but in the end I really don't?" I cried. "Eli, I'm honestly confused. I don't want to worry about him anymore. I have other things to do." I said. "Then what about it? You have to accept the fact that one way or another, you'll come across him again. Whether you like it or not, you'll have to deal with him." He said. It started to feel like we're having an argument. "You know what, I can't deal with him. I can't deal with you right now. I can't deal with any of these right now." I stood up. "What? You're going to walk away from me like how you walked away from Baekhyun?" He stood up, too. "Kendra, you need to deal with your problems once and for all!" He yelled.

I turned to look at him. "Where are you going now? Are you going back to Spain? Are you going to hide there for what? Like seven years? You can't run and hide forever." He said. How did he know what was running in my mind. Silly, he already knows me that well. I'm going to lose this argument, right? I already have nothing else to say. He's right, I know he's right. "I really can't do this. Stop it Eli, stop it." I said and carried on walking. "I talked to Bea." He managed to halt me again. "Your daughter... wants to meet his father. Think about it." He said. I had enough for this night. First was Baekhyun then now Eli. This land is very cursed.

I stomped my heels on my way upstairs. I don't even know why I'm mad. Is it because I lost an argument with Eli? Or because Baekhyun keeps on messing with my life? Or because I'm a fool for always choosing the hard way? Why does it always have to be me? Why does it always have to be hard on me? I kept these thought on my mind as I find my way to my room. I slammed my door shut as soon as I entered my room. I kicked my heels after I unclasped the straps. I harshly took my earings off and threw it away. I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the the mirror. You know what I see? A woman torn into pieces. I'm so messed up and I don't know how to fix myself. It has been too much for me. It has been too harsh for me. I can't take it anymore. I feel so weak and I can't bare all of it anymore. I washed my face until the make up was gone. I brushed my teeth before I exited the bathroom. I took my dress off, I let it slip down to my feet. I was almost naked. I took a big shirt and wore it. As soon as I was already clothed, I plopped myself on my bed and just forced myself to sleep. I even shed some tears because I was already being so hard on myself.

Morning came and my eyes are swollen like it has always been ever since I came here. I still feel bad. I still feel sick. I'm still tired and I just feel so hopeless. I even tried to sleep but I really can't. Even going back to sleep is difficult. So I just got out of bed and decided to do something productive. I have nothing to do today so I thought of hanging out with Beatrice the whole day. Ever since I came here, I've always wanted to spend time with her but I always fail to do so. Even making up to her seems to be difficult. Maybe now's the opportunity.

I headed to Bea's room. Just in time, she just woke up. "Hi baby, good morning." I greeted with my warmest smile. She just stared at me blankly. Her hair was very messy but she still looks cute. "How was my baby's sleep?" I asked as I approached her. I sat down on the edge of her bed and held her hand. "Good morning mommy." She greeted sheepishly. "Aaaw. My baby is still sleepy, huh?" I said. "Come here you cute little princess. Let mommy hug you." She crawled her way to my lap. I hugged her tightly. "Mommy? Where's daddy?" She asked. "Is he still here?" She sounded frightened not of Eli, but of losing him. "Hey, what's with your question baby?" I asked as I looked at her. "Last night-" Bea was cut off by another voice. "Hello baby girl! Rise and shine!" Said a woman dramatically. "Nanny?" Bea asked as she looked at the woman.

The woman seemed to notice that I was around. "Uh. Um. Hello. Good morning ma'am." She greeted awkwardly. "Uh. Good morning." I said. "Um. Am I missing out something? I mean, why are you here?" I asked. "Uh. Ma'am, Sir Eli asked me to come over. He thought you have somewhere to go today so.. he called me to keep Beatrice in company." She explained. "What do you mean Eli asked you? He has somewhere to go?" I asked. "Uh ma'am.. Sir Eli already left. He left early this morning." She said. I suddenly felt bad. Not just because we had an argument last night, but because he left without reconciling with me. I don't know why but I suddenly had a bad feeling about this. It felt like I was about to lose him. No, I am already losing him. And that cannot be. I can't lose him.. Atleast not like this. "What do you mean he left? Where did he go?" I asked with a tone in my voice, slightly cracked and shaking. It was evident that I was afraid and surprised at the same time. "Um. He didn't mention. Didn't he tell you?" She asked. And that was it, I'm already nervous. Where on earth did he go. Did he already give up on me? Did he leave us already? Or did he........... "No." I answered.