In His Arms

Chapter 7: A Mother's Dilemma (Kendra's POV)

My knees got weaker. I felt like falling to the ground that I had to hold on tight onto the counter. My daughter, Beatrice, is asking about the man earlier, her biological father. "Mom?" She asked. I slightly shook my head to get back to reality. "Y-yes baby?" I continued on wiping the counter even though it already dried minutes ago. "What is that again?" I acted like I didn't hear anything at all. "The man from a while ago, who is he?" She placed her arms on the table and clasped her hands as she leaned down a little. It was like she's in it for the real deal. "Is he your friend?" She asked with a detective like voice.

For a minute, I was nervous. Why do I get a feeling that she felt some special connection with Baekhyun? I mean, is it really that strong? Blood ties are that strong, huh? I closed my eyes thinking what I should tell her. Before I turned around to face her, I smiled to remove the tension. "You're interested in him?" I tried to grin but failed to pull it off. Her stare is very different. She looked serious, like dead serious, and I'm here trying to pull off a joke. I could only sigh. I can't make it that obvious. Not now, not ever.

I walked towards the counter to face her. "Well, does he look like an enemy of mine?" I asked with my eyebrow raised. "Hmm. I don't think so." She said. "But when I saw him awhile ago, he looked very sad." Bea tucked her lips for a moment. She looked at me like with her forehead wrinkled. "Perhaps, WAS he your enemy before?" She asked. I sarcastically laughed. Atleast my daughter got my intelligence. "Ok. Let's just say, things are not well between us yet." I said. "So, you are enemies. I mean, still enemies?" She asked. "Hmm. Well, something like that." I got her looking at me so confused. I reached out to her hand and held it with my own. "Bea, baby, promise me you won't talk to that man while we are here in Korea." This time I'm serious.

"I don't understand mom. If things aren't that well between you, why don't you just talk it out?" She asked. Her hands slid away from my hold. "Fighting is bad, right?" She asked. I was speechless for a moment. Bea's right. But honestly, I'm scared and very confused. I already moved on. I was just lucky awhile ago. Fortunately, I was able to hold my composure and I was cool. But actually, when I saw him, everything just came back again just like that. Me and Baekhyun can always talk it out but there's something within me that stops me from doing so. I no longer have intentions of meeting up with him, I still don't have the courage. It's easy to say that the right thing to do is to forgive and forget but in reality, it's very difficult to do so. "It's not what you think baby, it's not as easy as how you think." I said.

My eyes started to water. One more blink and my tears are going to fall. Good thing, I managed to look away. I don't want her to see me cry. Bea faced my back. I tried my best not to let her know how weak I am right now but I just can't. It is evident that I am crying. With me wiping my tears with the back of my hand, it's not impossible that Bea got the message of how hurt I am with this topic. I inhaled air through my mouth since my nose started to clog. "Bea, baby, I think you should go upstairs now. You have to prepare for bed." I said. "But mommy, we just woke up, right?" She asked sounding a little worried about me. "Baby, just go upstairs now. Mommy will follow." I insisted. I heard her let out a sigh before she jumped down from the high chair of the counter. "Ok.." She walked away with a frown and left me all alone sad.

When I can no longer feel her presence in the the kitchen, I cried my heart out. It was really painful and heavy that I felt a little better when I released my tears. I tried to cover my mouth to minimize the noise I'm starting to make. But in the end, nothing can ever stop this overflow of emotions. It's so hard. It's so difficult. For seven years, I endured this feeling. For seven years, I carried the weight of the world. Those years, all I did was to survive this cruel situation. Does eveyone think that it was easy for me? For someone as cold as me? The day I fell for Baekhyun, everything changed. Everything just started to become harsher and I became softer. Anyone in my situation will understand me, how I feel. He changed me. And for the first time I thought 'hey, maybe a little change wouldn't hurt. Maybe changes are good' but then he dumped me. He hurt me. He did this to me. He melted the ice cold me just so he can watch me evaporate and vanish like that. But it doesn't end there. Water that evaporates are recollected by the clouds. And when the clouds get heavy, it will rain once again. And I'll make sure it's gonna be a storm.

The minute came when I already wanted to stop sobbing. It feels good to be back, the old kind of me. No, a better kind of me. Fiercer, stronger, bolder, and colder. I can consider it as an upgrade. So I did, I halted myself from crying. I started to wipe my tears. I took a glass and filled it with cold water. I felt relieved when the water flowed down inside my body. It kinda made me feel better. It took me minutes before I felt ok. I massaged my head with my own fingertips, sprinkled some water on my face and wiped it, and fixed my hair before I followed my daughter upstairs.

I heard a sobbing noise when I was already near her door. It alarmed me and I couldn't help myself from storming in. "Bea, baby, what's wrong?" I asked worriedly as I looked at her lying with her face down on the pillow. Quickly, I approached her. I sat beside her on the bed. "Baby, why? Did you hurt yourself? Where? Let me see." I started to panic. What actually happened? I tried to take a peek at her face but it's hardly pressed against her pillow. What if she suffocates herself? "Beatrice, please. Come on, face mommy. Talk to mommy, please." I pleaded worriedly. She finally tilted her head. I swiped the wet strands of hair away from her cheeks. "Come on baby, talk to mommy what's wrong?" I hooked my hands on her armpits and lifted her up and made her sit on my lap. She wrapped her arms around my neck and planted her face in the crook of my neck. I can feel my collar getting damp with her tears. I rubbed her back hoping that it makes her feel better. "Come on baby, tell mommy what's the problem." I said and she responded by looking at me.

It felt uncomfortable watching her trying to stop her tears. She can barely breathe. Her nose and cheeks are so red and so does her swollen eyes. Where's water when you need it the most? I continued to rub her back and she started coughing. Children really cry dramatically, don't they? Well that's because their emotions are still pure. Bea's emotions are still pure and raw that everyone can say that it's true. She's really feeling so bad right now. After a couple of minutes, she finally got better. "Does it hurt somewhere?" I asked and she nodded. She breathed heavily and her body shook like she has hiccups. "Where? Tell mommy where it hurts." I said and she placed her left hand on her chest near where her heart is located. Before I could speak, her tears started to fall again. She held me tight and cried again. "Mommy.. I'm sorry.. I.. Made you cry." She sobbed. She loosened a bit and returned her stare in my eyes. "I'm sorry if.. I made you cry again.." She said. Seeing her like this makes me cry, too. My tears started to build up. "If you don't like that man.. I don't like him, too.." she said. "I won't talk to him.. I won't be friends with him.. Sorry mommy for making you cry again." I can feel how heavy she's feeling right now. Yes, it's shallow. She's being shallow but hey, she means it. I can feel how she dealibg with it, not to mention that she's only six and she's dealing with this kind of emotion. I bet she's struggling, too. Maybe not like how I am struggling, but how a child like her would do. She's too young to bear this kind of weight. I hugged her tight as my tears streamed down my face. "Shhhh. It's ok baby, it's not your fault. You don't have to say sorry to mommy." I tried to comfort her. But she only cried even more when I started to cry, too. "It's ok.." I said. "It's ok."

How do you become a good mother? I can buy her a whole factory of dolls but that wouldn't be enough, right? I may have all the money in the world but I still can't buy her a happiness like no other. No matter what I do, I just can't fill that missing part in her life. I'm such a failure.

With my daughter still in my hands, I stood up still carrying her. I just swayed and pat her back simultaneously until she stopped crying. I'm so weak when it comes to her. Whenever she's feeling bad, all I can do is just make her sleep and escape this cruel world for a while. I'm starting not to know what to do anymore.