In His Arms

Chapter 8: Eli's Thoughts (Eli's POV)

"Kendra, I love you." I'm saying these words that I could never mean. "I may not meet some of your expectations sometimes, but I'm ready to take a step to meet them. I want you to know that since day one until today, nothing has change. Nothing will ever change." But with Byun Baekhyun here beside me, I might as well just use this opportunity to pour my heart out and reveal every single emotion I have for her. Even if it is just for a show, I would do it. I would love her a million times. Even if it is just for a show, I would avenge her. I'll make the person who broke her miserable in every way even if it makes me pretend. This is it, my chance. A chance to be someone I can never become. Even it is just by pretending.

After finishing filming for that tv show, I decided to head home straight. Well, I always head home straight ever since Beatrice got here in South Korea. I can't always take her with me since I got work, specially when it's late at night, so I tend to hire a nanny to watch her over which doesn't really go so well. I actually hate it when there are other people in my house. And not to mention how wealthy we are, I find it bothersome to entrust Bea to someone we don't really know. What if she gets kidnapped for ransom or something? So, I just hire Jun, my former bandmate, to watch over her sometimes. He's currently finishing his masteral degree so it's actually fine with him. He can study while keeping Bea in company. But whenever he gets busy with school and isn't able to watch over Bea, I couldn't help but to really hire a nanny.

But tonight is special. I'm coming home as soon as possible not because Bea is alone, but because she's with her mom. It's Kendra's first night here in Seoul after seven long years. Come to think of it, I should atleast buy her something, right? Like a bouquet of flowers? Or maybe a little token would be alright to welcome her back? But on a side note, she's not really interested to those kinds of things. Her taste is too difficult to match. She just gets unpredictable sometimes. So I think I just made the right decision- to just go home.

Anyone can call me paranoid. Or maybe I'm just too excited. I've been with her for seven years but nothing really changed about the way I feel towards her. When she's miles away from me, I always miss her. And whenever she's around me, I always get excited to be with her. She's so different. I have this tingling feeling just with the thought of her. But it sucks how it only got this far within these seven years. In her eyes, I'm still a friend, just a friend. Well, maybe a 'special' kind of friend. I'd like to think that it's like that. She wouldn't let her child call me 'daddy' if I don't have a special place in her heart, right? That alone is enough for a reason for me to keep this feeling going. I'll keep on hoping that maybe one day, she'll realize that I'm that one person who can make her happy.

I know, I know. What I told earlier in Strong Heart is a bit too much. I tapped the stirring wheel hard that my palms hurt. "Shit Eli! What was that?" I cursed as I drove. All my happy thoughts flew away as the words that I spoke earlier crossed my mind. I feel so embarrassed. I just confessed to the whole nation. Well, it's not like she doesn't know. But it's kinda a big deal for males to confess you know. Us men prefer the girls to come.and confess to us. It has something to do with ego and manhood, it's our nature. "Ah. Shit, shit, shit." I continued cussing. I really find it embarrassing.

I've been regretting the entire ride home. I should have just contained it. But I just didnt know what to do. It was ego. When I saw Baekhyun, I just wanted to punch him in the face, make him realize what he left, make him feel like a total asshole for hurting someone so amazing and admirable. I wanted to hurt him. So yeah, maybe I said that to make him feel uncomfortable. And I guess it worked.

I parked my car and twisted the key to turn the engine off. I can see the lights are on. "They're awake." I talked to myself. Little did I know, I was already smiling like an idiot. I suddenly felt excited to see them, Beatrice and Kendra. Before I knew it, I'm already inside the house. I walked towards the living room but it was empty. I checked the kitchen and it was empty, too. "Troubles of having a big house." I sighed. I unbuttoned the first two upper buttons of my polo as I took the drinking glass on the counter. I filled it with water and drank it to refreshen my throat. I resumed in finding them after doing so.

They are nowhere to be found in the first floor of my house. Obviously, they're upstairs. Maybe they are getting ready to sleep. Just a few more steps to Kendra's door, I suddenly heard Bea crying. It got me worried. The door wasn't really closed, neither was it opened widely. It was opened a small angle enough for me to peek inside. I didn't like what I see. Witnessing Bea's tears is negotiable. She's a child and she can cry sometimes even without a proper reason. But what broke my heart is the fact that Kendra's crying, too. It's been so long since she last cried. I can't take it. I can't stand seeing them like this.

Just before I can barge inside, I overheard a little portion of their conversation. "I won't talk to him.. I won't be friends with him.. Sorry mommy for making you cry again." Bea sobbed while hugging her mother. Him? Can she perhaps be referring to Baekhyun? Did they talk about him earlier? But why? Did she figure out something already? Or did Kendra tell her already? But no. That's very impossible. What had lead to this? I'm worried. "Shhhh. It's ok baby, it's not your fault. You don't have to say sorry to mommy. It's ok.." Kendra said as she tried to comfort her daughter in her arms. "It's ok." They hugged each other then Kendra stood up and swayed Bea until she drifted to her sleep.

I, on the other hand, felt weird. Paranoid. I'm thinking really hard. No, I'm thinking too much. What if Bea already knows? Shit, no. My plans would be ruined, my future would be ruined. I leaned my back against he wall. I started to slide down with some bad stuff going around in my head. "No..." My head started to ache. "No..." My heart started to ache. Bullshit. I hate this feeling. Why do I get this feeling that everything is ruined? Why do I get the feeling that I'm gonna lose the both of them? No. That can't happen.

I stayed on the floor for a while. I feel so hopeless. I feel so tired. I feel so unhappy. I'm so worried. Stress is starting to kick inside me. I feel so lifeless. I should stop thinking like this. I should stop being negative and pick up my game again. Baekhyun, you can't ruin this. You can't just go back in her life and make things difficult once again. You can't have her ever again. And you'll never have you daughter. Baekhyun, you'll never have them back.

The door suddenly opened and I can feel Kendra step out of her room. She gasped when she saw me sitting down on the floor with my legs stretched and my back against the wall. "Eli?" She asked. "Hey." I greeted her lifelessly. "Hey..." she sounded so tired. Who wouldn't get tired after crying that much? She walked towards me then sat beside me. I kept my glance straight trying not to look at her. It hurts seeing her swollen eyes. "You just got home?" She asked and I shook my head slowly. "So you heard?" I can feel her stare but I still refuse to look at her. "Just a little." I answered. She just sighed then laid her head on my shoulder. "Did you.. cry again.. because.. of Baekhyun?" I couldn't stop my curiosity. I just had to ask, I wanted to know. I heard her smirk. "You know me so well, Eli." I don't know if I should take that as a compliment. "Hell yeah I do. You can't lie to me, Kendra. I already know you that well." I hissed. "Wait, why do you sound so angry? Are you mad?" She asked. Now is the time to face her. "You know exactly why I'm mad." I said coldly. "You know that I don't like it when you're crying over him, right?" I asked with an irritated tone. "Eli, it's nothing. It's no big deal." "No big deal? NO BIG DEAL?! Tell me exactly when was he a 'no big deal' to you?" She was taken aback.

I wanted to say sorry for saying something very rash. But at he same time, I feel like she deserved hearing those things. I closed my eyes and lightly pinched the skin between my eyes. "That's it. I'm going to bed." I stood up. "Night." I greeted as I walked away, leaving her all alone behind. I entered my room and closed my door with a bang. I ripped my polo off me and threw it with force. I kicked my shoes off then removed my socks before I plopped myself on my bed. This day is so tiring, I had enough. I can't take any more of this jealousy that I'm feeling. This needs to stop now. Why? Because I have no right to be jealous in the first place anyway. At the end of the day, I'm still her friend. Just a friend. And it's really killing me already.