Alternative That 70s Show

Battle of the Sexists

I'm waiting," Jackie said snottily about a week later, sitting in Hyde's chair in Eric's basement, arms and legs crossed, shooting Eric an impatient look.

Hyde didn't bother to defend Eric; he just sat on the arm of the couch, playing with his lips in a bored manner. Eric sat next to him, one of his weird, twitchy looks on his face, Kelso shaking his head from his seat on the lawn chair.

Finally, Hyde sighed impatiently, "Just say it, Forman. And she'll go home."

Eric clapped his hands together, an almost pained frown on his face, "Fine."

"You're right, Jackie," He said reluctantly, "The Fonz could... beat up Bruce Lee."

"Thank you," Jackie smiled pleasantly as she stood patting Eric on the knee and cheek patronizingly, "Now, Steven, don't forget to call me tonight."

"Yes, dear," Hyde smirked sarcastically, letting her kiss him on the corner of his mouth before she left, going up the basement stairs.

"Hey, Hyde, quick question," Eric started as he made his way to the deep freeze, grabbing a popsicle, "Why can't you date someone a little less annoying?"

"Oh, yeah," Hyde muttered, grabbing a Playboy as he sat in his chair, "Like who?"

"What about Barbara Vanson?" Kelso asked as Eric sat back on the couch.

"Nah, she's just as annoying as Jackie," Hyde said, flipping through the pages.

"But her boobs are huge," Kelso grinned.

"Yep," Hyde smirked, showing the guys a page spread, dazing them, "Gotta admit, I can't find that annoying."

"Pam Macy!" Kelso exclaimed when he finally snapped out of it, "Now she's got some knockers."

"Yeah, but they're not bigger than Barbara's," Hyde said, not lifting his eyes from the magazine as he flipped through the pages.

"Wha- yeah they are."

"You're dreaming," Eric disagreed, "It's like comparing- Exodus and Deuteronomy, both of which have taught us very valuable lessons, oh hi, Dad!" He stuttered over his sentence when Red suddenly entered the basement, Hyde quickly hiding the magazine in his stomach.

"Damn dryer's broke," Red grunted, "Ah, nuts, I need my vice grips." He exited the basement just as quickly as he entered.

"Have you seen Pam in a tube top?" Kelso started the second the basement door closed, "It's like looking at the grand tee tons! In a tube top!"

"Look," Hyde said, "The issue isn't 'are Pam's big.' The issue is 'are they bigger than Barbara's' because Barbara's are bigger than - the Walls of Jericho, which we all know came tumbling down, right?" He cut off his sentence a little smoother than Eric did when Kitty came down the basement stairs.

"Hello, Mrs. Forman," He greeted, nearly forgetting to hide the magazine cover, accidentally kicking the coffee table when he crossed his legs in his hurry to hide it from her.

"Hi. Uh, Eric, did your father come down here?" Kitty asked nervously.

"Yeah, he's fixing the dryer."