Butterflies (A Harry Styles Love Story) [COMPLETED]

Chapter 23 - It's Okay to Cry

Harry's POV

There was a sense of calm and pure contentment as I awoke the next morning, I looked over at Jen, tangled amongst the sheets, her left arm bent above her head, her right over the top of the duvet. Her chest rose and fell with every breath she took, the way my white t-shirt fitted her made the heat rise to my cheeks. God she is so perfect. I gently brushed a stray strand of her now turquoise hair out of her face. She had been changing her hair colour every few weeks and, as my eyes darted around her room I spotted a box of lilac hair dye under her desk, no doubt before 2014 was over her hair woud be a pastel lilac. I smiled as my gaze returned to the sleeping girl beside me. It was then that I noticed the head of the small teddy poking out from under the sheet, I swallowed as my fingers clasped it, pulling it into my lap, I slowly fiddled with the bow round its neck. For how long I did this, I don't know, for how long I let silent tears run down my cheeks I don't know but I was back to reaity by a thumb gently wiping beneath my eyes, I glaced to my side to see a concerned Jen staring up at me with her deep brown eyes. She sat up and pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead, I closed my eyes, enjoyiing the feeling of her lips against my skin. Slowly, this girl with a big heart, crazy hair and a wonderful personality was fixing me, because, for the first time in a long time I had let someone in and why I had I still wasn't sure. One thing was certain though, I am so glad I did.

"Hey," Jen smiled, her voice deeper than usual, it always was when she had just woken up. She shuffled around so that she too was sat against the headboard, her body pressed against mine, her head on my shoulder, her right arm across her body with her hand holding onto my bicep. 

"Hey," I replied, repeating her words, pressing a quick kiss to the top of her head before I let out a deep breath, almost a sigh.

"You thinking about Cassie and Ellie?" Jen asked, stroking the top of the teddy's head, I swallowed and nodded.

"Yeah,"  only it came out as more of a breath than a word.

"That's okay, you know that right?" Jen said, sitting up properly and snatching my right hand between both of hers, playing with my fingers and tracing patterns on my palm. "I mean that's perfectly normal Haz, Cassie was a massive part of your life and if I can even be half the girl she was I'll be pleased."

I looked at her, her gaze was fixed on my hand, a solitary tear running down her cheek.

"Hey, hey, hey why are you crying?" I asked her, pulling her upwards so that she was sat between my parted legs beneath the duvet, her back against my chest, my arms wrapped tightly around her and I swayed her too and fro slightly.

"Because I can't imaginie what it was like for you, I hate thinking of you so helpless and broken Haz, I can't bear it," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Well I'm okay now aren't I, look I'm a happy chappy" I said, she turned her head and I gave her a big cheesy grin in an effort to lighten the mood. She smiled at me and snuggled further into my chest, her palm pressed against my heart.

"I can feel your heart beat" she said, more a statement to herself than to me I think. "That makes me happy." she said.

"Why's that?" I asked as I rested my chin on the top of her head.

"Because you could've so easily given up once Cassie and the baby died, but you carried on and you're still here with a heart that beats just like mine, just like Gemma's, just like Nialls, just like everyone elses, you're still here and that makes me happy."

"I hated her for giving up for a while," I said softly, my mind wandering to memories of Cassie, her dark brown curls which used to fall in front of her face, she always always refused to tie it back. When she was happy she'd tip her head back in laughter and as she did so, her eyes would close and srunch her nose up. But in the blink of an eye that was all gone, I wish I had really appreciated the sight before me the last time it happened, but how was I to know it was the last?

"Harry, don't" Jen tried.

"No, I did, I couldn't understand how she could leave me behind in the world. For a long time she was my only source of happiness and suddenly she was gone. How could she leave me? I asked myself that every day until Niall once told me four words that I'll never, ever forget," I swallowed, closing my eyes tightly, trying to will myself to let the next four words pass my lips. When I reopened my eyes Jen was looking up at me with her wide brown eyes, curosity laced over her features.

"Because you left her"

With that, Jen buried herself tightly into my chest, flinging her arms round my neck, holding me close, letting me know it was okay to cry. That's exactly what I did.

"I shut Niall out after that, then I shut Liam out, I dragged Louis and Zayn into a lot of shit, drink, drugs, for a few months anyway until I got too bad for them to deal with. When they wouldn't come to parties with me, I went alone. Over time I began talking to them again, Gemma told me I had to but I always felt they were anticipating when I would next blow up, do something stupid. Jen it's horrible, awful watching your friends turn into your parents, I felt so small."

"Haz you don' have to say all this, you don't, not if it's going to hurt you so much" I shook my head, swalllowing.

"Jen, I've kept all this bottled up for so long, I need to say this or I'll burst" I reasoned, she gave a small nod, letting me continue

"And then this girl arrived, Niall wouldn't shut up about the fact he thought she fitted into the group perfectly,  felt jealous, I felt replaced, at last they had found something new when I got too boring, so I decided to see what all the fuss was about. It was you Jen, and from the moment I met you I had some kind of protective hold over you, like I didn't want you to disappear like Cassie had. But then I realised you were getting too close to me, you were finding out too much and I didn't want to drive you away like I had done to Cassie. So I ran before it got complicated, I was going out of my mind in London, all that was running through my head was memories of Cassie and thoughts of you. Then I saw you on the platform, never have I felt so content in an instat. Jen you were the one to break down my walls to the real Harry, you saved me Jen and for that, I love you so fucking much" I didn't realise I had tears running down my cheeks until Jen kissed them away. That's when I noticed she too was crying, I frantically rubbed at her cheeks, erasing her tears, but, just like mine, they kept coming. We sat there, cuddled together beneath the sheets sobbing into each others arms for quite some time. But it was okay.

Everything was okay.

Because if there's one thing Jen's taught me, crying just shows you're human.

It's okay to be human, to show emotion.

It's okay to cry.