Redeeming the Darkness

Chapter Twenty-Two - Zane

I was sitting alone in my office, grinning like a mad man. I was looking through the pictures Ivy and I had taken on our trip and couldn't fight the urge to smile at every single one. I'd captured a few of her when she wasn't watching me and those seemed to be my favorite. One, in particular, I wanted to blow up and hang on my office wall so I could look at it every single day. We'd just arrived at the Grand Canyon and she was looking out over the rocks with the most peaceful expression. She looked serene and I craved that in my life. She made me feel like it was something I could actually have. In twenty-three years, I'd only known darkness and she was like a candle. The light that I'd been praying and hoping for.

I remember the first time I felt the darkness that would become a constant home for my mind at the age of twelve. The very first blow was in the stomach but it was my heart that held the worst of it. The scars that were left on my heart were still painful and it was something I vowed to keep inside me. I could take whatever it was the world threw at me, I just had to bottle it up and store it away where no one would find it. It was the latter that was getting hard. Ivy seemed to be chiseling away at the safe that held my secrets and I wasn't sure how much longer I had before she'd completely break it down.

Her lips on my cheek pulled me out of my thoughts. I was still sitting in my desk chair starring at her photo on my laptop. Her arms were wrapped around my chest from where she stood behind me and her nose was pressed into my neck.

"Why are you still in here?" She asked

I closed my laptop and pulled her arms away, leading her around to the front of the chair and guided her into my lap. "I was looking at our pictures." I answered.

"Looked more like you were staring at me, if I'm being honest," she said, and I chuckled.

"I guess it looked exactly like what I was really doing, then."

Her cocky smile made it impossible for me to resist the urge to push my fingers through her hair and bring her face closer to mine. She kissed me willingly and the ache I had in my chest convinced me I needed more of her. I broke away and looked into her eyes, trying to see if she felt what was between us as much as I did.

"Ivy," I whispered. My voice was deeper than usual and the slight raise in her eyebrows told me she heard it as well. "Ivy, I want to be with you."

She smiled. "You are with me, silly."

I returned her smile. "No, baby, I mean I want to be with you. I want to be your husband in every sense of the word. I don't want to leave anything out of our marriage anymore."

I saw the moment she understood what I was trying to say and the fear that flashed in her eyes forced a physical reaction inside my soul. It hurt to know she was afraid of me in any way.

"Zane." Her breathing became a little irregular and she stood, putting some space between us. I didn't stand because I didn't want her to run, but I grasped the armrests on the chair to hold me in place. "I, um. Good grief." She let out a humorless laugh and pushed her hands through her hair, an obvious sign of stress.

"Please, tell me how you feel." I begged.

"It's not that I don't want that, because I do, but," She paused and looked at me from where she stood. She straightened her back and shoved her hands into the pockets of her sweatpants. "Can you tell me, right now, that you're in love with me?"

Her question was so bold and I envied that. I wanted to be bold like her, I wished I was able to take someone by the shirt collar and demand answers I needed. I thought about her question and then felt darkness ebb into my vision. I answered honestly. "No."