loving someone / matty healy

𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙣𝙤 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙙

Laying in bed later that night felt strange, and most likely because it wasn't next to Matty on his bedroom floor. We'd stayed there a long while, both of us fearing that if we moved a muscle, everything would be ruined - the peace, the comfort, the safety we'd built up during those invaluable moments under his glow-in-the-dark stars.

Dad had called up the stairs, terribly startling both of us, as he informed us that my mum was absolutely hammered and he needed to get her home before her and Denise started sharing more of their explicit birthing stories again.

So, here I was, gazing at my fairy lights that now just felt mediocre compared to how being underneath Matty's lights had felt, and suddenly feeling a thrash of guilt washing over me, lapping around my insides like waves over rocks.

Armaan.

I have a fucking boyfriend, I couldn't stop thinking. I have a fucking boyfriend and I was lying there with somebody else wishing I never had to leave.

Am I a terrible person?

I like Armaan, I really do. When he first asked me to go on a date with him, I practically jumped at the chance. As much as I'm more interested in personality, the fact that he was recognised as one of the best looking boys in our year wasn't lost on me, and part of me had originally thought that his asking me out was some awful joke or dare from his friends. But it wasn't, and he genuinely liked me, and I genuinely grew to like him, too.

I grew to like him so much so that, now, I couldn't help but feel slightly ridiculous because everything about his recent behaviour towards me should make me feel the opposite way. But I couldn't seem to further invest myself in any kind of relationship with him until he was honest with me. I still didn't know what had caused the fight, but every part of me was saying that it wasn't Matty's fault. I made the decision then and there, as my eyes began to feel heavy and the clock to my left read 1:32am, that Armaan was going to be honest with me when I questioned him the next day.

______

The wind breezed through my hair as the crisp air bit my skin, the grinding of my skateboard's wheels the only sound that could be heard at 6am as I drifted across the tarmac. A few cars could be seen passing in the distance, but once they did, it was just me and my thoughts turning like the wheels beneath me.

My sleep had been restless, and pretending that I was in a coming-of-age movie by skating down a, currently, deserted road under streetlights that were soon to be weakened by the brightening of the sun was proving to be the only activity that could calm me down.

I considered going over to Matty's before school, but it was probably stupid of me to even think that that boy had been up before 8am since he was a bloody newborn.

But, before I knew it, the horrendous school bell was attacking my eardrums, and the serenity of the peaceful early morning hours was gone, completely. I'd arrived at school alone, using the time to prepare myself for what I was going to say to Armaan. What I was going to demand from him.

I decided that it could wait until lunchtime, and also, I was trying to juggle that and my, probably, immature avoidance of Matty after last night. It felt like there was a kind of irreversible turning point, or rather, revelation, in our relationship. Were we going to address it? Or were we going to just skip around it and be awkward as fuck? Most likely the latter.

"Evelyn!" I was walking down the hallway when I heard my name being called, turning my head to see who it was, finding it to be Zahra. "Hi!"
I stopped to allow her to catch up to me, a smile appearing on my face, taking my earphones out and shoving them into my pocket. "Hey, Z! Can I call you Z?"
"Call me whatever you want, as long as I can call you Eva"
"Eva? Why Eva?"
She shrugged her shoulders. "Meh, I just like it" She linked her arm with mine as we made our way down the corridor.
I was really starting to enjoy having a friend that was a girl, I'd always made friends with boys.

"Hey, uh, have you seen Armaan?" I knew I was going to have to find him at some point.
"Armaan?" She turned to me, the confusion evident on her face, and in her voice.
"Yeah, Armaan Laghari? My boyfriend?" Nervously, I laughed. There was an immediate look of surprise on her face, and I tried not to take it too personally. She must have noticed.

"Oh my God, no! I don't mean it like that! I just- I know you and Matty aren't together yet, but I didn't realise you were already with someone, sorry."
"I-It's okay, yeah, we've been together a few months, I'm just looking for him, no big deal" I casually answered, but her use of the word 'yet' wasn't leaving my mind.

_____

At lunch, just as planned, I found myself searching the areas of the school that I knew Armaan often found himself hanging out in.
The benches outside were a miss, as was the library, and so I started making my way to the cafeteria.

A hand suddenly latched itself around my wrist, and, thinking that it was Armaan, I was happy at the thought of not having to walk any further, but when I turned around and seen that it was Matty, I was even happier.
"Hey" He smiled.
"Hi" I smiled back, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
"We haven't seen each other all morning" It was a statement, no hint of a question. He must have understood why.

"Yeah just, you know, stuff to get on with, I guess. You didn't come to find me either" I felt absolutely ridiculous for being so awkward around him. We were Matty and Evie, we were barely ever apart, we're not supposed to be awkward with each other.
"Yeah, stuff to get on with too, I guess," One hand was raised to his mouth, biting his nails.
"You coming to sit with us?"
"Uh, I've got to go find Armaan" There was a look that flashed in his eyes, but he had rolled them too quickly after, and so I couldn't decipher what it was. It wasn't one of happiness, though.

"Yeah, you have a nice time with that"
He moved to walk past me, shoulder colliding with mine, and when he didn't make his usual move to apologise, I knew he was pissed off with me.
"Come on, he's my boyfriend, Matty!" I called after him, trying to initiate some kind of understanding.

His feet stopped, shoulders rising as he took in what looked like a really deep breath, eventually turning back around to face me. From a few metres down the hallway, I could now make out what that flash in his eyes was.

Hurt.

"Don't you think I'm already fucking aware of that, Evelyn?" And I stood there, watching him as he turned back around and began trudging down the hallway, a hand running through his longer hair.

I felt a wave of hurt of my own, and I couldn't tell whether it was caused by the hurt I'd caused him, or the fact that for the first time since we were kids, he hadn't called me Evie.