loving someone / matty healy

𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡𝙨

Zahra walked me home that day once school had eventually ended, after finding me hiding in the toilets. Yeah, not one of my best moments.

She asked me what was wrong, but when I told her 'I just really don't want to talk about it', there was no 'but, why?' She didn't press the issue any further, instead, she wrapped her arm around my shoulder, speaking quietly but endearingly, "Let's get you home."

We later found ourselves wrapped up in blankets on my bed, binge-watching a Netflix show that soon became just the background noise to our chatter, after having escaped the rain that decided to fall just as we had stepped out of the shelter of the school building. Our feet took off running in the direction of my home as soon as the first patters of water hit the pavement around us, the sky rumbling as the clouds displayed a grey palette.

Her curiosity of why she found me in the situation she did had been looming over us heavier than the darkening clouds visible outside my window, and even though she wasn't making me feel pressured to say anything, I decided that I wanted to.

"It's Armaan," I spoke quickly, afraid I'd regret my decision of opening up. She rubbed my hand, a sign that she appreciated me doing so, and paused the TV. "Or, no, it's Matty. Well, actually it's both of them."

Her eyes opened slightly wider, a smirk on her face. "Are you juggling them both?"
I gasped in mock-offence, but soon began laughing after. "God, no. I just- Matty's my best friend. Always has been. He's my person, you know? I can't imagine ever not having him in my life." I was struggling to get my point across. I didn't even know what my point was.

"So, what's the problem?" Her words weren't trivialising in the slightest, and I found great comfort in the care she was genuinely expressing.
"Well, I'm with Armaan. That's not a problem, necessarily, or, at least, it wasn't before. But now, Matty and Armaan have beaten the crap out of each other and I still don't know exactly why, and I don't know which one to trust. I don't want to make Armaan mad for not believing that it's Matty's fault, but I don't want to hurt Matty by believing, o-or even thinking, that it's his fault."

"Do you love Armaan?" The question, and my immediate thought of it's irrelevance, caught me off-guard. Do I love Armaan?
"I- We've never said it. I think I could love him. Isn't that the point though, to actually fall in love with someone, gradually?"
"Not if you're already in love with someone else" She gave a shrug of her shoulders, not a nonchalance that suggested she didn't care, but one which implied she'd already figured it out.

"And who else would I be in love with?" I laughed, shoving at her shoulder to get a reply.
She looked at me, face deadpanning.
"I think we both already know the answer to that."
I pursed my lips, deciding not to deny it.
"Well, of course I love Matty. I always have. But I'm not in love with him, Z. It's not like that, I'm sure he'd tell you the same thing himself."

There were a few moments of silence, not awkward, just Zahra deep in thought, and me trying to make sense of the thoughts I'd rambled out to her.
"All I'll say is, you didn't see his smile today when he ran over to tell us about how you had dinner at his house last night for the first time in ages." I smiled at that, I'd wanted to tell someone, too.

"Yeah, it was really great" Even though it was just a small one, my smile wasn't disappearing, and Zahra nudged my shoulder.
"You two make me sick" She laughed, and I couldn't help but do so, too. I knew what Matty and I had was special and rare, that never passed me by. I just didn't realise how easy it would be to damage. We weren't weak, not at all. Just scared, and that can breed fragility for
something no one is ready to let go of.

"You know you don't have to make a decision just yet, right?" We were leaning with our backs against the wall, sitting on my bed. Not having really moved much since we settled in this position, my neck grew tired, and my head soon found its place resting on Zahra's shoulder. Her head rested on top of mine soon after.

"A decision?"
"Between Armaan and Matty."
My eyes opened, feeling like I'd just been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. But, I decided not to try and lie. I knew exactly what she meant, and it was probably best that I confronted this truth before it was too late. Before anybody gets hurt.

"I know" I spoke quietly.
"Well, anyway," She began, and I was instantaneously grateful for the change of subject. "Speaking of the little shit, we're all going 'round to his later for movies. That's something you guys all do together, right?"

"Oh, shit, yeah. I haven't tagged along in a while, though." Every Friday after school since we were younger, around dinner time, Matty and I had spent that time together watching films at his house, then, after a few years, George, Hann, and Ross joined us, and it's became almost a tradition ever since. I smiled at the thought of Zahra now becoming part of our tradition.

"We all want you there tonight, just so you know."
"Even Matty?" I scoffed.
"Why wouldn't he want you there?"
"We kinda argued earl- I don't even know if you'd call it an argument. But I know I've upset him."
"I don't think there's anything you could do to make that boy not want you there, trust me."
"Thank you. You know, I'm really glad Ross finally asked you out, I don't know what I would have done without you today."
"Bitch what makes you think he asked me out? No, love, I was the one that finally took one for the team." She chuckled, and I tried not to give away the fact that that was not the version of events Ross had given us.

"So, you're coming tonight?" Her voice was bubbly at the idea, and I just couldn't reject the offer.
"Mhm, I'll be there."