Nocturne of Nightmares: A Retelling

Chapter Twenty-Five

     WE SAT ON THE COUCH in silence, trying to find the words with which to begin. Licht had suggested that we eat from the soup before getting into the gritty details of our nightmares and theories, but now, there was no delaying it. I crossed my legs under me and started with my dream since it seemed to come first. The playroom, the dolls, Monica and Thoma, the monster – I could see all of it like it was still happening in front of me.

"It charged for Thoma, but he didn't move. Neither of us could, but... it felt like he wasn't trying to, like he didn't want to. And then, I woke up."

Subaru didn't say anything for a moment, and I could tell he was taking his time to process everything. "You saw that, too?" He turned to Licht, who cleared his throat, reluctant.

"In my, uh, nightmare I could hear Ziya screaming. I followed the sound to the playroom, when..." – he winced – "Well... We couldn't stop it."

Licht's gaze met the floor. Something about the way he described it this time made me wonder if his nightmare reflected what had really happened back to him. Had we been trying to stop the monster, and failed all over again?

We were so useless. I was useless. Even though I faced my past, even though I wasn't scared of that abomination anymore...

I still couldn't save him.

My chest burned like it had been placed under a branding iron. "I'm gonna get some air."

There had never been a better time to use the balcony. I held onto the balustrade just as the breeze wrapped its icy fingers around me. Before I knew it, there were hot tears making trails down my cheeks.

Not now, I don't want to cry! My grip tightened around the beam as I reprimanded myself. I have to figure this out! I have to be stronger than this. I've faced a literal monster, I can't fall apart now! Licht said not to blame myself. Thoma is at peace... Thoma is at peace, and we are going to beat these stupid nightmares just like before!

With that, I forced an end to the waterworks and gathered up as much courage as I could before turning back to the house. But I stopped in my tracks when, to my surprise, I found Subaru standing between me and the door.

"Oh my gosh!" I pressed my hand upon my chest. "Subaru..."

"Sorry if I scared you, I'm just..." he started, but then he approached me with care.

Suddenly, Subaru was holding me in his arms. Confused as I was, I linked my hands at his back and breathed his name. Had he heard me crying? I was swiftly hot with embarrassment.

"Why are you apologising? It's not like you gave me a heart attack or anything. I'm fine," I chuckled nervously. Subaru sounds so sincere. If I'm not careful, he'll make me cry all over again. Maybe I should pull away...

But as I tried, Subaru held me firmly in place. When I looked up at him, I immediately doubted whether I'd be able to move now, regardless. His gaze... it paralysed me.

"I came out here because..." He stopped for a second. "R-Remember when you told me that putting on a brave face and denying my pain wouldn't help me conquer my past?"

Of course, I remember. Regaining command of myself, I turned my face away so he couldn't see my scar. Why'd I do that? It's not something I'm ashamed of, but...

"What I mean is... I thought you planned to hide your feelings from us and pretend they weren't there, but when I heard you crying, all I could think about was holding you. I'm sorry because you're hurting. And I'm holding you because I want to be here for you, like you were for me." Subaru finally released me and our eyes met once more. His cheeks went crimson against his pale skin as I stared up at him, speechless. "If you'll allow me to. If I just made things awkward..."