Eric Cartman Dies? Good || Kyle Broflovski x Fem Reader

Chapter 1

3rd Person Pov

"Dude, hurry up. It's like you're taking a fat shit in there," Stan called out to his best friend.

A groan could be heard from the bathroom.

"I have to look my best, ok? This is a date we're talking about," Kyle replied, combing his red mess of hair.

"Yeah, and you've never had one before," Stan snickered.

"I-I have!" Kyle snapped back.

"And when was that date? Like 6 or 7 years ago? And it ended in Cartman stealing her?

"Be quiet! I won't have to worry about Cartman this time!"

Currently, Kyle was getting ready for a date, but not just any normal date, a date with Wendy Testaburger. You heard me right, Kyle was going to go out with his best friend's ex.

Stan didn't mind, really. He'd gotten over Wendy a few years back, and he considers Kyle and Wendy a better match, anyway. It's still a big shock to a lot of people, though, especially to Stan's close friends. Stan had been chasing over Wendy for years and now he's just gonna let his best friend date her?

As of now, the two are about to have their first date at a fancy restaurant in town. The few times they've interacted had been awkward, and they figured a real date would loosen them up a bit.

Kyle didn't really have any fancy outfits, so he had to go to Stan's house and try out what he has.

Kyle stuck his tongue out, still trying to take control of his big fluffy hair. He let out an exhausted sigh.

"Maybe I should just wear my hat," he mumbled to himself.

Kyle opened the bathroom door, wearing a tuxedo and his signature hat. Stan raised his eyebrow.

"Why are you wearing that? I thought you said you wanted to 'go bare' this time or something?" he asked.

"I just... think I look stupid without it," Kyle admitted.

Stan shrugged. "Whatever you say, dude."

Kyle gathered his wallet and his car keys and stuffed them into his pocket. To be frank, he was quite nervous. He hadn't had a date in years, and the last one he had ended up with Cartman stealing his girl.

Yes... Cartman. The 'fatass' as Kyle likes to call him, had fucked up his life many times before, and his relationship status was not an exception. Kyle was just happy that finally he could date someone without some weird shit happening, or anyone butting in.

Kyle smiled to himself. "Tonight's gonna be a good night," he thought to himself.

"Bye, Stan! See you tomorrow!" Kyle called out to his best friend.

"Text me after your date! I'm curious about what will happen!"

"Alright!"

Kyle exited Stan's house and got into his car. He had to contain himself from going over the speed limit, he was just too excited for the date.

Once he arrived, he took notice of Wendy, who was already waiting outside of the restaurant. Kyle caught sight of her body language. Her arms were awkwardly behind her, and she was staring down at the ground, rocking her body side-to-side.

"Hey, Wendy," Kyle grinned, walking up to her.

Wendy raised her head and bit her lip.

"Hey, Kyle..."

Kyle's grin quickly grew into a concerned frown. Wendy didn't seem too happy.

"What's wrong?"

Wendy looked straight into Kyle's eyes.

"I don't think this relationship can work, I'm sorry."

Kyle's heart sunk. Wendy was breaking up with him? Why? As far as he knew, he didn't do anything wrong, so why all of the sudden?

"Wh-Why?"

Kyle had tears in the corners of his now glossy eyes. Wendy sucked air through her teeth. She clearly didn't enjoy breaking the truth to him.

"Well... I've just heard that... well, you have AIDS. A-And the last girl you banged got AIDS from you so.."

Kyle's face immediately turned from a frown to a face of disbelief. AIDS? What kind of bullshit did this girl hear? Who the hell even told her this? He's never even banged a girl before! He's a virgin!

"Wh-What?"

"I'm sorry, Kyle. I have to leave."

Before Kyle could even defend himself, Wendy strode away, her hair flowing behind her. Kyle was just left there, angry, confused, and sad. At first he thought Wendy was just joking, but after seeing how sad and hurt she looked... this was definitely real.

"Why," Kyle thought to himself, "Why the fuck do these things have to happen to me?!"

His heart broken into millions of pieces, Kyle got back into his car on the verge of tears. The car ride back to his house felt longer than when he drove to the restaurant. His mind was filled with so many emotions.

When he arrived home, he didn't speak or acknowledge his family. All he did was walk to his room and plop down face-first onto his bed. He didn't feel like doing anything. Not after the break up.

He wondered, who the hell would lie about him like that? Who would be so malicious that...

Oh.

Kyle grabbed his phone from his back pocket and angrily went into the message app.

"That son of a bitch," Kyle mumbled to himself, clicking on Cartman's contact. Kyle immediately started to chew him out through text.

You asshole! You know I was looking forward to that date!

You're a dick, you know that?

I can't have one good thing without your fat ass butting in!

I hate you

I hate you so much

I hope you die

I'm going to kill you