Your White moonlight

Chapter One

How would you describe feeling nothing? The moment my head collided with the windshield, I knew it was over. I could feel my eyes roll back and saw the world turn black instantly. There was no pain, nor any time to think about my fate. It just happened, and before I knew it, the world I knew was gone. Instead it was replaced by silence and gloom.

I found myself only staring at dark,empty space for a while. It felt cold, desolate, and nothing like the warmth I was used to feeling; the warmth of being alive. I could feel my body in this empty space, standing and seeing nothing but eternal darkness.

I accepted the darkness which was  surrounding me like a stranger, trying to console me into acceptance.

To the acceptance that I was dead. That I would no longer see, feel, touch, or hear anything related to my home: my kids.

I blinked over and over again but the darkness was still there. There was no one to hold nor seek comfort to. I thought about everything and anything to bide time. Anything that I could grasp within my memory: My kids, my ex-husband, my job, and my life.

It wasn't till a small light started to glow in the distant darkness, that I had realized one thing. It had always been about me.

I left my husband and didn't try to work things out, not because they weren't fixable situations, but because I was tired.

I didn't care about whether or not the kids wanted a complete family or not, because I wanted to be free.

I didn't devote as much time as I could towards my kids because I was so wrapped around my job, as it was sometimes even more important than them.

I cut the family trip short because a pesky problem from work interfered. A problem which destroyed the months of planning my kids did to make sure this trip fit into my busy schedule. I didn't notice the amount of work they had spent into planning the entire trip.

Kyle, my tiny little son who could barely carry his own weight, stayed up with his sister for nights at their father's house planning this trip. I had told them I was busy but they were stubborn— just like him. All it took was one call from the CEO that I didn't refuse, even as the Vice President of the company. Before I realized it, I had crushed their hope into tiny pieces and felt utterly stupid.

Before I left my kids I didn't once think of how disappointed they were. I didn't think about how I always did this— how I always left them. It was a kind of pattern I didn't realize. Maybe that was why he gave up on me too.

I curled my fingers into a fist and let my slightly sharp nails dig into my skin. It had always been about me.

And maybe that's why the darkness wasn't as scary as it was supposed to be.