It's my party and I can cry if I want to

Don't worry about me! 👍🏾💫

It's eight o'clock in Jersey, and the wind blows in dishonesty,

Swaying the trees as the anger arises in me,

I stare disinterestedly out of the window- questioning,

Questioning my existence in the world ... my existence to others,

I watch unanimously with others as a storm rushes through unannounced,

Cloudy skies, blue lies, and sorrowful feelings,

The need to belong was enticing, but the desire to commit was impossible,

I listen intently as my neighbors laugh with interest and I could only imagine the way her eyes were crinkling and how she'd smile real big,

Smiling a smile that takes years for people to achieve,

I'm not sure when my last genuine smile was or how long it lasted,

Maybe I was ten? Maybe I was six? Maybe I wasn't born yet?

I didn't remember much of my childhood because it felt too painful to remember,

Don't worry, though!

My depression erased every earnest memory I had,

She made sure to take everything in the divorce, and left me to rebuild as she continues to take more stuff,

The walls speak to me- forcing emotions out of me that I hadn't felt in years,

Where did I belong? Was I meant to belong?

You say, "I can talk, but I have to go soon."

What did that mean for me? What about my feelings?

Sometimes I wonder if I mean as much to you as you do to me,

I'm in mental anguish as I feel the tears bubble in my eyes,

My chest tightens, and my throat loses air like a balloon,

Once my duty is provided- I'm disposable with the rest of the balloons in the trash or in the sky,

All alone, but at least I'm still beautiful though,

I'll be reminded I'm young, beautiful, and strong so none of this matters anyway.

Don't worry about me!

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Artist: Vincent van Gogh (Café Terrace at Night)

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Brief Description:

I wrote this poem today as I watched this sudden storm pass through Jersey. It's funny because I wasn't planning to write today and once I heard the thunder & lightning is when I knew I needed to. I use to hate thunderstorms like I'm talking extremely terrified and now it's my favorite type of weather. And as I watched the storm- I felt so overcome with emotion that all I could do was cry... alone in my dorm as the silence ate at me. I could hear my neighbors from both sides of me laughing and talking among friends. And it made me feel awful because I'm like where are my friends? I understand that a pandemic is happening and school just started up so everyone has other priorities but I always feel like I'm understanding of everyone else. It's unbelievable how much that I give to everyone in my life and I know it seems hypocritical that I wrote a poem about that and I literally said I can't expect myself in others (which I've been working on). However, everyone has their breaking points and I think I might've discovered mine. I hate when it's time to speak about an issue that I have- everyone disappears for a while or there's a timeframe given for how long they are able to listen. And I just feel like I don't belong anywhere and that's okay. I think communication is key in all relationships and if that doesn't work then move on without these people. Today was a rough mental day for me but I'm gonna continue to push through either way. I just never wanna pretend that I'm always okay because before I can be positive about a situation- I have felt that pain and then vent to decide what my next move is. But! I hope everyone is doing well with school and I'm wishing the best for those of us suffering from mental health issues. It's not easy but find time for yourself to understand what's triggering you or speak to someone close to you! Be safe out here!!
🤍🤍