furthermore

If You're Reading This

[STOP. Stop right now, and read this first. This is a suicide note that I wrote. I'm hoping that posting it publicly will discourage me from using it for its intended purpose. Before you read it, I want you to take a moment to get a hold of the strong people in your life, as well as the weak ones, and just make sure they're okay. And if you're struggling, reach out. Call your local crisis line. Please.]

If you're reading this, then I was finally brave. I was finally strong. I finally did something I've been scared of doing for a long time.
If you're reading this, I want you to let go. Release me into the void. Let go of the memories. They can't help you now. They'll just be nails on the chalkboard in the background of a life that you will continue living.
If you're reading this, I hope it hurts. I hope you understand how easy it would have been to stop me, to change my mind. I hope you can see how much of this was your fault, and you don't put it all on me. We both knew I was faulty, and that the system would eventually fail, but you just kept testing its limits until it broke.
If you're reading this, yes it hurt, yes I was scared, yes I wanted to take it back, but it was too late. "Life doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints; it takes and takes and it takes."
If you're reading this, I want you to forget about me. I want you to delete all the pictures and the memories, and when my birthday rolls around, I want you to treat it like any other insignificant day.
If you're reading this, I'm sorry.
If you're reading this, I was weak.
If you're reading this, I never meant to be your burden, or make you feel like my happiness was ever your responsibility. It wasn't.
If you're reading this, know that my greatest fear is being forgotten, but I still want you to erase me from your heart, because it's what I deserve, after the bitter way I thought if you, the things I said, the things I did and didn't do.
If you're reading this, it's because I wasn't enough of an individual person to shoulder the burden of living a life without you in it, even if you were just across town. Maybe especially because of that.
If you're reading this, I need you to understand how a notification would brighten my day, until I saw that it was from literally anybody but you. I used to live for the days when I would wake up to 30 notifications because you'd thought of me while I was asleep. Nothing would make me happier than constructing the words to say to you. But when they stopped, I couldn't make myself say the words I needed to say to you, because your life is infinitely harder than mine, and I was afraid to be the straw that broke the camel's back. I didn't want to make you hate me, so I let you make me hate myself until I couldn't stand it anymore. Not talking to you has been the hardest thing I've ever done.
If you're reading this, I held back the flood of intrusive thoughts and impulsive actions for nearly as long as you've been alive, but the dam got weak, and eventually they won.
If you're reading this, I want you to be stronger than me. I want you to say the things you need to say to the people that need to hear them. I want you to live your life.
If you're reading this, and if there's anything after this, I'll be waiting to see you again. Someday.