Luke

Chapter 14

Jay picked me up from the bleachers after school ended and we walked home. It was still pretty warm out, which I liked. It needed to be warm more often. 

"What do you have planned this fine evening?" I asked, pushing the button to cross the street.

"I have no fucking clue," she responded, starting to walk across the street. I followed behind her, getting back onto the sidewalk. "What do you want to do?"

"I asked you first."

"No, you asked what I had planned. That's not what I want to do."

"I guess we'll see when we get to your house."

"I guess so."

When we got to her house, we tossed our bags to the ground and Jay went to the kitchen, grabbing a bag of goldfish. "I had the worst fucking day."

"What happened?" I asked, pulling off my Docs and walking into the living room, sitting down on the couch. 

"Susie is such a fucking dick, first of all," she sat down, opening the bag. "So she starts off my insulting one of my favorite bands, but she didn't know I heard her, and then she keeps babbling on about some other stupid shit that I don't even remember, but what I do remember is me being fucking pissed and me wanting to slap her right in her privileged white ass face." She grabbed a handful of goldfish and shoved them in her mouth.

"Yeah, Susie's a bitch."

"She's more than that!" Jay retorted back.

"I can think of a couple other people who are bitchy, too."

"I can too, but Susie just sucks ass. Probably literally."

I scoffed, looking at the fire place. 

"So how about you?" Jay swallowed, taking more goldfish from the bag. "How was your day of sitting on the bleachers?"

"Good. Boring. I saw a dog."

"Aren't you ecstatic."

"You have no fucking clue. Can we go up to the roof? I need some air,"

"Yeah, sure. Want anything before we go up?"

"I really want a drink."

"What do you want? Beer? Vodka?"

"Beer's fine. I just want to drink, not get drunk. You feel?"

"Yeah, I got it. Head upstairs, I'll grab it."

I got off the couch and went up the stairs, opening her door and walking across the rugged carpet to her window. I opened it, the chill of the air hitting my face. I climbed up onto the roof and sat down, waiting for Jay to join me. 

"Cigarette?" Jay offered once joining me on the roof. She sat beside me, placing a six pack, a pack of cigarettes, and an ash tray between us. She pulled up a blanket from the window as well.

"Yeah, thanks." I took the cigarette from her, placing it between my teeth as she lit her lighter and both our cigarettes, the orange tint burning the paper down. 

"Sam really fucked up your eye," Jay reminded me, taking a pull of her cigarette and failing a smoke ring. 

"No, I had no idea," I replied sarcastically, smoke billowing from my mouth as I spoke.

"Are you okay? Not physically - well yeah that - you know what I mean."

"Well my whole body is throbbing for one thing," I started, ashes falling onto the roof top. I tapped the rest into the ash tray. 

"What did you even do? I mean, I know you told me stuff earlier -"

"Yeah, I know. It's just...." I sighed. "He keeps bothering me about me staying home from school all the time. Like it's his problem or something. I just wasn't in the mood to deal with him, so I just started fucking with him. There's no real reason why, I just wanted to piss him off, you know? Like you and your parents."

"My parents and I are different from you and Sam."

"Not really. They both suck and hate us."

"Yeah, that's true," she chuckled, taking a beer from the pack. I took one too, picking up the beer opener and popping the top off, the metal clinking against the roof top. "I know he brought some stuff up."

"Yeah," I took another drag, then a sip of the beer. It was room temperature, which was okay, but I usually liked it cold. It's basically the only thing I like cold. "It's stupid what he said. It doesn't bother me."

"Luke, he brought up your mom. That usually really hurts you."

I took another sip of beer, remaining silent. I felt shaky all of a sudden and sat up, taking my body weight off my palm. 

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No - I mean yes. Fuck I don't know." I pulled my hair back, taking another pull of my cigarette. I took a breath, trying to keep my breathing steady. Jay was staring at me; it was a comforting stare. 

I hesitated, trying to form my words. "H-he said I killed Mom. I know I didn't, but it just makes so much sense."

"Luke-"

"What if I did kill her? I didn't mean to if I did. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. I didn't mean to take away from her resting time. She probably hated me for that. Fuck, I killed her, didn't I? He was right. I killed my mom."

"Luke, stop it," Jay sternly commanded, moving her legs so she was sitting on her shins. "You didn't kill your mom. Nobody killed your mom. It was an accident, okay? A really stupid, really unfortunate accident. Sam was just fucking with your head. You didn't kill her, okay? She loved you and you know that. She loved you more than anything. All that stuff you did for her - it had to have helped cure her."

"Yeah, but not enough, obviously."

"That's not the point. You didn't kill your mom, Luke. Please, you have to realize that."

I took a sip of my beer again and put out my cigarette, wrapping my arms around my knees. I was still shaking, partly from the cold and partly from the stress. 

Jay crawled over and sat close to me, the warmth from her body soaking through my clothes. She gave me a side hug, kissing my shoulder and resting her head on my arm. "I love you, Luke, okay? I hate seeing you like this."

"I love you too, Jay. I'm fine, really. It's just...hard."

"I know. But everything will be okay. Just relax."

I calmed my breathing, taking a long swig of my beer. Jay put out her cigarette, the orange tint fading into the blackened ashes. She reached over to grab the blanket, laying down next to me. I moved down, laying next to her as well and placing my head on her chest. The sky was lit with stars and I smiled. Mom and I used to find constellations and count the stars when I was younger. I never did it anymore after she died. But now I do it with Jay sometimes. It doesn't make me sad for some reason. I actually feel normal when I do it. Happy.