Tales of Hopeless Romantic Fails

Don't start now

"I'm all good already
So moved on, it's scary...
Don't start caring about me now"
Dua Lipa, Don't start now

Fall 2020

Dear Diary,

I'm going to do something a little different this time and instead of ranting about another hopeless romantic fail from the get-go, I'm going to fan girl/geek out on my new job at Space Florida!! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would be here, yet here I am. Every day when I wake up, it honestly feels like living the dream.

Working on aviation and aerospace projects is what I've always wanted. At the moment, the team that I've been assigned to lead is for the Rocket launch for the Cape Camaveral spaceport. Launching in 7 days! Argh! I hope I've done everything I could have to make the mission launch without a hitch! Maybe I'll check my planner just to be sure...

Ok! I'm back. I think we're all set and good to go, couldn't have done it without my stellar team! Right so the guy - there's always a guy, it's just always the wrong one. What can I say, I seem to be a magnet for trouble. You would think moving states would maybe magically turn the bad luck I've had into good luck right? Like maybe it was something in the water in NYC? Nope. The bad luck continues! At least I'm picking up on red flags earlier on and not getting too emotionally invested deeply like I used to. The timeframe for them to redeem themselves is now shorter and shorter. It's sad sometimes and little bit disheartening, but hey a girl's got to look after herself.

So L, is the Secretary of the Millennial Space Group we run at work. Basically it's a group for Gen Y of all ages and genders to come together for industry events, debates on latest space topics and my personal favourite 48 hour team hackathons. I'm usually not a competitive person, but when it comes to hackathons, I got all out and pull all stops!

From the moment we met, he was intrigued. He would always ask me questions about my work history, where I studied, remembering random obscure things that I forgotten I told him. Like when I sprained my ankle, he asked how I was doing with the recovery. And when I was crazily stressed about the rocket launch, he was there to listen while I vented. In return, I did everything I could colleague to colleague to show him the ropes at Space Florida and our rocket launch mission team. And gave him advice when he needed it. So it definitely seemed like we had a pretty good working relationship.

Now generally I don't get romantically involved at work cause it gets messy when it doesn't work out. That and I really love my job so don't want to give it up. To me, we were good colleague friends, so as usual I was a bit slow on the uptake to notice his earlier hints. I'm telling you, it's an occupational hazard. It wasn't until the successful rocket launch (woohoo! Mission complete!), where he tried to hug me. That's when warning bells went off in my head of realisation (hmm we're just quite not there yet for hugs). We did however end up watching a Jumanji II online over the long weekend cause he was visiting his parents. 

Now this is where it gets interesting. See in my mind, I thought we were just going to chat via Netflix Party (it has a chat function and everything with really cool avatar icons to choose from including Pooh Bear!). L though had other ideas. He first called me on my phone to say hi and to check how we were going to chat during the movie. My response was Netflix Party? His response was it's hard to chat on Netflix Party while watching the movie, let's chat on FaceBook messenger! Umm sure.

During the movie, we messaged here and there at the best scenes. Then he called me again when he had a blackout on his end, so then we had to pause the movie. After it got fixed, he called me again after the movie ended. And we talked a bit more about the movie and what the rest of the weekend plans were. When I told him I was going to watch CW Flash, he kinda dissed it saying it was boring that each episode was the same with the solution - run faster. You know what I did though? Instead of defending the show (it was the weekend, I'm was really not in the mood for argument), I laughed. 

Now there's two kinds of laugh a girl can give you (take notes!), the first one is polite one when we're nervous/not sure how to respond. The other is actually a genuine laugh when we actually think you're funny. There's a big difference, you just have to learn how to tell. So if we're laughing alot, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're actually as funny as you think you are. Yet if you're sending us in a fit of giggles for no reason when you're not even trying to be funny, it's genuine. No girl can fake a laugh for that long. Just don't ask us which laugh we're giving you though, you'll never get a straight answer! 

Anyways it feels like forever since the last time when a guy friend has remembered all the things I've said (small or big) and calls because he wants to (with no initiation from my end). Even though we spend like 35 hrs together - he’s still not tired of talking to me yet. It's actually really nice for a change having a guy friend who does all the right things. To the point where it makes a girl blush with all this attention.

Naturally when I got back to work, I was telling my project mentor Dave about it (he's always curious re my non-existent love life and always gives the best advice). Who is this guy? Do I know him? Hmm sounds like a date to me! Say what now? He called you 3 times? Wow he must really like you. Yay! Go Hannah! 

See while my realistic and admittedly a tad bit protective defenses are up, they get lowered when friends of mine say stuff like this. It gets my hopes up and it comes crashing down every single time. Which is why it's always mind over heart for me, it keeps me safe but is a constant tug of war.

And that's what happened. Monday came after the weekend movie catch-up and L stopped talking to me completely the way we used to. No more daily IMs to see how I was going, no how are you - just point blank one worded responses. No explanation of course. I was take aback and pondered if I should bring it up but decided against it. If that's the way he wanted things to pan out, it takes out the dilemma of romantic relations at work. Problem solved. See that this why I'm so adamant with having a no dating at work policy. Work is over here and personal life is over there.

Course that seemed too simple. Cause then there would be times when he flipped personalities and started to care about me again and initiate conversations with emojis asking how I was. He kept blowing hot and cold which made no sense at all. Gosh, why is reality always confusing me? I don't know. But if you know can you tell me? Or when I find the answer I'll let you know. 

Anyways, after venting to Dave about it, I landed on this work friendship with the Secretary Guy is way too confusing when it doesn't need to be. I can work with him but nothing else while keeping professional. Dave's thoughts were, it's his loss! He was proud of me for standing my ground in not responding to the Secretary Guy's half baked attempt to fix things. Given I'm a full baker, it would have never worked out.

So there's the bright side of things. Although my love life has been less than stellar, I'm always thankful to have support from guy friends like Dave. And in case you're wondering, he's happily married folks! See guy friend theory. 

Onwards and upwards my friends! If people really care about you they won't blow hot and cold and keep you guessing everytime they respond! Don't start caring about me now when you already messed up more times than I can count.