Life through a string of kisses

Friday chats

Last period of a Friday was a free period to study, for Rebecca, in which she spent in a small Music room finishing coursework and catching up with Bobby. The two girls had grown close over the two years. Rebecca had simply invited her to stand with her and the girls while they waited to go into class. From that day she had sort of been adopted into the group, most of them probably seeing a part of themselves within her quiet.

This designated time for the two was special to both of the girls. Currently, they were discussing the differences between pansexuality and bisexuality. Rebecca struggled separating the concepts but Bobby was patient with her as usual. The premises of sexuality were on her mind a lot recently. The pressure to label and define herself seemed important and looked as if it played a role in your value in society. The label itself didn't even matter occasionally, just that you could be defined against societies criteria. Unfortunately, however much Rebecca wanted to be accepted by simply picking a label and sticking with it. On some fundamental level, Rebecca wanted it to feel true, and so was hesitant to rush this process. Even though she might have understood this, it still frustrated her when everyone around already seemed so certain.

What didn't help was the subtle feeling that she had a crush on some of her friends. Okay maybe most of them. Jenny was straight, but Charlotte and Bobby were bi or gay, which simultaneously helped and hindered Rebecca feeling better. She loved how Bobby was pretty and delicate, kind and subtly smart. But in contrast, she loved how Charlotte was outspoken and artistic, and brought her into the world of comic con and anime.

Struggling with her feelings was made worst by the seemingly growing relationship between the two contradicting souls. Bobby would recite the twos neverending conversation around gender and identity, while Rebecca listened intently. She tried to be a supportive friend while keeping her own feelings at bay. Which was hard when she kept focusing on the girl's fingers and how they would tuck her long blonde hair behind her ear.

With the day at an end and the conversation finished with, they said their goodbyes and Rebecca walked to the car. Her Nan was there to pick her up, just as she had for the last seven years of Secondary school. It seemed to content the elderly woman and make her feel as thought she was contributing to her granddaughters education somehow. Rebecca's Nan was kind and had been there throughout Rebecca's childhood, which would often be the causing factor of the guilt Rebecca harboured when she simply wanted to thank her for the lift and leave. But most days she sat and made it look like she enjoyed the woman's company, which she did, she just wanted to be alone more.

With pleasantries finally over she walks into the empty house. The only sounds being the skeleton clock in the living room gradually getting quieter as she ascended the stairs to her escape. These four walls were nothing special: a single bed, furniture way too big for the small box room including a desk, wardrobe and chester draws. It was in these ever increasing hours spent locked away that Rebecca would loose herself in Tumblr, Pinterest and drama TV shows. Escapism had developed into the norm. It was the default when the quiet of her room was overbearing a mere second after stepping within. The desire to be alone was an oxymoron to her room, which was covered in smiling faces in an unconscious reminder of happier times. And then within a blink of an eye the weekend filled with nothingness was gone, and the week started its repeated cycle once again.