the story of you

Take Me Back To The Start

As I said, things truly began to take a turn. That first semester of college soon became arguably  the worst time of my life.

Not only were things shaky in my own head, it began to reflect on us two. We used to be so close, so taken by each other and it was shocking to see how things had changed within a year. Thing we're so bad and confusing that even though months have passed since i was stuck in that rut and it's still triggering to recall. Looking back now, everything was blurry. I just remember countless nights crying, mental breakdowns and panic attacks. I also remember constant distractions, which is why to many i may have seemed alright, but only you knew how bad it was for me that time, because you saw me a lot - you had to see me a lot, and you saw me at my worst.

Needless to say, you turned cold, and as soon as i sensed a tiny breeze all the walls i broke down for you built right back up. I told you, even at the moments you made me feel like the luckiest person in the world i never let my guard down, ever. The thing is, I don't think you turned because of me, you turned because of how you were feeling and it reflected on everyone, not just me. But it seemed like it was only me. I was always there for you to confide in, and I felt like I was treated poorly. I know we all go through things and it affects us differently, but it was no excuse to genuinely treat everyone that way, especially me, who tried to get through to you, many, many times. So i felt angry, vulnerable, and foolish. I had given you so many chances to redeem yourself and i've never given anyone else in my life more than a single chance. With you, I had hope, and i didn't want to give up on you that easily, but things turned south so quickly, and soon enough, I had to give up.

Everyday I wished everything can go back to normal, every single day i was in pain, every single day i was confused, anxious and sad, all while compensating you're lack of participation in the friend group and trying to get by with good grades, trying to make the best out of my first year and make new friends. It was hard because the first year of college is always important, it's a foundation for the friends youre gonna make, the classes you're gonna take and your GPA. Everything felt so hard, and I took out my anger on the wrong people, all because i couldn't get an inch of myself to hate you, or even be mad at you, no matter how hard i tried.