the story of you

Conversations & Stability

Time passes and the same day seemed to repeat over and over again. I was at my lowest. I felt helpless, pathetic, angry and in pain. Everyday i'd come home from uni and cry, then act like i was fine and go out with my friends.

None the less, you kept drawing my back in - and i was a fool. I knew you only treated me right when it was convenient, but it gave me a taste of how the old days were, so i took that bittersweet feeling and let you play me, once again. Every time i told myself to back away, you kept telling me  things that made it seem as if you were aware of your distance, and that you were coming back. I kept rationalizing, because i knew you had a lot going on behind closed doors. Until eventually, it was no longer an excuse because the pattern of it being exerted on our friend group - mostly me, was very apparent, and I no longer broke my promises at the simple sight of your face.

Eventually i couldn't take it anymore, I was at my breaking point - I began to avoid you, completely. Which was hard as is seeing that we had most the same classes, but it was all I could do. It's childish to have ignored you that way but it was all that was left. It wasn't like you were considerate of the way you treated me anyway.. Besides, I couldn't exactly come to you with my problem, because not only would i have sounded like an irrational psycho bitch, even if i had a point, you'd realize the effect you had on me, and at the time, i'd rather avoided you than have you know how much you meant to me, because it would've been apparent there was something beyond friendship going on in my mind at that point.

It was hard. I kept acting like i was fine and everyone thought i was, in reality it was the lowest id ever felt. Crying every night, getting no sleep and not talking to anyone about what was going on no matter how much they caught on were slowly drowning me.

One fateful night my friends and I all went to visit you. I came because it was a few weeks after a relative of yours had passed, and i was still your friend no matter what. During that while I packed up all the emotions - negative or positive - I had towards you and just decided to be a friend, a strong friend. We got to your house and you seemed better - well, as good as someone who'd just lost someone could be, at least better than the first time we saw you after he'd passed. For a moment things were back to normal. It was our whole friend group together, we were talking and having a good time, that is until me being very unstable and also heavily sick at the time, broke down. Naturally my friends were concerned and kept asking what had happened, i just couldn't tell them. I kept quite. My friends knew i wasn't a crier so for me to just break down out of nowhere was clearly out of character and driven by something i couldn't handle. Everytime you looked into my then tearful eyes, they'd get more watery, time would slow down and a part of me was happy we were finally looking eachother in the eyes again. I missed you - so bad, and I realized I was very dependent on you, and that was even worse. That was also the moment I realized, I never stopped loving you, not once, and i was in so much pain.

Later that night you texted me. 3 weeks prior to this incident i had wronged you and you confronted me about it, I apologized, you accepted it, then asked me how i was so which i obviously masked with an "i'm fine, just tired". The conversation was getting us nowhere, so we said goodnight and ended it.