Grabbing my bag and leaving everyone behind even as they call my name from the stands, I try to think of a place I can just escape to for a while to clear my head before dinner. I can hear Draco yelling after me, "you're a worthless piece of shit, y/n! Honestly, no one would've cared or noticed if I had ended up killing you, you filthy little bitch."
I know he's only saying those things out of anger but it still hurts. I didn't realize it but, each insult he throws cuts into me, each deeper than the last. Even if he's wrong and doesn't mean them, words hurt. I feel a little better hearing Adrian and his friends, well mine too I think, sticking up for me as I try to get out of there, but only a little.
There are so many emotions and feelings coursing inside of me, my facial expression somewhat covering for me as I try to keep a neutral face. In the midst of the thoughts running through my mind, I realize I've already made it to the courtyard where I can hear the faint calling of my name, I turn around to see Tracey grinning while she jogs over.
"Hey y/n!"she starts but her voice falters as she takes in the expression on my face. Realizing that I probably look like a bitch, remembering I don't exactly look as welcoming and kind as one would hope. I try to fake a smile but it just looks and feels weird and awkward, I shouldn't feel the need to anyways, I should try to trust people, right?
"Hey," I say softly, managing to crack a small smile.
"Are you okay? What's wrong? What happened?" she asks, her eyes filled with concern.
"Yeah, I'm fine, just a little stressed that's all," I rush to say, deciding I don't want to tell her about what happened at Quidditch, not yet anyways.
"Oh yeah, I get that," she says, offering a reassuring smile which I appreciate and return. We stand there for a few seconds which feel like hours, I'm just shifting awkwardly in my place as she examines me, clearly unsure as to whether to press me into actually telling her what's up or not.
Breaking the silence, I exclaim, "I'm going to go shower before dinner, I'll see you then?"
"Huh?" she starts, snapping out of her thoughts, her eyebrows furrowing with curiosity, her green eyes big looking into my own grey eyes, "oh yeah sure, see you then."
"Alright," I manage to give her a small smile before breaking eye contact with her. I start to walk away before she calls out, "oh don't forget, dinner's at 7 tonight but be there are 6:45. Apparently we were right and Dumbledore's got something to announce so we all have to be there."
"Okay, thanks!" To be honest with you, if she hadn't told me we all had to be at dinner, I probably would've slept through it. I just want some alone time, to take a shower and sleep.
As I walk into the castle, I quickly ask someone for the time, to see how much time I've really got. It's about 4:30 now, so I've got like 2 hours to kill. Thanking them, I know exactly where to go.
Trying to find the place I got lost in was a lot harder than I thought it would be but after a couple wrong turns and walking through the wrong corridors, I recognize the window sill and the view I had been admiring the day before.
Relief washes over me as it's just as I remember it: peaceful and quiet. Sitting down on the window sill, I feel a wave of sadness over take me. Tears begin to well up in my eyes, blurring my vision.
What the fuck. Like what the actual fuck. Who says and does that to someone they don't even know? He doesn't know what kind of things I could be going through, the thoughts I could be having. Why would he say shit like that after he nearly killed me, that's so wrong."You're a worthless piece of shit, y/n! Honestly, no one would've cared or noticed if I had ended up killing you, you filthy little bitch." The words Draco yelled at me, echoing in my mind, clouding every thought. Is he right? I mean barely anyone here knows me and who I am so would they even notice? I've only been here two days, but my life has to be somewhat important to some already, I mean someone has to care, right?
I'm alone. No one here knows me.
The realization hits me and my breathe's been knocked out of me for a second. I didn't even know I had started crying until the salty taste of the tears running down my face falls onto my quivering lips.
I quickly begin to wipe at my eyes. I don't do this and I can't do this, especially not in the middle of a corridor where anyone can just pass by. I didn't realize I was having these thoughts again after so many months. I guess being distracted by new people and classes, being surrounded by friends constantly for the past couple of days and not truly getting a second to myself had made me happy, or feel happy if that makes sense. Now that I'm by myself, not with other people and their infectious positive energy, my thoughts and feelings have the chance to settle in, reminding me that I'm alone and nobody knows me. Maybe they won't.
I pull out the new sketchbook I had bought on my trip with Hagrid to Diagon Alley just the week before. I always did find sketching therapeutic. Trying to distract myself, I look out the window to admire the scenery before me. The sound of birds chirping puts my mind at ease, giving me the chance to take a few deep breathes as I pull out a quill and some ink to draw with.
Minutes pass as I sit with my back on the stone wall, sitting crouched on the window sill, sketching away at the view before me. I'm not necessarily good at drawing, I just do it because it makes me feel better, it allows me to let go of stress and thoughts for a some time. Unfortunately, it doesn't work permanently.
What feels like 30 minutes have passed, gives me the chance to take a break and look at what I've managed to draw. A rough sketch of the mountains, the green forest of beautiful tall trees, flowers and shrubbery, small animals and 2 small people fill the parchment paper. Although the sketch of the small people is rough and, well, small, I was still able to capture the happiness, romance, and joy between what seems to be a couple. The boy taking the girl's hand in his as they lie on the grass, staring at the clouds, laughing. As if no other person on the planet exists. Pure bliss.
A small smile takes over my face at the happiness I share for these strangers. Sadness clouds my expression as I think to myself, "I want that." I want to be happy, to feel like that with someone else, but I don't know if I'm capable of that. I don't trust easy, I don't open up to people, I push them away. I let out a breathe, maybe one day, maybe when I find my person.
I start to put my sketchbook and quill away so I can sit and take in my new favourite place to be before I have to leave and shower. As I do so, I remember I took my necklace off before Quidditch and so I begin to look for it. Panic begins to rush through me as I turn my bag inside out, unable to find the most important thing to me. "Where is it," I repeatedly say out loud but in a hoarse whisper.
After turning out the bag and checking the pockets 5 times over, I drop my shoulders and exhale loudly. I'm not able to control myself as I let out quiet sobs. I don't cry often, believe me, but I'm just so overwhelmed. I'm reminded of the fact that I've lost my necklace for the second time in the span of like 2 days which pains me even more, I shouldn't be so irresponsible with something that means so much.
That necklace holds so much. So much sentimental value, so many memories, moments, and love. Now it's gone, but I don't even know where to begin looking or if I should, or even could, bother. I bring my knees close to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, rocking back and forth with my forehead rested on my knees. I'm completely encased with my sobbing and worried thoughts that I don't even notice that I'm not alone anymore.
