Losing my real self

If only...

I sat at my window looking out at the busy city down below,the dark clouds began to form,it would be night soon and I could see the moon showing up already,the cars moved up and down, I had nothing to do and boredom had already catch up with me,I wondered why dad wasn't home yet. I was someone I never want my mind to lay idle cause when it did,the pain of the past just linger there, and my heart begin to tighten. I started singing to avoid that,even as I sang,memories came flooding in like water gushing from the sea into a dam. I closed my eyes and held my chest it's so painful to go through this every moment when I am alone,before I knew it tears slipped lazily unto my cheeks.

"Mama,May I toil the soil"I asked my mom.
She only nodded and smiled at me,admiring my small fingers holding the hand fork to toil the soil.
I wiped sweat from my forehead dramatically with the back of my hand,she simply shook her head and gave out a small laugh.
More tears fell at this memory, I could remember every single moment we spent together,though she spoke less but her presence spoke volumes.
Another memory came flooding in

"Jane,I know you can't do that,but the world is as such and you have to embrace the good and bad"my mama said.She was sad at how a little girl like me would be treated as such for a crime I didn't commit. I looked at her and I knew there was no hope for her survival,I had cried every night till my little eyes could bare no more, I always blamed myself for putting her in this condition though she was already ill.

Another memory came in,I remembered we both went for shopping for clothes,my birthday was upcoming and we were making preparations towards it, I found a black and pink dress which attracted me so much but as soon as I held it another girl also held unto it,we began struggling with the dress,no one wanting to let go,I started wailing loudly cause the dress drew my heart to it,my mom came in and separated each of us,she told me I needed to let go of the dress but I refused and started rolling on the floor,we attracted a crowd and everyone was suggesting about what my mom should do,unfortunately the dress had no second and I told my mom that that is the very dress I need.She knelt beside me with the dress and said
"You are 4 and very soon you would be 5,in order to get to age 5,you need to let go of age 4, to cross the bridge towards 5,Jane,life is all about letting go sometimes,just for your own peace and happiness ".She said and I sniffed looking up at the girl,maybe she needed the dress much more than I do.
I agreed for her to have the dress and asked my mom if we could invite her to my birthday party.Wherever she is I believe she would remember that day as much as I do.

So many more came flooding in but then I heard a knock on my door, I had actually stopped singing long ago without realizing it. I realized how stiff I was when having those memories,some days I suffered nightmares,my mom appeared to me in my dreams every night,sometimes I re encountered the day she died in bed holding my hand.Sometimes I felt a hand pulling me hard.The knock sounded again and I quickly wiped my tears with a handkerchief before heading towards the door,and unlocking it,my dad entered still in his work clothes holding a box of pizza,seeing the pizza made me squill like a child and rub my hands together in anticipation.When he dropped the box,I quickly entered his warm arms that spread so wide for me, I breathed in his perfume and he laughed.

"Hey,missed you,how did you spend the day??"he asked.

"Boring though,but I read some books and watched movies". I replied drawing the seat from the window to the middle of the room,he also drew a seat and sat around a small table next to my study table.

Ever since my mom died,dad had spent every single moment of his life taking care of me and ensuring that I was happy, I never imagined I would be this close to my dad.

We ate pizza as dad filled me in about his day, I laughed heartily at certain things he encountered during the day,

"You can't imagine what happened during lunch time, I had the worst embarrassment in my life today,a lady bumped into me and her food spilled on her shirt, I unconsciously took out my handkerchief and started wiping the stain off her shirt, she yanked my hand away and that was when I realized how stupid I was, I was lucky she didn't slap me for almost touching her boobs,gosh,my colleagues ridiculed me until I lost appetite",he said and I couldn't stop laughing, I ended up hitting my foot with the table and I jumped up holding my foot and leaping in the air and it was now his turn to ridicule me.

After I had settled back into my chair, I asked my dad a question that always kept coming in my mind

"Dad,why aren't you married again??" , I asked.
He shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"Can we talk about this later ??",he said almost pleadingly.
I nodded my head and soon there was silence,very comfortable and soothing,each to his thoughts as we both ate. I excused myself after sometime and went downstairs to grab a juice from the fridge,Mia,my pet,a cat lay stretched on the kitchen's counter. I stroked its head playfully and it rubbed its fur on my hand soothingly, I washed my hand before opening the fridge taking out the juice and pouring a glass for me and dad before heading upstairs again he had already changed from his work clothes and sat behind his laptop.

"Thanks" he said as I placed his juice down and sat at the edge of my bed scrolling through my phone.

"You are seeing the the psychologist tomorrow "my dad said.

"But dad,I am okay " I said.

"I know you still have attacks and sometimes have memories of things you don't need thinking about,you need a progress to let go of what happened and begin a new life Jane,you need to make new friends and socialize,I always see how you keep to yourself at school and no one barely knows you"My dad said and I could see worry wide in his eyes.

"I don't need friends or socializing to move on, I can do that on my own " I said trying to convince him.

"Hmm,you know your mom won't want you to be so hard on yourself,you keep blaming yourself for the cause of her death ".He said.

He stood from the seat and came close to me,I lifted my eyes to meet his,he knelt close to me and held my hands

"12 years Jane, I have been watching you,giving you time to heal,but it seems you keep opening up those wounds,refusing to let go,refusing to forgive yourself and anyone involved,it's time to move on."my dad said.

I have been fighting every pain on my own making sure no one ever saw my tears after my mom was buried,it was always a smile and I kept telling myself that I was okay and that I was strong,but listening to my dad now wants to make me burst out in tears but no I am stronger than that, I looked at my Dad's worried eyes and smiled

"Dad I'm okay and fine, I don't need any healing, I am healed already" I said and he simply shook his head,were those tears I saw welling up in his eyes,oh no...