Losing my real self

ALONE

I felt I should add more updates to spice this new month, here's a plus chapter for you, see you this weekend in the next chapters

I sat in the physician's office looking at her weirdly.

"What do you mean by I need rehab," I asked with my eyes wide and my hands raised in midair questionably.

"I have done every single thing you asked me to, my dislikes too, I never liked cats from the beginning, but I headed to your advice since you said it helped with healing, only God knows the number of drugs I took, and now a rehab??, You seem to be joking " I continued saying, anger almost heating up in me, I clenched my fist, trying to control myself, it's good I hadn't turned violent through the process, I placed my head in my palms, avoiding the tears.

"Going to rehab is the only last solution we have dear, you know the past things you attempted doing to yourself, and what you encountered yesterday is a sign that you did get more, which would become a major problem, "she said calmly.
She was so right, I have attempted suicide so many times, through different means, I have been harsh to people almost turning out violent, I have hurt my knuckles so many times punching into walls. I have tried every little thing to inflict pain on me, someone might say I am weak, but whatever happened took every piece of me away.
I pursed my lips but now I could feel hot tears in my eyes.

"Let it out Jane, every tear is meant to make you stronger, it's not a sign of weakness or self-pity, "She said and I looked up at her.
I shook my head and said
"I don't deserve it "
"You do, everyone wants that for you, "She said.
I let out a breath I have been holding for a while.
"I am not going for rehab or whatsoever, I could heal on my own," I said and excused myself out of her office.

I walked silently on the road back home, I could have purchased a cub, but I preferred to walk to enable me to think. I preferred the long route even if it would take me hours to reach home at least I could think about myself, I tugged my hands into the pocket of the dark grey hoodie I was wearing but before then I placed a headset over my head, listening to slow songs that would so much dampen my soul, but who cares, I said rolling my eyes and set my eyes forward on the path on which I would take home if this is a life designed for me to live, why was I born in the first place, I have lived all my life in pain. Soon unconsciously I was heading to a place I had ignored so many times, a lot of dead leaves scattered around the graveyard, causing a rustling sound as I walked towards my mom's home, my feet felt so heavy as I drew near and with shaky hands, I swept off the leaves and dust, hot tears poured down in a torrent, I threw myself unto the grave shaking and choking on tears, I let out those tears I had held so many years making me unable to breathe, my chest tightened in pain, my hands slowly made a fist as I gritted my teeth. I was sobbing so loudly drowning into a fiesta of self-pity.

I kept telling myself that I was stronger than this, I actually vowed to myself not to visit this graveyard, dad always did on her memorial and he said he noticed that someone always dropped a flower, every passing year, this anonymous person dropped a flower religiously. I had abandoned this place and had never ever wanted to visit but I unconsciously made it here doing what I hated the most; breaking down. I stood and wiped my tears, it's not worth it, I would just save my tears, all I need now is strength to carry on, I took a last glimpse at the grave, my mom's smiling face appeared before me, but I shook it away and run out of the yard, taking in a fresh breath as if it were my life-saving machine and sprinted towards home, I quickly locked up as soon as I got home and shuffled through the big study/music room my mom made for me, I stood in front of the shelf that held neatly packed books that smiled down at me, I touched a button on the shelf and it split open revealing a dark room, I switched on the light and stepped in, the room smelled dusty and it was covered with cobwebs, I looked through a pack of instruments and brought out a cute violin, I stepped into the library and brushed the dust off the violin. I let out a breath as I lifted the instrument to my shoulder level and held the bow in my right hand, memories came flooding in, I quickly blinked the tears away and began playing. My mom and Catherine would sit and watch me play even though I wasn't perfect, they would clap their hands anytime I made a good attempt, soon I was dancing around the room, playing a familiar tune, the sound of a violin could spark so many emotions and here I was teasing myself to the tunes, I angrily dropped it and fell on my knees, my lips were quivering and fear had gripped me, the fear of moving on, the fear of trusting again, that fear of losing someone again, my mind quickly drifted to my dad, he's the only strength I have now, should I lose him, my world would crush into pieces.

I am afraid, I don't have anything to offer anymore, I have lost everything including myself, I look into the mirror every day and I know it's a different person staring back at me, I run my hand through my hair, I sink unto floor coiling myself and I place my hand on my mouth to avoid the tears, I am stronger than this, I keep telling myself.

I am getting emotional myself, how do you see this chapter, please don't forget to tap the beautiful star below