Losing my real self

Catherine Weithfield

I sat by the bed looking at her closely,she still looked as beautiful as ever,Nothing changed those envious pretty looks of hers, I can't remember her eye color as they are shut but her hair is pitch black as always and her long fingers and slim arms,her well tanned body and her pink round lips,I touch her forehead and it's as hot as a boiling water.

I place the towel in a bowl of cold water before folding it neatly and placing it on her forehead,my eyes are red with tears and my chest feels heavy with a guilt I have held for so many years, I wonder if she would forgive me,would she even remember me?

I need to leave before she awakes,but I wish I wouldn't,would we still be friends like before or things would change between us,it hasn't been easy for me as well, I have spent half of my life in rehab and I still haven't recovered all I need is her forgiveness, I sniff loudly and I see her eyelids pat slightly I stand to my feet full of fear that she would recall me,

I look into my dress pocket and I bring out the white envelope placing it at her bedroom door step, I know she would even wonder more how this got to her bedroom but it doesn't matter all I want her to know is the content in this letter.

I step out of the house unto the walk path,the birds are chirping happily as I passed by each tree,memories flooding through my mind of how we would run down this path together holding hands,of how we would sit underneath the trees reading and whispering gossips,of how we play hide and seek,I would follow her to her house and dine with her family,her mom loved me dearly as her own, I lived in a broken home and my parents felt reluctant of who to take care of me,sometimes no one cares and I went hungry for days,always sleeping with tears as I felt unloved.

But now both parents have passed away and I have no one,no friend.My life is a disaster, I ended up taking drugs and smoking at a tender age that ended me in a rehab, I nearly run mad as there's always a voice ringing in my mind about the things I have done to a dear innocent friend.

So I took it upon myself to always be close to her, I have always been a hair away but she never noticed, I have fought her battles and saved her from danger so many times, I have been the wind around her,the rain to wash her tears,how I wish she knew about my invisible presence but it's enough to see her happy and smile in the past few years,but then I know my time is almost up; I have cancer.

I walk towards kayvin's apartment and knock on the door gently.The door flips open and I see him stand there with a genuine smile on his face he pulls me into a hug as he always do when he sees me at his door step.

"Come in,you are freezing ",he ushered me in and rush to the kitchen soon he comes out with a cup of hot tea,I sip gently and quietly in a thoughtful manner.

"How's She now",he asks and I nod my head.

"She's fine and should be awake soon, I saw her eyelids pat,I don't want her to see me ", I said with my lips quivering.

"How long would you keep hiding from her??"he asks and I let out a breath with tears pricking my eyes.

"She can't handle my presence if she can't handle my name or anything about me, I saw her reaction when she found the chain I mistakenly dropped,it's simple if I don't ever show up", I say sadly with my gaze eating through the walls.

"Catherine,you need to do this,your time is unlimited ",Kayvin says with his eyes full of concern.

I love Kayvin for his selflessness and friendliness,he has always been there for me,thanks to Miranda too for her love and understanding.

One mistake can hunt you for the rest of your life, I stole that money cause I was hungry and had no one to feed me,no one had an idea what I go through I was seen as one who has the love of her parents but in my deepest closet I always slept with the sound of my dad beating my mom and my mom sobbing,but I decided to leave as a happy child to the pretense of all.

I look at Kayvin and I nod my head in understanding and with a small smile on my face

"Of course I would ", I said rising to my feet,the rain has cleared from the sky the sun already showings its head behind the clouds i wave him goodbye and vanish unto the streets walking away to a place no one knows but then I call home.

Upon reaching home, I take off my jackets and I quickly set a bonfire to keep me warm I sit around it and wrap myself with my knee touching my chin, I look into the fire deep in thoughts this is how I have always been alone away from the world keeping to myself I wonder who would come looking for me or who would tell me "I love you ",one I never heard from my parents, I broke out crying with a heavy heart my life has lost its meaning,what else should I live for

I began to cough profusely and vomiting in the process, I wiped my mouth with my hands and my heart beat at the blood in my palm, I looked into the vomit and it's full of blood,tears run down my cheeks and I began to number my days.

I wonder how you feel about Catherine now or what thoughts you were having about her before and now, I became emotional writing this chapter and I hope you did too,what do you think would happen next please share your views and also don't forget to vote and comment on this chapter.