How The Bad Became Beautiful

Part 2

A few years passed I started a college course when I was 17 Health and Social Care Level 2 and I put myself through a lot during that time my mum and dad divorced it was for the best they were a toxic pairing together in a way you could say to put it so to speak as they had problems that couldn't be solved together and neither of them could live that way I think honestly they stayed together for mine and Levi's sake but it didn't do us any good Levi is now studying at university to become a counsellor which is so amazing of him to do that. 

My auntie Mollie really helped me she literally is my rock and I couldn't ask for a better role model. My mum now lives in a shabby bedsit in town after her arrest she was sentenced to 6 years I don't blame her for what she did to my dad as what happened was provoked and I reckon if she hadn't have defended herself the way she did he'd have killed her. My dad remarried 2 years later he made me and Levi stand in front of the church playing happy families we knew it was all for the show he just wanted to add salt to the wound like he often does.

I remember one evening after college one night going downstairs to sit with my auntie Mollie and she could tell straight away something was up "Auntie Mollie was I a mistake to your brother and my mum?" I asked my auntie's face dropped she rose from her chair and hugged me "no, no you wasn't neither was Levi" said Auntie Mollie, she broke the embrace, held my hand and sat me down "they needed help the pair of them and they should have stepped away as this has done so much irreversible damage to the pair of you" "Auntie Mollie why wasn't anything done?" I asked "I wish I knew I tried to get your Nana Irene to have you all the time as no child deserved to be witnessing that but with Nana Irene and Ray they were the same as stubborn and in denial as they could ever be they were just a pair there's so much that time cannot erase Raya and it's horrible to know that the doctors, the counsellors, the social, the family didn't do for you and Levi," said Auntie Mollie I could see the tears welling up inside her eyes, I couldn't see this but the pain that consumed her heart was so real, the lump in her throat and just the unforgiving way she'd replay every painful chat with Nana, Dad and anyone who would listen. I thank my auntie Mollie all the time as that woman is my saviour and I'd be lost without her. And yeah that's... That's pretty much me a struggling, messed-up woman who masks BPD like it's makeup like a charm it works and even now in her early twenties I'm still living with my amazing auntie Mollie and trying to make my mark on the world.

I woke up the next day, after staring at the phone, I pick it up Willow iMessage, I tap my home screen a message from my best friend Willow Winters "hey bitch coming out tonight?" says the message I started to reply "sure what's the occasion Willow?" I text back "Raya you up it's 8.10 am!" shouts Auntie Mollie "yes I'm gonna get dressed now" I shout back, I raise from the comfort of my bed sometimes it's like why can't I stay in bed forever? Then I remember the fact that I have severe depression caused by the brilliant side effects caused by Bipolar fun... not honestly if you've even walked a tightrope and wobbled and felt as if your legs have gone to complete jelly with every step you take you'll get that, my mood can seesaw between Tigger and Eeyore it's almost as if you have a heads and tails coin of will the happy, bubbly, smiley and funny Raya come out or will I be as miserable as a rainy day in the middle of summer it's a constant metaphorical game of Russian Roulette I battle every single day. I walk across to my wardrobe and grab my uniform a pair of black trousers and a black shirt with the logo of the company I work for I hurriedly get ready, then brush my dark hair into a ponytail and put some shoes on before walking downstairs to the breakfast island in the kitchen "do you want a lift there or?" asks Auntie Mollie "yeah can do" I say accepting her offer. I grab some toast and try not to wolf it down but still, it's a job it gets money in the pocket so I do it to the best of my ability even though every day different customers same old day. 

My phone pings Willow again "no occasion just a night out come on girl!!" reads the text "okay I'll come out for an hour or two" I text back I mean I get Willow's got my best interests at heart but the clubs always a crap night one person has one-too-many and gets chucked out for being a blinding dickhead, then there's the group of Barbie's who stand there in their MAC makeup and high heels from River Island with their shitty overpriced handbags where if they spent their money sensibly which by all means they don't they'd get a lot more out of life rather than sponge off Mummy and Daddy and it makes me sick but the thing that gets me is you'll walk into the toilets that are scribbled with a ton of graffiti of "Mel is a slag" "Kelly is a whore" "Dina and Louise was here" like lovely thing to write on the toilet door or walls just a nice way to make people feel bad for their mistakes and a nice big insecurity message to all the women who know straight up they've apparently messed with the wrong women to me it's like evil like really evil it's also like if you don't like it being done to you why do it to someone else? It's just childish and schoolyard bullies bullshit. To me a club is basically asking for trouble as the second someone becomes an asshole everyone suffers which is a shame but if it means trying to drown my sorrows I'll do it.